Title: Let Me In
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: My site at: www.homestead.com/gilliansspikelair/ others, just ask.
Disclaimer: Joss and the WB own them, I just play with them
Summary: Sometime after the Body- Buffy feels terribly alone
Rating: PG
Lyrics: So Let Me In by Save Ferris
Buffy sat in the middle of the floor, tears rolling un-noticed down her cheeks.
Riley was gone, her mother was gone; her dad had taken Dawn back to LA.
She was all alone.
~*~
Sitting in the floor of his new crypt, Spike smoked cigarette after cigarette, tears rolled down his face unheeded.
His unbeating heart hurt so much he wished he could rip it out to stop the pain.
Joyce was gone. Dawn had been taken to L.A. by her father. He saw them earlier. Buffy refused to talk to him at all.
He didn’t know what to do, where to go. He should have known better than to handle things like he did. He knew Buffy better than that. But the thought of her seemed to make his brain just vanish.
He’d known the Slayer now for several years. He’d always watched her, even when he thought he hated her. She was poetry in motion to watch. He’d managed to get closer to her. She had been coming to him for help and he blew it.
* God, what was I thinking! How could I be so bloody stupid! *
‘I've been watching you and all you do,
For quite some time
Knowing all the ins and outs of you,’
********************
It had rained all day long. The weather fit her mood, Buffy thought. Her thoughts spun through her head, making no sense to her at all.
She thought about her so-called-love life..
* My so-called life is more like it! * The blonde slayer thought bitterly.
Buffy felt so completely alone. Yes, she had Giles and her other friends; and she loved them, she really cared about them. But it wasn’t enough. She didn’t know what was enough, but she knew this wasn’t it.
To top it all off, Spike thought he was in love with her! Sure, she’d asked him for help. He’d always hated her. She thought she could count on that one thing in her life. So she’d trusted him. It was so wiggy, to trust someone because they hate you, but he was chipped, he was safe, he wouldn’t hurt her. She should have known better. Every man in her life hurt her sooner or later.
Buffy wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. Sometimes she just wanted the darkness of the night to swallow her up. Just so she didn’t have to feel anything at all.
‘I should have known what was on your mind
All the world is spinning round and round
Inside my head tonight
I will fall into the darkness
And I fear I will never see the light’
~*~
Spike’s thoughts kept churning in his head.
Couldn’t she see? She was the sun for him, the light in his world. Seeing her kept him sane, kept him alive (or undead as the case may be).
He thought she’d notice how hard he was trying to change. She had been coming to him more and more… It wasn’t like he was asking her to declare undying love for him. All he wanted from her was just a chance to show her he was a different vampire, a new man.
He just wanted her to give him a chance. He knew she had been hurt.. He could see it sometimes in her eyes, in her movement, the way she carried herself when she thought no one saw. But Spike always saw. He always watched this blazing beauty he had fallen deeply in love with.
What should he do now?
‘The light
So let me in
All that I wanted from you
So let me in
Oh please tonight’
Buffy looked around the room. The sun had gone down while she sat and cried, but still the rain fell. The rain that echoed her own tears.
She stared into the darkness, wondering where she had failed.
She’d loved Angel with everything she was… She knew what that had gotten her. Even after that, she’d been willing to be open, to take a chance, so she’d let Parker in. He’d taken what he wanted from her and was gone. It hadn’t even meant much to him.
Riley… She knew she’d not been able to be open with him. She’d tried but it hadn’t been good enough. She hadn’t been good enough… in so many ways. She’d not been there for him. He’d wanted her to be something she wasn’t, but when he’d needed her she hadn’t been there for him.
Her mother… She’d been there for her mom and it still hadn’t help. When the final moment came, she hadn’t been there. Oh, the doctors told her it wouldn’t have mattered.. But it mattered to her. It might have mattered to Mom. Mom had been all alone.
Just like Buffy was alone now.
When Dad came to take Dawn away, Buffy hadn’t been there. She came home as they were leaving. Dawn had cried out the window as her father had driven away. He’d not wanted her, just Dawn.
No one wanted her. What was she going to do? How could she stand this any longer, the loneliness, the gaping empty hole inside of herself.
She was strong, she was the Slayer.
That and 50 cents might get her a cup of coffee.
She had no strength where her emotional life was concerned. She couldn’t keep it together at all.
What had happened? She used to be able to love, to care about someone. It must be the hurt. The pain in her heart had taught her how to build walls. Walls and anger kept people away from her heart, kept them from hurting her anymore than she had been already.
But was this any way to live? She didn’t think so, but she didn’t know what to do about it. She was only 20 years old. It seemed forever, yet she knew she was still young. How had the hurt and anger piled up so high so fast in her life?
