Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: My site, those that already have permission
to post my fic, all others please ask. (If you post my fic. Please do not
rearrange the sentence groupings. It can alter the flow of the story. Thanks.)
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, UPN, FX;
just about everybody except me. I just play with them.
Summary: The end of an era. (*Contains spoilers.
*) ‘She saved the world… a lot.’ Then
he saved her.
Rating: PG
Lyrics: ‘Hero’ by Chad Kroeger; ‘Rock Me On The
Water’, ‘Love Has No Pride’ By Linda Rondstadt; ‘Full Of Grace’, Prayer To St.
Francis’, ‘Fear’ By Sarah McLachlan;
‘I’ll Meet You
Halfway’ by Partridge Family
Dedication: To Patti, for being such a wonderful beta
reader and my sister by choice. To Dyane Windshadow, for being my sister by
birth and eternal sounding board.
‘Oh
people look around you
the signs
are every where
You left
it for somebody other than you
To be the one to care’
‘And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait’
The ground trembled and heaved as the bloodstained, begrimed hand fought its way through the rubble. Moments later, it was followed by a pale, muscular arm that was equally battered.
~*~
‘A world full of killing
And blood spilling
It had been an arduous task to pull his way from the dirt and debris. The wounds over most of his body had hindered him as much as the sheer bulk of what he’d had to move just to dig his way out, but finally the slender man fell on the scorched earth to lie unconscious, exhausted.
No one came to disturb him, as there was no one left for several miles in any direction.
It was hours after he’d immerged from the earth when he pulled himself to his feet, agony evident in every movement. Staggering grimly through the silent remains of streets and buildings, trying to see through the one eye that wasn’t completely swollen shut, he located the remains that had once been the hospital.
He sorted though the mess scattered everywhere and found cleaning supplies, bandages and medication, then began the painful task of caring for his many wounds.
The day had passed into the gentle dusk of twilight by the time he was cleaner, the bleeding stopped. Foraging in the deserted kitchen of the hospital had also yielded some small amount of edible food. After the final bite, the last sip, his body refused to co-operate further and he collapsed to the floor, but this time instead of the broken Hellmouth and shattered school, there was a welter of sheets, blankets and pillows on the mattress in the middle of the deserted hospital room.
~*~
‘Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us’
Hours, days, weeks all ran together as he made his way to Los Angeles. The damage to the world around him became less obvious, but still existed in the spotty debris everywhere.
Along the way he spent time asking dozens of people questions, getting fewer answers; but he eventually pieced enough clues together to find the correct address. Even then, he could only hope to find help there.
He pushed the door open, gritting his teeth as he felt the broken bones in his hand grate together again. He almost thought he was getting used to the pain, it had happened so often since he’d pulled himself from beneath the rubble.
The slender visitor walked to the desk, weariness as apparent as pain in his movements.
He leaned on the cool marble of the upper surface. He wondered how he’d manage to find the strength or energy to search for someone, when a someone walked around the corner.
Of course, this particular someone was green skinned, had short, stubby red horns and was red-eyed, but in his case, not from crying or drink, since he was a demon.
It was not who he’d expected to find. Despair that he’d ended up in the wrong place with no foreseeable help to be expected, added a new veneer of stress to his malnourishment and wounds, finally sapping the last remaining strength he’d clung to for days, as he simply passed out cold on the floor.
“Ah, Angel… I think you might wanna come here a sec…” Lorne turned just his head as he called the dark-haired vampire.
“Yeah, what is it this ti…” Angel stopped perfectly still as the older vampires could manage, his gaze drinking in the sight of the battered man on the floor. Catching an unnecessary breath of surprise in his throat, the exclamation was barely a whisper of sound, “Spike!”
~*~
‘I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Spike woke slowly. He knew he was in unfamiliar surroundings even with his eyes closed. He felt the comfort of the soft bed under him, the clean scented sheets covering him. Finally able to force his eyes open, he looked around the dimly lit room.
“Didn’t think you were ever gonna wake up.”
“A-Angel?”
