Title: Between Then And Now

Author: Gillian Silverlight

Distribution: My site, those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please ask. (If you post my fic. Please do not rearrange the sentence groupings. It can alter the flow of the story. Thanks.)

Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, UPN, just about everybody except me. I just play with them.

Summary: The unseen scene. Angel called, Buffy went. What happened between them; when Spike found out; when Buffy got back?

Rating: PG-13

Lyrics: ‘Are We Havin’ Fun Yet?’ by Nickleback; ‘Full Of Grace’ by Sarah McLachlan; ‘Standing Still’ by Jewel; ‘My Best Wasn’t Good Enough’ by Kane and Anouk; ‘Diamonds and Rust’ by Joan Baez; ‘Beauty and The Beast’ by Stevie Nicks; ‘I Shall Believe’ by Sheryl Crow; ‘Only Time’ by Enya.

Between Then And Now

‘I'll be damned, here comes your ghost again

but that's not unusual

it's just that the moon is full

and you decided to call

And here I sit, hand on the telephone

hearing the voice I'd known

a couple of light years ago

headed straight for a fall

But we both know what memories can bring

they bring Diamonds and Rust’

Buffy heard the phone ring and rose from her chair to answer it in the kitchen. She exclaimed to the room in general as she moved toward the shrilling instrument. “Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.”

As she disappeared through the kitchen door she called back to Giles and Dawn, “I'll be back.”

Dawn looked at Giles with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So you think we'll starve?”

“I very much doubt it.” Giles replied in his usual dry laconic tones.

“No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop?”

Giles looked a bit startled at the teenager’s words. “Poorly-ventilated ... What have you been reading?”

At that moment Buffy reentered the room, heading with single-minded purpose to the front door.

Giles looked at his Slayer, marveling again that she was actually back, before worry seamed his face. “Buffy, what is it?”

She turned back to face Giles and Dawn, pausing for a moment as thoughts whirled through her mind while she searched for the right words to tell them. She settled on one word that she hoped would explain everything.

“Angel.”

“Is he in trouble?”

“He knows that I'm ... “ Buffy’s voice trailed off as she watched Dawn while concern filled the teen’s eyes.

“He.. he needs to see me. I have to see him.”

“Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.” Giles tried to reassure her. This was not the Slayer she had been before the.. the accident.

Buffy shook her head as she stood there, determination present in her face. “Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a… a place.”

* That’s the way of it then. * Giles thought to himself with an inner sigh. Looking back at the resurrected Slayer he said simply, “I see. Well, we should get all these ... bills and things out of the way before…”

Buffy interrupted him as she headed for the door again. “I gotta go now.”

As she reached the doorway, she paused and turned back to Giles, searching for something to say, to try and explain her behavior. She didn’t have the words and didn’t have the time right now, but she needed to make him understand.

“Um, thanks for taking care of this for me.”

The small thin blonde turned away and walked out the door, leaving Giles and Dawn sitting in silence among the remains of what had once been their living room. They looked at each other, dismay evident on their features.

********************************************************************************

where everything we said and did

hurts us all the more

its just that we stayed, too long

in the same old sickly skin

* I had to get out of there. One more minute and I think I’d have exploded or gone insane, or killed one of my friends. I know they mean well, but they’re smothering me! Now this with Angel. Where can we go that we haven’t already been? What can we say to each other? ‘Oh I was dead, but I’m all better now? Sorry to have worried you?’ *

Buffy sighed as she drove down the highway.

About an hour later, the Slayer looked again at the directions Angel had given her. The destination was a small diner and motel halfway between Los Angeles and Sunnydale. She didn’t want to know how Angel knew about it or why. It was a nice neutral meeting place for the two of them.

As she pulled into the parking lot, she saw Angel leaning against the side of his car waiting for her.

* He looks as wiggy about this as I feel. * Buffy thought as she got out of the car.

“Hi, Angel.” She gathered her courage and walked toward him.

* She looks so thin! * “Buffy, are you ok?”

“I would be if everyone would stop asking me that. It’s like that’s the only question anyone knows and they ask me a hundred times a day.” Buffy couldn’t stop the frustration that came out with the words. It had built up inside of her until she wanted to tell all of them just exactly how she really was.

* Like I told Spike. Why could I tell Spike? * Buffy shook her head slightly to chase that line of thought away.

