Title: Doors Of Light

Author: Gillian Silverlight

Distribution: My site: http://www.homestead.com/gilliansspikelair/, those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please ask.

Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, UPN, FX; just about everybody except me. I just play with them.

Summary: **Possible Spoilers for ‘You’re Welcome’** After Angel’s telephone call.

Rating: PG-13

Lyrics: ‘Angel’, ‘Hold On’, ‘Full Of Grace’, ‘I Will Remember You’ By Sarah McLachlan

Dedication: To Charisma Carpenter who is, was, and always will be, Cordelia Chase for all of the fans of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel; The Series. Thank you for everything you’ve given us over the years. We will miss Cordelia.

Doors Of Light

‘Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

For the break that will make it OK’

Angel stared across the empty room. “Thank you,” he whispered.

~*~

‘Hold on

hold on to yourself

for this is gonna hurt like hell’

Cordelia wasn’t sure where she was, but she knew this was part of the path she had to follow in order to arrive where she was scheduled to be.

She stopped to look back down into Angel’s office and saw him hang up the telephone. ‘He knows now. I just hope he understands… God, I HATE this!’

Tears slowly rolling down her face, Cordelia reluctantly turned her back on the scene, continuing up the… ‘staircase’, for lack of a better word.

Opening the doorway at the top, she stepped into the odd room.

It was open, vast, yet felt almost stiflingly small, filled with mist and a strange, indirect light. Through the arched opening to one side of the space, a figure advanced toward Cordelia, who now stood waiting.

The being was mottled; the colors white, but the iridescent white of a quality pearl, together with gold, and silver. They made Cordy think of the effect some high-class decorators strived for, yet never seemed to accomplish. The face was androgynous, classically beautiful, handsome… Even the robes gave no clue as to the sex of the being, if it even had a sex.

“That was well done. The champion is once more on the path.”

The voice was hushed, not quite whispered. It resonated as though several voices spoke at the same time, the words only slightly out of sync, but in a harmony so beautiful that she couldn’t help but feel almost reverent. “Thank you. And thank you for letting me see him… see them, once more.”

The being bowed, slightly, as if her thanks had been its just due.

“It was necessary and as you had said, you were owed. You endured much, but that too was necessary.”

“It was painful, that’s what it was! Will I ever be allowed to understand the purpose of all of this?” Cordelia tried to get her frustration under control. She’d spend so much time in that coma after they had used her body, but she’d willingly allowed it. Their arguments had been persuasive, even if she didn’t understand the reasons for what they’d wanted her to do. She’d known everything that had happened. The entity that had filled her had simply shoved her to one side in her own body, her own mind, and she’d had no choice except to watch everything happen.

“Perhaps. Who is to say what can be learned? Once we thought it impossible for those of your kind to advance so far, yet five times thus, we have been incorrect. Mayhap a sixth shall prove possible as well. The Tribunal may choose to enlighten.”

‘Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had’

Cordelia walked across the room to look more closely through one of the hundreds of ‘windows’ that filled the walls. The mist obscured them the majority of the time, but if you focused directly on them, you could gaze out, down, watch the events as they unfolded…

Angel sat in a chair in his office, his head bowed, his large hands covering his face. Cordelia could see the tremor that shook his shoulders, the pink-tinged tears that escaped, to run across his cheeks, falling un-noticed to the floor.

She was surprised to see the door of his office open and felt anger rising inside of her that someone, anyone would disturb him as he grieved. Cordelia was more surprised to see that it was Spike.

~*~

‘If all of the strength and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place’

“Angel? Wha… I thought you and Cordelia were joining us? Where’d she go? To tha’ powder room to freshen her nose?” Spike fell with a loose grace into the chair across from the dark-haired vampire.

“Leave me alone, Spike. Just leave me alone!” Angel knew Spike was simply being Spike. He had no way of knowing…

Spike heard the gruffness, the sorrow that filled the other vampire’s voice. He’d never seen Angel like this… Suddenly everything fell into place! That taste! The blonde vampire abruptly understood and was almost overwhelmed with that understanding, with sadness, with sympathy… It filled the quiet words he offered to his grieving grandsire, “The Powers let her have a bit more time, s’all… Angel… I’m sorry, mate. I knew there was something between you, but… I’m sorry.”

Angel raised his face, tear-ravaged, pain and anger filled, to snarl at Spike.

“What would you know of it? How the hell could you have any idea what happened, or how I feel?”

Spike stood, running his hands restlessly through his hair, as memories he’d hoped he could forget, yet never could, flooded through him.

“I tasted her, Angel. I’m sorry about it, but the taste… I knew she wasn’t a demon, but didn’t really taste human either. Thought maybe was the drugs, you know. Taste was kinda familiar, but I didn’t realize what it meant until I saw you here, just now.” Spike turned to stare out the windows of Angel’s office, seeing memories that were miles and years away, “I saw her fall, you know… I couldn’t move. I had too many things broken inside of me to do more than drag myself across the ground. She was so beautiful, lying there, looking like she was simply asleep, but I knew she was gone. I knew I couldn’t save her. But I did.” Spike turned to look back at Angel, seeing the older vampire stare at him, shocked…

“I saved her every night after that… tha’ dreams never stopped… Told her so when… after…” Spike shuddered, taking a deep breath to try and steady himself, to push back the memories. “They didn’t tell me what they were doing. Knew I’d have tried to stop them. Knew if any part of what came back was her, I’d never let them…”

He turned away again, unable to face the pain in Angel’s features that so mirrored how he’d felt. “So, I know. I do understand.”