“Yeah. Are you alright?” Without a pause, Angel answered his own question. “No, I can tell you’re not. What happened, Spike? I’ve not heard anything from Sunnydale since the battle, then you come in here, pass out in the lobby, looking like hell itself beat you to a pulp. The thing I don’t understand, the thing that really has me concerned is that you have a heartbeat and are breathing. I heard that when I walked into the lobby, then felt warmth in you when I picked you up from the floor. You’re human, Spike… Wanna explain that one to me?”
Angel had tried to not let anger creep in… He knew the prophecy Wesley had previously read in that scroll from Wolfram and Hart, could have meant anything… But to have Buffy refuse his help during that final battle, to have detected Spike’s scent so strongly on her, to not hear a word, then to have Spike show up battered, broken and… human, was almost more than the ensouled vampire could tolerate. The older vampire felt cheated, ignored, and angry.
“Pretty much was ‘hell’ as you say, that beat the ‘ell out of me. Can’t answer anything else ‘cause I simply don’t know. Sorry. I take it you’ve not heard from Buffy at all? After that kiss she gave you, I figured she’d run here after I’d ‘elped her save the world and I was outta ‘er way.” Even to himself, Spike sounded bitter. Anger or bitterness had been his way of protecting himself from feelings he didn’t want when he’d been a vampire. It seemed he was still making use of that shield as a human.
“You saw that? Why would it matter to you anyway? I guess wherever you were lurking you didn’t see her also refuse my help, send me away… No, there’s been no word from her or anybody.”
It was Angel’s turn to sound bitter. And to worry. If Spike had no idea where Buffy was… and she’d not contacted him in L.A. either… Angel pushed away the thought struggling to the fore in his mind; that Buffy could be dead… again.
“Yeah, I saw her kiss you. Didn’t know if you’d just left again or she’d sent you away to keep you safe. I really don’t want to talk about it, Angel, if it’s all the same to you. What I need now is the bathroom, then maybe something to eat if I could…”
Spike struggled into a sitting position and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He only hoped that he could finally manage to stand without finding himself on the floor again.
‘Now everyone must have some thought
That's going to pull them through somehow
Well the fires are raging hotter and hotter
But the
sisters of the sun are going to rock me on the water now’
~*~
Over the
next few weeks, Spike slowly healed. He’d talk to Angel, or anyone else about
the last battle that had destroyed Sunnydale, but he steadfastly refused to
discuss Buffy with any of them. He kept the memory of her words close to him
even while a part of him whispered that she’d known what was going to happen
and was simply being kind.
The
slender blonde tried equally hard not to think that the lack of contact might
mean that she was dead. Spike didn’t know if that was something he could manage
to live with even if it was only a normal human life span. For her to have died
after he’d given up his life for her, for the world- He never suspected that
he’d be reborn as a human from the ashes of the very mouth of Hell… That gift
could quickly turn into a curse, from his perspective, if it meant facing that
life without Buffy in the world.
Well, he
tried hard not to even think about that appalling possibility.
Spike knew
that he should try going back to Sunnydale and try to pick up Buffy’s trail, if
one remained, but he also knew he had to heal first.
‘Rock me on the water
Sister will you soothe my fevered brow
Rock me on the water
I'll
get down to the sea somehow’
With the healing
of his body, Spike found his strength returning as well. He’d talked to Wesley
about his change quite often. The ex-Watcher wasn’t a bad chap these days and
had done as much research as he could on a subject that had never happened
before, a vampire reverting to a human. They didn’t think Spike would ever be
as strong as he had been when he was a vampire, but something of it must have
remained, because he was still stronger than a normal human.
Angel
seemed to always be a bit angry with the former vampire, so Spike usually
worked out with Wesley or Gunn. He’d tried several times to spar with Cordelia,
but she seemed to be as haunted of spirit as Angel.
Spike
hadn’t asked the reasons. He felt that if he pried into their emotional scars,
it would be fair for them to do the same to him and there were some memories he
had no intention of sharing.
So Spike
kept his silence, worked out or sparred, helped on cases when he could, and
tried every night not to remember a petite woman with shining hair, that had
been his only sun in 120 years until the Hellmouth chewed him up and spat him
back out.