“You look so thin, Buffy. I’m sure everyone is worried about you.” Angel’s expression darkened more than usual as he took her elbow and guided her toward the room he’d rented. They needed to be able to talk in private and he knew the diner would never do for that.

Seeing where Angel was leading her, Buffy was concerned. A slight frown crossed her face before she could wipe it away again. “Angel, Is this a good idea? I mean..”

“Buffy, It’s ok. We just need someplace to talk privately and I knew the diner wouldn’t have that. Doyle told me about this place back.. Well, he had to meet one of our clients here.”

Angel still missed the half-demon every day and didn’t really want to talk about him right now. He needed to stay focused for the conversation he knew was coming.

“Oh. It’s ok. I just… Well, private is good. I’ve kinda grown to like private. I guess three months of being dead will do that to ya. Kinda like missing all those meals and losing weight, ya know?”

“Yeah.” Only the one word as Angel was swallowed again in his own thoughts while he guided Buffy to the room where they could talk.

****************************************************************************

‘Beneath the darkened sky

Or am I standing still?

With the scenery flying by

Or am I standing still?

Out of the corner of my eye

Was that you that passed me by?’

The room was small and dingy. There was a stain where dampness had seeped into the corner of the ceiling. Next to the window covered by limp draperies was a small table with two chairs. One of the three lamps in the room actually worked.

Buffy gazed around the room as if it might change if she stared at it long enough.

“It’s not much. I’m sorry. I thought… I thought we’d have privacy to talk and it was the only place I knew the number for between there and.. well, there.” Angel realized as he followed Buffy’s gaze around the room what a dismal place it actually was for their conversation.

She sat her purse on the sagging double bed as she walked past it to pull one side of the material away from the window to look at the lights through it’s be-grimed surface. Her hand dropped the curtain as she turned back to face Angel.

Buffy knew the planes of his face was well as she knew her own. She remembered the times un-numbered that she’d kissed those curved lips and felt the strength of his arms around her. Other thoughts followed close on their heels. The force of his blows as they fought; the feel of his flesh under her fist as she’d goaded him into drinking from her to save his life.

Picture after picture assaulted her memory in the seconds the thin blonde Slayer stood and looked at the dark-haired vampire she loved. The sight of him nude, limbs entwined with hers; the movement of their bodies against each other. The savageness of his words in her ears; the lost and forsaken look in Giles’ eyes because of Jenny…

As the memories washed through her, Buffy finally realized that she had lost him.

In fact, she’d lost Angel when they fell asleep in each other’s arms after the first time they had loved completely.

‘ Let's say I'm feeling better

Let's say I'm feeling fine

And now it’s time to wonder

Now it’s time to heal

Time to let it all come down

But I don't know what I feel

But it aches and it hurts and it burns

Oh it kills me’

“I.. I know we need to talk but I’m not sure what to say, Angel. I’m not even sure what to think yet.”

Buffy looked at him and just felt lost and adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

Angel remembered the terror of coming back from Hell and understood some of what he thought she might be feeling. He quickly stepped across the tamped down non-descript rug to reach for her; to pull her into his arms where she might find a familiar place for an anchor as he had in hers.

For a few moments, Buffy gave into the shelter of his strong familiar arms. At least until the remembered feel of a pair of pale, slender, muscular arms flickered like a firefly across her mind. It was there for just a fleeting moment and then the memory was gone.

Buffy stepped back slightly and out of Angel’s arms as she sighed again.

She looked up into his worried face with the blank expressionless mask her friends had seen so much of recently.

“We want to be there..” Her head inclined slightly toward him. “ But you know we can’t. We’ve not had that for a long time now, even though we wanted it.”

Angel looked into the face of the first woman he’d ever loved in his two hundred and fifty-ish years of life and unlife. Even though there was no expression on her thin features, he saw the truth in her eyes. They had both moved on.

*************************************************

‘And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me of what I really am

This is how you remind me of what I really am’

Spike clattered through the back door calling for Dawn as he had done every night since.. since he’d promised Buffy.

Dawn popped around the corner of the kitchen and hugged the blonde vampire before pulling back.

“Hi, come to help us clean up?”

“Still clearin’ the mess from the demon, ‘Bit? You and big sis ok?”

“She’s not here…” Dawn started to tell Spike where Buffy had gone.

Spike grabbed Dawn by the arms, terror etched across his face.