“Spike… You really do love her, don’t you? I didn’t know… She’s the reason you…”

“Got a soul? Yeah.”

“I worked beside her here… We struggled, and we fought… I fired her once to try and keep her safe. She very nearly refused to forgive me for it.” Angel almost chuckled at the memory, but the sound strangled in his throat, ending as a sob. “I spent a fortune on new clothes for her. Then she forgave me. But… somewhere along the way… I fell in love with her. We never got to… It was all taken from us right before we could even tell each other.” Angel walked across the room to look out the window into the lights of the city, spread out below him like thousands of stars flung by a careless hand. “I don’t know how I can keep going now… Except that she told me I could, that I would… I can’t let her down.”

“Some vampires we are… Fall in love… And not with the ones we should. Never that. No, we gotta fall for Slayers or Champions, we do.” Spike shook his head rather ruefully at the irony of it all.

“She was, wasn’t she? No matter what anyone calls us, she was a Champion. A beautiful, sharp-tongued, sarcastic, bitchy, wonderful, loving, Champion. They always said ‘The good die young’.” Angel reached a hand to brush the tears away from his face.

“Always wanted to know who ‘THEY’ were so I could choke hell outta’em.” Spike hesitated, the silence growing thick in the room while he shoved the pain back into hiding, back to a dull ache. “I couldn’t let her die again, you know. Little chit waited until the walls were falling in on us to tell me how she felt. I couldn’t let her stay… couldn’t let her die and leave me left alone again. Thanked her and told her she didn’t… anything to get her to leave before it all fell in… Can’t let her know it was all for nothin’” Spike sighed at the injustice of it, moments before he felt a hesitant hand on his shoulder. He turned, knowing it had to be Angel.

“I can’t go celebrate with them, Spike, but a drink… or maybe a few dozen, might be a good idea. We could talk about the women we love. You haven’t had anybody to talk to about Buffy and I won’t have anyone else to talk to about Cordy… At least not like this.” Angel struggled to keep more tears, as well as the plea he wanted so badly to express, out of his words. As desperately as he needed to talk about the woman he’d just lost, he wouldn’t beg. He knew now just how much they both needed the relief of simply talking to someone else who understood.

Angel even felt somewhat relieved that he wasn’t upset with Spike because of Buffy. They’d both moved on… She to Spike and he to Cordelia. That part felt right. It was what happened afterwards that hurt so much…

“Yeah. Think we could both use a few drinks… Think we can both… both lift a few glasses to our girls…” Spike shrugged, extending his arm to indicate that he’d follow Angel.

~*~

‘Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty and weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight’

Cordelia turned away from the window, tears nearly blinding her. She was even glad that this had helped Spike and Angel find some kind of common ground. They’d fought each other for too long… She understood a great deal more about Spike too. He’d fallen in love with Buffy and had gotten a soul deliberately for her. The brunette was almost her old self for a moment, ‘Of course, being Buffy, she couldn’t do ANYTHING the easy way! She had to be just stubborn until the last possible second!’ Cordelia winced, realizing she’d done the same thing with Angel.

‘You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here’

“Does what you have seen, help ease you?”

“In some ways it does, but do you understand that in other ways, it never will? Cordy wanted the being to understand, but how do you explain to one that has never been human, how the emotions worked?

As if reading her mind, the being explained, “We need not experience them to know how important human emotions are to all of you. Your sacrifices shall not be in vain. But now, 'tis time. You must move from this outer chamber to what waits beyond.”

Cordelia’s gaze followed in the direction the being pointed, seeing a door through the mist. She hesitated, glancing back at the ‘window’ to see Angel’s empty office. He and Spike had already left. She knew she’d see him again, but it just wasn’t the same. Her feet felt heavy, weighted down as she walked toward the doorway, and reached a hand to open it.

On the opposite side, the mist was gone. She found herself in a room that seemed filled with flowers and plants, like an elaborate botanical garden. A gently flowing spring in the midst of it all, beckoned to her and she’d started toward it when she heard her name called.

She knew that voice! But she knew it was impossible. Still, she turned slowly and was caught up in his arms, lifted off her feet and spun around before being lowered back to the ground.

“You’re here! I cannae say I’m sorry, but I am. I know you can only get here like I did, love.”

Cordelia flung her arms around Doyle’s neck, holding him close to her for a few moments before she kissed him. “Doyle! God, you’re a sight for sore eyes, which is what mine will be if I don’t stop crying…”

“It’s alright, Cordy. I know you love him…” The Irish accent seemed to make the soft words sound richer, more… like home.

“I do love him, Doyle. But I also never stopped loving you, you idiot! Does that make me a bad person?” The brunette was worried, feeling like she’d betrayed Doyle or else Angel, in some way.

“No. It just makes you who you are, princess. Think you can stand to put up with me ‘til the rest of them make their way here in… oh, a few dozen years or so…?” Doyle looked at her, his eyes anxious, searching her face.

“Yeah.” She hugged him close again, tears filling her eyes as she willed them not to fall. “I can deal with your bad habits, mister!”

Doyle gently took her hand, tucking it through his arm as he led her toward the other side of the room, chuckling at her. “But I’ve got a whole new set of bad habits now, love. I can’t wait to show you.” He gently pulled her through the doorway, filled with a shimmering curtain of shining light.

‘You gave me everything you had,

oh you gave me light

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories.’

Gillian Silverlight 02/05/2004