‘Rock me on the water
Sister will you soothe my fevered brow
Rock me on the water
I'll get down to the sea somehow
Oh people, look among you
It's there your hope must lie’
~*~
Spike had
been in LA for several months the day the lobby door opened and changed his
life again.
It had
been his shift to answer the phones, so he was sitting at the front desk when
she walked in.
Her
clothes were worn, mended in places, but her hair was the same shining fall of
golden light he remembered all too well. The shock of seeing her tore a gasp
from his throat, as he stood abruptly from the chair, knocking it over behind
him with a clatter.
Buffy just
stood looking at him, seemingly rooted to one spot.
Spike was
torn between wanting to go to her, to take her into his arms and his body
refusing to move. After moments that seemed an eternity, Spike slowly walked
around the end of the desk, unable to take his eyes off of her. Buffy raised
her hand, reaching out to him as he approached her, her tears spilling over…
“S-Spike…?”
“Buffy…
Buffy, I-”
Whatever
he had wanted to say was forgotten as she darted the last few steps to fling
herself into his arms. Spike pulled her close, his face buried in her hair as
they clung to each other, oblivious of the crowd around them.
Giles,
Willow, Kennedy, Faith and Dawn had followed Buffy inside. The noise had drawn
the L.A. bunch and Wesley, Angel, Gunn, Fred, Cordelia and Lorne hurried in. It
took only seconds before Faith was in Wesley’s arms, shocking their friends by
kissing each other deeply, as if they were going to climb into each other from
the mouth down.
Angel
stood slightly to one side unable to see anything except the reunion of the two
blondes while Cordelia watched the dark-haired vampire she loved, but who her
possessed self had driven away. She was herself again now and though Angel told
her that he understood, he avoided her all the same.
Breaking
the kiss to catch their breath finally, Wesley and Faith took stock of the
tension surrounding them and quickly enlisted Giles, Lorne and Willow to help
usher everyone else out of the room, leaving Buffy and Spike alone.
Since the
battle that had ripped Buffy away from nearly everything she’d known, Faith had
surprisingly become the blonde Slayer’s choice of confidante. With her alone,
Buffy shared what she kept carefully hidden from the others; the aching pain of
losing Spike in the blaze of light from the Hellmouth.
For Spike,
Wesley had been the person with whom the former vampire spent the majority of
his time, and thoughts, thoughts that all too often dealt with his loss of
Buffy. Finally needing someone to trust, Spike told Wesley about Buffy during
an agonizing moment when something unexpected had evoked thoughts of the blonde
Slayer. The memories had threatened to consume him in grief so deep that Spike
had cried out his pain to someone. The words had ripped themselves from him and
Wesley had listened. Listened and understood as perhaps no one else would have.
Spike sought Wesley from that day until now whenever the burden of Buffy’s loss
threatened to overwhelm him.
So
ironically, the other unexpected couple in the room had the most understanding
about the feelings of the blonde Slayer and blonde human.
‘Rock me on the water
Sister will you soothe my fevered brow
Rock me on the water, maybe I'll remember
Maybe I'll remember how’
~*~
‘Will
there come a day
when
you and I can say
we can
finally see each other
will
there come a time
when we
can find the time
to
reach out for one another’
Both attempting to speak at once, and both afraid to speak for fear the other was simply an illusion, the two lovers struggled with thoughts and words.
“Buffy…” “Spike, how…?”
They pulled back slightly to drink in the sight of each other’s face. A multitude of emotions warred on their features; shock, bewilderment, longing, love…
“But you… you died? How-? A heartbeat, breathing, warm? Are you human, Spike?”
“I didn’t know if you were alive, Buffy. I didn’t know where else to go except here. But you weren’t-. And they didn’t know-.”
Moments later, those words were superfluous. Seeking to fill the long aching emptiness, their lips drank at each other, hands clutching, bodies straining together for long moments before they remembered they weren’t alone in the building.
With deep reluctance, Buffy and Spike pulled apart slightly.