“What! Buffy?! Where’s Buffy, Dawn?!”

“Ow! You can turn me loose now, Spike. Buffy’s ok. We were trying to put things back together and Anya told Buffy how much it cost for the demon to tear things up and then the phone rang and.. and…”

Dawn stopped and looked at Spike, her eyes wide as she realized he would be upset because Buffy had gone to see Angel. Had gone to see Angel and never said a word to Spike.

“Angel called her, Spike. She went to meet him somewhere between here and Los Angeles.”

Giles stood in the doorway behind the vampire. He saw Spike’s shoulders sag just before the anger hit.

“Angel!? What tha’ bloody hell did he want? Why’d you let her go?”

Anger mixed with the hurt that was plain on the blonde vampire’s face.

“You expected me to keep her here how? Should I have sat on her or just tied her up?” Sarcasm laced the Watcher’s voice. They both knew there was no way to stop Buffy from going if she chose to do so and that it had been Angel that had called… They might as well have tried to stop a speeding train.

Giles watched the turmoil of emotions across the vampire’s face as Spike opened his mouth to speak but then closed it and turned on his heel. The walls rattled from the force of the back door slamming behind him.

“Well. That went rather well, don’t you think?” Giles sounded as tired as he felt.

************************************************

‘Once I really believed

There was nothing out there for the lost and lonely

But a voice in my head kept banging on my heart

Says you're not the only one

But it kills me’

Buffy and Angel talked through the night.

As the rose-tinted light of dawn edged the windows, the worn curtains tried to hold day back one more time, looking as tired as the couple in the room.

During the long hours of the night, the two lovers had discussed everything they’d held back for years. They’d cried and yelled at each other. They’d kissed as well as fought fist and teeth. But finally it seemed that all the pent up emotions had finally come out and been sorted through with knife-edged agony.

Buffy sat on the edge of the wrinkled bed as Angel walked the few steps to the small refrigerator the room boasted, to get a soda for her and himself a container of blood.

They’d given up hours ago on the hard, straight-backed chairs that wobbled under even Buffy’s slight weight and sat on the bed, seeking at least a measure of physical comfort.

There was none to be found in their conversation.

“All I found at the store where I stopped was coke. Is that ok?” Angel very tiredly asked Buffy.

“Yeah. It’s wet and has caffeine. Works for me.”

She popped the top of the drink and sipped at it as she watched Angel remove the lid from his container and sip as well.

The two ex-lovers caught themselves being watched and the tension in the room flared again.

“You used to hate for me to see you drink.” Buffy told him.

“I was ashamed to have you see. I could always see that look in your eyes that reminded me of what I am. You don’t look at me like that now.” His unasked question hung in the air between them.

Buffy shrugged. “After the government boys chipped Spike, I’d hold the mug for him while he drank. We did have him chained in Giles’s bathtub after all. It doesn’t bother you now for me to see you feed?”

“I’m used to Cordy seeing me drink. She even keeps stock in the refrigerator for me when Wes and I are there. Can you believe she puts cinnamon in it?” Angel laughed at the thought of the first time Cordelia had done that to him and not told him.

Buffy eyed Angel warily. “Cordelia fixes blood for you? You don’t mind that she sees you feed?”

Angel let the sting from Buffy’s words about Cordy and about Spike come through in his own words.

“It bothered you to see me feed but you’ll hold the cup for Spike?”

They stared at each other, forcing the anger back down as they realized that each of them had someone else in their lives. It wasn’t who either of them had ever imagined and they weren’t sure how that person fit yet, but Buffy and Angel both had someone else in their life.

The couple sheepishly apologized to each other then Slayer and vampire ‘drank’ their ‘breakfast’ before taking turns in the tiny bathroom to freshen up as much as possible.

Buffy and Angel had decided to indulge in one final fond memory. They both needed sleep, not to mention that Angel couldn’t drive back to LA during the day.

Taking off their shoes, Slayer and vampire curled up on the sagging bed, nestled in each other’s arms to sleep for a few hours.

*************************************************************************

‘It's not like you to say sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time I’m mistaken

For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down

Into the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head

Scream,"Are we having fun yet?"’

Spike had prowled the night, his anger and pain wrapped around him closer than his precious duster. He stalked through the Sunnydale night like a barely contained thunderstorm, looking for something to kill after he’d beaten it to a pulp.