“Spike…” Blue-green eyes locked with piercing blue ones. She untangled her hand from his shirt enough to reach up to cup his cheek, trace the line of his cheekbone, brush her fingertips over his lips… Lips she’d thought of every night, lips she never thought to see again except in dreams and tear spilled down her face again. “I meant what I told you. You do know that don’t you?”
“I know I wanted to, but I saw you kiss him as soon as you saw him. How could I believe you when he stood between us? But how could I doubt your words to me, when I needed so much to hear those words from you?”
“I was shocked to see him, Spike. It was shock, hello, goodbye, all that in the one kiss. It wasn’t the lips I was used to or wanted. It felt wrong as soon as it happened. It wasn’t you, Spike. I didn’t come here where I knew Angel was, until now because it was you I dreamed about every night, you I felt beside me in my sleep. I’ve relived all of it more nights than I can count and felt ashamed because I’d hurt you, because I felt lost, so alone without you!”
“Never wanted you to feel like that, Love.”
“Shhhh… I know. But I did. I love you, Spike. I won’t leave you again.”
“I’m here, Buffy. I’ll always be here for you.”
The look between then was so intense, so intimate, it would have embarrassed most people to see it. Neither Buffy nor Spike cared. They’d found each other, found what they’d been seeking their entire life.
The kiss was deep, thirsty, like two dying people finally offered a miracle fluid that would save their lives.
‘And if there’s some way
I know that someday
~*~
“Angel.”
“Cordelia, leave me alone please.”
“No, Angel. Not this time. I know you said that you didn’t hold my actions against me while I was possessed, but I think you do. So knowing that you can’t hate me any more than you do now, I'm going to say what needs to be said.
I’m sorry about Connor. Really sorry, Angel. But you had him for a while. Some people never have that much.
And now you’ve been angry with Spike since he showed up and fell on the floor.”
“Actually, longer than that…” Angel muttered under his breath, never looking at the slender brunette, not moving from the chair in his room.
“Fine, since you ‘smelled’ him on Buffy. And do I need to say again how creepy that is?
But the fact is, you’re angry with him for getting something you thought was yours, something he never sought, to be human again. You’re angry because he is human now and he loves her.”
Cordelia paused slightly. The next words were softer, full of sympathy. “And because now you know she loves him.”
”Oh, it’s more than just that, Cordelia.” Angel finally stood with exaggerated slowness that plainly said just how angry he really was. “I left her for a normal life, not for another vampire and definitely not Spike. I gave back the one and only day of humanity I’d had in over two hundred years to keep her safe-”
“But it didn’t, did it? Have you ever considered that maybe the Oracles took that day back because it wasn’t supposed to be yours? Have you considered that maybe they left you the memory as a promise for something still to come? Not with her, because I don’t think regardless of how much you loved each other, it was meant to be. Sure, you helped make her who she is, just as you helped him. Every experience, every conversation, every fight, every moment of love or pain between you and Buffy or you and Spike has helped mold them into the people they are now. And having done that, I think your task with them is finished. She might be able to find what you wanted her to have… a normal life. Or as normal as can ever be for a Slayer or a man that was once a vampire. It’s time to let them go, Angel. It’s time for you to find you.”
“Is this another of your infallible visions from the Powers That Be? Like the others you had?”
Angel knew that his remarks were painful to Cordelia. He’d meant them to be, because he was in pain himself.
Cordelia looked at him, never flinching.
‘Love has no pride when I call out your name.
Love
has no pride when there's no one left to blame.
I've been alone too many nights
to think that you could come back again.
“No, it’s just me, but part of it is from memories of what I knew as a higher being… Before… before it got tainted by that… thing!” Cordelia stepped closer, counting on him to not hurt her. At least not physically.
“You’ve done your job with both of them, Angel. You kissed her goodbye. He died but was reborn. He was the one that particular prophecy was about. Wesley did say it meant death and life. Spike did both.
Your reward is there somewhere, Angel. I know it is- And Buffy doesn’t hate you. She simply is in love with Spike. You have people that love you too. You just refuse to see it. If I had to make a guess, I’d say it’s this behavior on your part that keeps you from your own reward.”
Cordelia shook her head in sadness, turned away and walked out, leaving Angel alone, shock on his dark-visaged face.
~*~
‘I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid
ground
I'm pulled down by the
undertow
I never thought I could
feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go’
A few short days later, Buffy laid a gentle
hand on Angel’s arm before leaving.
“Thank you, Angel. For everything. For taking care of Spike, for the amulet that did this, for caring, for being my friend.” She stood carefully on tiptoe to brush his cheek with her lips before turning back to take Spike’s hand and follow Willow out the door.
Giles stood facing the vampire, considering whether he should speak or not. He’d had a long discussion with Willow, Wesley and surprisingly, Faith, on the subject of Buffy and the now human Spike. Deep inside of the Watcher, something finally ‘clicked’ into place, for lack of a better word, and the decision seemed to be made for him…
“Angel, I think there is something you should discuss with Wesley. We’ve done quite a bit of research on the matter while I was here. I think he can clear up a portion of what’s troubling you and so give you a measure of ease.”
Angel simply looked at the older Watcher and nodded, not daring to say anything for fear of what words might actually come out in his anger and self-inflicted misery.
“Cordelia started him looking into this. She shared with him a good deal of what she’s learned recently and, well, from when she was a higher being. Wesley, in turn, offered suggestions for her talk with you.
Yes, I do know what’s happened and that’s one reason I’m telling you this. I’m more sorry than I can express for your loss, Angel. But I also know that Cordelia loves you. I think if you can find it in your heart to forgive her, as well as Buffy and Spike, it will be well worth your while. Do think on it before you decide to shut any of them out.”
Giles clasped the vampire’s forearm, looking quite seriously at the vampire he’d known for so long. Feeling he’d said all he could, Giles simply wished Angel a farewell for the time being.
“Take care of yourself Angel.”
With that, Rupert Giles turned to follow the ex-Sunnydale group outside.
~*~
‘If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love’
It took several weeks of talking at Angel before he’d finally consent to talk with Cordelia, Wesley, Faith and Lorne.
When he finally heard them out, and truly listened, the vampire felt ashamed of his actions, his anger.
* Buffy knew all along. Maybe not in detail, but the way she always does her best, instinct, working from her gut, her heart, where it always counts for her. She knew we had separate paths to take, that there would be someone besides her in my life…*
Angel was amazed by what he’d learned from Wesley and Lorne. His friends.
“Cordelia, can I talk to you privately? Maybe we can… uh, sit in the atrium?”
She flashed him a wary look, but he saw hope glimmer in her eyes and felt encouraged.
Taking her elbow to guide her to a seat under the twinkling lights of the tree beside the small fountain, they sat and Angel faced her, holding her small, slender hand captive between his larger ones while he spoke honestly and openly with the brunette.
~*~
Dawn pressed against the night sky, tingeing it with pink as Angel pulled Cordelia closer against him. They couldn’t do more than kiss or sleep beside each other, but for now… It was enough.
He nuzzled her neck through the heavy warm curtain of her hair and she stirred slightly, her hand seeking his as she slept.
Sleep finally crept up to claim the vampire as well, but his mind struggled against it, filled with thoughts as he held Cordelia close.
* Giles was right again, damn him. It will be more than worth the effort. I’ve fought so hard to do this my way or no way, it’s hard to stop. But if this is only the beginning, I can do this. I never imagined she still loved me after all I did, or that she could love me this much- I’ll always love Buffy, but what Wesley’s been saying is true too. The love I feel for Cordy is so much deeper, richer… Just like it was meant to be. *
A slight smile crossed the brunette’s face as he nestled closer to Cordelia and allowed sleep to claim him.
‘Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury -- pardon;
Where there is doubt -- faith;
Where there is despair -- hope
where there is darkness -- light;
Where there is sadness -- joy!
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it’s in giving that we receive
And it’s in pardon that we are pardoned
And it’s in dying that we are born….
To eternal life
Amen’
Gillian
Silverlight 04/27/2003