Unfortunately for the demons, Spike got his wish.

*All the bloody poof ‘as to do is pick up the bleedin’ phone and the damned chit runs out in the night to ‘im! Never thinks about me ‘less she soddin’ needs something from me! ‘Spike, I need your help! Spike, what do you know about the latest plan to end the soddin’ world?’

Stayed here and ‘elped ‘er precious Scoobies while she was dead. Protected tha’ Lil’Bit for her. Been there whenever she bleedin’ needed me and this is what I get for it. Oh yeah. Kick tha’ ‘spike’ again just cause tha’ bloody souled nancy-boy calls ‘er! *

Spike smashed in the window of the package store and helped himself to several bottles of whatever he could reach first and stored all but one in the recesses of the leather duster.

The glass of the bottle neck almost snapped as he twisted the top from the alcohol and raised it to down half the amber colored liquid in one long pull.

After finishing the rest of the booze in the next drink, Spike smashed the now empty bottle against the corner of the building, leaving him holding the neck of the bottle and the very wickedly ragged ‘working end’ of the bottle.

He thought it was rather handy as he turned the demon with the delicate lacy gills into so much sushi.

Sunrise found Spike collapsed on the floor next to the bed in the lower chamber of his crypt.

He made it that far before finally passing out from the several bottles of booze he’d consumed during the evening.

Getting drunk and killing every demon the vampire could find had barely taken the edge off his anger created by the pain he felt.

* Master vampire, I am. Got s’me pride left. N’v’ry bloody much, but got some... S’uses me.. dos’n’t love me.. Jus’an an..am..aminal t’er.*

Spike’s thoughts staggered as badly as the blonde vampire did while he tried to tell which of the three crypt doors he saw was the right one. The pink-tinged light had nipped at his heels as he’d finally fallen through the door to find it.

From that vantage point, staying close to the floor as he made his way downstairs had seemed the wisest move. He’d not even hit his head too badly falling to the lower chamber but once there, the bed was much too high to climb into…

The very intoxicated vampire was trying to wad the floor up under his head when he passed out.

**********************************************************************

‘we're tryin' we're hopin'

we're hurtin' we're lovin'

we're cryin' we're callin'

because we're not sure how this goes’

Buffy stopped at the fast food joint to pick up a bucket of chicken as she headed back home. She felt guilty for running out on Giles and Dawn and hoped the chicken would make a start for a peace offering.

After everyone had eaten, Dawn followed her sister upstairs to her room for a minute.

“Buffy, Spike came by last night to check on you.. and me. He always does, you know. He knows Angel called and you left. He was pretty upset when he slammed the back door.”

Dawn turned and left the room although she hung onto the doorframe with one hand for a moment longer as she looked back at her so solemn sister.

“ Spike is always here to help you. He’s stayed even when you told him to go away. He’s almost been killed several times trying to help us. Maybe talking to him would be a good idea?”

The teen’s hand released the wood s she headed back down the stairs.

Buffy sat on the edge of her bed as Dawn’s words filled the room around her.

She sighed some more as she realized she’d better go talk to Spike.

* But I AM going to go shower and change clothes first! *

The weary Slayer stood up and headed for her closet to rummage for clean clothes before heading into the bathroom and the shower.

* What is it with the moody vampires? *

Buffy shook her head slowly to herself as she began to undress while the water ran, warming.

************************************************************************

‘ It’s not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

And it must have been so bad

Cause living with me must have damn near killed you’

Buffy walked through the open door of Spike’s crypt, looking around.

* He doesn’t leave the door open.. Not even when he’s not here.. *

She looked around the space as she walked quietly, senses open and prepared for a trap. Anxiety rose in the Slayer at the thought that something might have happened to the irritating blonde vampire, but she brushed the thoughts off as the possible loss of a fighting ally.

Reaching the opening to the lower level of the crypt, Buffy was hesitant to venture down. The events from her last unexpected trip to the lower crypt rose in her mind, filling her with a confusion of thoughts.

* Ok, I can do this. I’m the Slayer. This is what I do. ‘Save neutered, obnoxious vampires that probably cheat at poker?’ Great! Now I’m talking to myself…! *

Finally reaching the ground, Buffy felt around in the Stygian darkness until her hand found a small table. Exploring by touch, she flicked the lighter she found and touched the small flame to a candle on the table.

The darkness retreated away from the flickering light as the weary blonde used the lit candle to light several more scattered here and there around where she stood.

With the darkness abated enough to finally see the torch in the wall sconce, she lit that last and the room sprang into visibility.

Gazing around the now furnished chamber, Buffy saw the object of her search sprawled on the floor.

She walked over to Spike and struggled to work his limp weight over her shoulder to get him up to the bed where she could check better for injuries.

She almost had most of his weight on her shoulder when he stirred, starting to wake up.

Although he was facing upside down, the scent that was so incredibly unique to Buffy filled his sensitive nostrils. Spike automatically wrapped his arms around her, finding her waist.

Buffy started slightly at his movement but followed through with lifting him and then tossed him down onto his own bed as she stood looking at him.

“Spike, are you ok? What were you doing on the floor?”

The sound of her voice prompted Spike to gingerly let one eyelid peel open, only to shut it again as the light stabbed into his brain in agony.

“D’you bring the damned bloody sun down here with you, Slayer?”

He rolled slightly into a straighter position with a groan.

“Are you alright? What’s the matter, Spike? Did you get hurt someway?” Her voice betrayed her worry.

“Yeah. Could say that, s’pose.” The vampire muttered remembering the reason he’d gotten so incredibly drunk and tried to kill the entire demonic population of Sunnydale single handedly the previous night.

Buffy barely heard his words as he muttered. She suspected he’d not intended her to hear them at all.

“Spike, you’re covered in some very colorful blood along with the normal kind, not to mention the slime, dirt and some stuff I don’t even want to know about. I’m guessing most of it’s not yours.”

“Thought y’re no’t gonna mention it.” He muttered back at her, wondering why she was shouting so much already.

“Need ta’ find tha’ loo.” He struggled to get to his feet, but was having trouble remembering were he left them.

“I’m guessing it’s right where you left it.” Buffy stood hip-shot, one fist on her hip as she watched the filthy vampire trying to figure out how to get up.

“Fine..” Exasperation filled her voice as she reached down to grab Spike’s arm and haul him to a sitting position.

“Thanks.” Spike finally managed to locate a slightly upright stance, grabbing Buffy’s shoulder to steady himself for a moment before she could push him away and help him find the floor again.

He grabbed the grimy shirt and pulled it apart, buttons flying everywhere around him and shrugged it off to fall on the floor. He tugged on the tee-shirt trying to pull it over his head as he walked carefully toward the new bathroom he’d managed to have put in the crypt.

It was nice to have demons that owed you a few favors.

The shirt refused to come off and the floor tried to trip the vampire as he made halting progress toward the corner, so he finally resorted to simply pulling the recalcitrant clothing apart then threw it to the floor a few feet from the previous shirt.

Half naked, he finally found the bathroom door.

Buffy watched Spike’s antics as he tried to walk and undress at the same time. She realized he was drunk. More drunk than she’d ever seen him. Even more than that time he’d come wailing some kid’s song under her window and talking to her stuffed animals.

She’d have been disgusted with him if she’d not been so tempted to laugh. Dawn’s words from earlier came back to her and Buffy realized that in some twisted way, she was responsible for Spike getting so incredibly drunk.

She walked over to the bathroom door and leaning against it, Buffy asked Spike if he needed a hand.

“Still got two of’em. Just gotta find tha’ o’ther’un…. There it is. Tryin’ to soddin’ hide from me again…”

Spike hit the toilet with his knee in the darkness.

“Ow! Bloody ‘ell!”

“Spike? You ok?”

The door opened so abruptly that Buffy almost fell into the bathroom with Spike before she caught herself with a hand on the doorway.

“Not ok. Hit my bloody damned knee an’ s’too dark to see to find a bleedin’ thing.”

He lurched across the room with a decided limp now, heading for a candle.

Buffy grabbed his shoulder to stop him before he breathed on the flame and set everything on fire.

“Here, go back into the bathroom. I’ll get the candle for you before you torch the place. I assume you have a shower curtain in that thing?”

Looking at the small Slayer with one blood-shot eye, Spike tried to figure out what she was up to now.

“Yeah, gotta curtain. Why? Gonna baby-sit me?”

“Somebody better before you kill yourself and I seem to be the only one here. Com’on.”

She grabbed a large candle in one hand and slung an arm around the vampire’s naked chest for support as she led him back to the bathroom. Sitting the candle on the tiny ledge next to the sink, Buffy propelled Spike into the miniscule shower space and turned on the water as he leaned against the wall.

Once she had adjusted the temperature to something she considered normal, she hit the knob that directed it to the showerhead. Spike yelled in surprise as the water hit him and Buffy slammed the curtain closed.

“Just get undressed in there and throw the jeans out on the floor. Ought to be ok, since you threw the shirts there next to the bed. Besides, they’re all pretty grungy.”

Spike did as she told him, muttering all the while.

“Damned meddlin’ bitch. Her fault.. her’s and that damned poof… S’ides.. already dead.”

The soggy, demon blood covered jeans hit the floor next to her foot with a slight splash.

“Hand me tha’ soap while you’re standin’ there..”

Buffy’s hand appeared around the edge of the curtain holding out the bar of soap from the sink. Her other hand held the curtain tightly closed.

“Thanks…” Spike was surprised that she’d handed it to him. He had expected her to already have run from the room or to throw the bar at him if she was still there.

“Welcome. I’m gonna go wait in the other room for you.”

“Wait!” Spike stood perfectly still as the water cascaded over his body.

“What?” Buffy was just as motionless, shocked at his request, but expecting some disgusting comment to follow.

“Stay and just talk to me, please?”

The room filled with silence except for the sputtering of the candle flame and the hiss of the water as it fell. Finally one word barely broke the quiet.

“Ok.” Buffy carefully sat on the closed lid of the toilet, wondering why in the world she’d agreed to stay in the bathroom with a naked Spike behind the wet shower curtain.

* Oh God! I just so did not think that! *

************************************************************************

‘My darling lives in a world that is not mine

An old child misunderstood out of time

Timeless is the creature who is wise

And timeless is the prisoner in disguise

Oh who is the beauty

Who the beast

Would you die of grieving when I leave

Two children too blind to see

I would fall in your shadow I believe’

Spike had finished his shower finally. He waited behind the shower curtain while Buffy brought him a change of clothes and then left the small bathroom while he got dressed.

When the blonde vampire finally emerged from the bathroom, Buffy was sitting on the edge of the bed just waiting.

“See you’re still here. Thought you’d have gone.” Spike felt like his head would explode. He knew he’d be upset if Buffy actually had gone, but he also knew he’d have tried to ease his aching head with a bit more of what caused the problem to begin with and a soft pillow instead of the hard floor.

“No, Spike. I came to check on you. Dawn said you’d come by last night and.. uh, I…”

“You’d gone running to the poof as soon as he called you.” Anger hit him again as he remembered the Watcher’s words the previous night. It made his head pound that much more.

* Gotta calm down before my bleedin’ head explodes. *

“Spike, it wasn’t like that. Willow had called him and told him I was alive again. We had some things to settle is all.”

“So I guess he’s still all soul-having?” The thought that she’d been with his sire was more than he could handle right now.

“Yes.”

“That’s it? Just ‘yes’?”

Buffy stood abruptly and paced the few steps back and forth.

“That’s right. Just ‘yes’. It’s not really any of your business, Spike. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone at home and I still don’t want to talk about it. It was intense, we said things that needed saying and it’s over. It’s in the past and done with… We both have our own lives to live, other people in them now.. It’s done. That good enough for you?”

She had stopped in front of him, anger on her face as she saw the matching anger on his face.

“I thought we had some kind of bloody agreement. Not that we’d talked about it or anything. We were acting like friends. Guess I should have known better. Guess I’m back to being the ‘monster’ again. Hard as I try to make up for past mistakes, you still won’t give me a break. Makes me wonder which one of us is really the ‘monster’.”

Spike turned abruptly and headed for the upper level of his crypt only to find his arm in the grasp of the blonde Slayer.

“I didn’t say you were a monster..” Buffy started.

Spike turned to look at her as he interrupted her.

“Didn’t have to say it. Just the way you treat me bloody well says it all.”

She took a deep breath not really wanting to fight with Spike. What Dawn had pointed out was true. He had stayed and helped.

“I don’t mean to… I don’t know what to feel right now. I’ve told you things that no one else knows. Isn’t that trust?”

“Oh, yeah. Great trust. You, me and Angel.” Spike wanted to believe her, but deep in his unbeating heart, he was afraid she’d kick him just one more time.

“No. Just you and me. I didn’t tell Angel where I was.”

Spike looked at her with a stunned but pleased expression.

“You didn’t tell Angel where you were?”

* She shared that with just me? Maybe I had this all wrong.. *

“Nope. That why you were so incredibly drunk?”

“No. I was so incredibly drunk because I drank 4 bottle of booze all by myself.” Spike was determined not to let her know she was the real reason he’d been so drunk. He had been trying hard to get closer to her and he’d thought he’d been doing that until last night. Maybe she had let him closer in her mind but just wasn’t showing it yet. He could only hope.

“Why didn’t you find someone to drink with? Isn’t it suppose to be a bad thing to drink alone? My one memory, what there is of it, of being drunk is bad enough and I wasn’t even drinking alone.”

“You? Drunk, Summers? I’d liked to have seen that.” The thought cheered Spike a bit. He couldn’t imagine the Slayer being drunk, but thought it might be a lot of fun.

“Yeah, in a kinda 1-million-years-B.C. way. Felt like someone turned my head inside out the next day.”

“Yeah, it can be that way sometimes. Tell you what, next time you wanna get drunk, I’ll drink with you.”

Buffy looked at the vampire. All she saw in his very expressive face was the concerned friendship that he’d been showing her lately. She’d been worried that he still thought he was in love with her. They had been getting along well.

* Must mean something’s wrong. Except it’s just me that’s all wrong. *

“Ok. Why not. After all, if it kills me, they’ll just bring me back again.”

Spike caught the sardonic expression that flashed across her face for a fleeting instant as she turned away.

“Don’t think like that, Buffy. They missed you. We all missed you.”

She looked into the clear blue eyes that watched her. What she saw in their depths made her realize that he was one of the ones who had missed her too. Buffy suppressed the sigh that she felt in her heart, but her voice was softer.

“I know. I know everyone did. I just can’t seem to find me anymore though. I’d hoped I could find part of me again if I talked to Angel, but that didn’t help. We said all the things that we’d been hanging onto for years and we fought and then settled things again; but in the end we both realized it was over. That it had been over for a long time and we’d just kept hanging on to something that wasn’t there. We’ve both moved on and we both have other people in our lives.” Buffy gave a small mirthless laugh and gazed across the room as the turmoil of thoughts tried to fill her mind again.

“We may have no idea where they fit in our lives, but they are there.”

Afraid of the answer, Spike still had to ask. “Am I one of those ‘other people’ ?”

In the instant of his question, Buffy knew he was right. Her mouth dried in seconds as she carefully looked into his face again before answering.

“Yeah. You’re the only person I can be myself with right now. Thank you for being here, Spike. It means a lot.”

On impulse alone, Buffy quickly hugged the startled vampire then backed away.

“I’d better go. Giles is waiting to go over the bills and stuff with me.”

“Right. I’ll walk you out. You be ok going home?” Spike headed up to the upper level again. This time the Slayer didn’t pull him back, but followed him instead.

“Sure. From the looks of you when I got here, you thinned out the demon population quite a bit for me last night.” She chuckled for real this time, as she headed for the door.

“Just getting’ a spot o’violence in…” Spike told her as they reached the door to his crypt.

“Ok. Catch you later then.” Buffy turned and went out the door as Spike stood watching her walk away.

“G’night, love.” He whispered.

***************************************************************************

‘Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright

And I shall believe’

Spike watched her walk away until she disappeared in the distance.

* Maybe she’ll let me in soon. This would be killin’ me if I wasn’t already dead. I know somewhere in there, she does care. I know she does. Too much heat to not be a fire. *

He walked back inside the crypt and closed the door.

******************************************************************************

‘And who can say

when the day sleeps

if the night keeps

all your heart

Who knows - only time

Who knows - only time...’

Buffy could finally let some of the hundred of thoughts in as she walked alone toward home.

* Why does he stay? He’s a vampire. He’s dead and has been for a hundred years, just like Angel. But both of them can feel, can love, can care. Why can’t I? It’s like my heart is just stone. They are more alive than I am. What am I gonna do? Will I ever feel anything again? *

She finally let the sigh out. There was just the night air to hear the whispered answer to her thoughts.

“I guess only time will tell..”

Gillian Silverlight 11/10/2001