She didn’t know how to get out of the trap she’d gotten herself into.
She couldn’t stay like this and she couldn’t climb out.
Buffy held her aching head in her hands trying to figure a way out, to not feel so alone. To not feel like a failure
To fill this burning ache deep inside of her.
The darkness seems to be
So very strong
How does one alone
Against the world find
The strength to carry on
What happened to the
Way we used to love
It seems as though
Life had just begun
But now that love
Has come and
Gone to fade away
Like the setting sun’
~*~
Spike didn’t know what to do, but he knew he couldn’t sit there any longer tonight. It was killing him.
He couldn’t go to Buffy, she’d kill him!
* Just a chance. That’s all I wanted. Just a break, just let me prove myself. Should have bloody well known better. Told that soldier boy I didn’t have a chance. Knew she’d bloody well never listen to me or even consider me. Bloody Hell! *
Spike jerked himself up from the floor and bolted through the door. Maybe if he walked fast enough, he could out-distance his thoughts, he could find a way to… something, anything. He couldn’t live like this any longer.
That woman when he was human, whatever her name had been… It hadn’t hurt this bad with her.
And Dru… Ahh, Dru, his dark princess. He’d been with her for a hundred years. He thought he’d loved her. He’d not know what love was until now. Now that it was too late. Now that he’d made every mistake possible with Buffy.
He walked out into the rain.
‘All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
So let me in
Oh please tonight
Don't let this end tonight
Cause I'm starting to fall
So let me in’
Buffy pulled herself slowly up from the floor. She was stiff from sitting there for so long. She had to get out of the house. She had to do something, move, fight, anything to stop this feeling.
She’d go patrol, anything other than stay here.
Buffy left the house and went out into the night, into the dark, into the pouring rain.
She walked in no general direction, just letting her feet carry her. She had no real plan. She had no answers.
What was missing? She didn’t even feel alive any more, just a walking… something.
A killer, a predator, a tool to be used and then tossed away. Was that all she was?
She walked, drenched to the skin, not caring, not feeling the rain. There was too much pain in the way.
She walked with her head down, staring at the ground, not even seeing it.
She walked right into something. Something wearing boots, someone wearing boots.
She looked up into the face of the blonde vampire that had just walked into her.
He was as wet as she was and as miserable looking.
“Spike…”
“Why are you here? I’ve been staying away from you like you said.”
“I… I don’t know. I was just walking, and there you were.”
“I’ll leave you alone.” Spike started to walk away from her.
“NO! Don’t… please. Don’t leave me alone. I need… I don’t know what I need, but I need something.”
He just looked at her, he saw the pain in her face, but he didn’t know how to help. He knew she didn’t want him to help. Anyone except him…
“You don’t want me here. I know you’d rather be with anyone except me.”
* He sounds so sad, so hurt. He sounds like I feel… *
“Walk with me, please. Then neither of us has to be alone right now.”
Spike just looked at her again. He didn’t have the strength or the energy to tell her no, to walk away from her, so he turned and walked next to her. Neither of them spoke as they walked through the rain, the night, the darkness, both with pain as their companion.
‘All the world is spinning round and round
Inside my head tonight
And I fear I will never see the light’
~*~
They walked side by side, Slayer and Vampire. Somewhere in the walk, they came to the end of the cemetery and the fence around it. They both knew it would take more effort than either of them had to go around it, or over it, so they sat down with their backs to it, side by side in the rain.
“Dad came and got Dawn today. He took her back to LA. He didn’t even wait until I got home. He didn’t tell me, he didn’t want me. I wasn’t there.
When Mom died, I wasn’t there. The doctors said it wouldn’t have mattered, but I should have been there. It might have mattered to her. It mattered to me.
I’m alone, Spike. I’m so alone and it hurts so much. What’s so wrong with me that no one wants me.”
“Do you really want me to answer that question?”
“Can you?”
“Part of it.”
“Please?”
Spike took a deep breath and started. “ It’s not that no one wants you, Buffy. The problem is that since Angel, you’ve kept people away. He hurt you, so you think everybody is going to hurt you. Your Mum… You know she loved you. Dawn loves you. The Scoobies love you. Angel loved you enough to leave you.”
“How can he love me if he left me, Spike? He loved me enough to leave me, but not enough to stay with me?”
“Buffy, it took more love for him to leave you than it did for him to stay with you. He knew he couldn’t be what you wanted, what you needed. He knew he might lose his soul again if he stayed with you. It took more love than you can imagine to walk out of your life and be alone.”
“ I- I hadn’t looked at it like that. I guess you’re right. Like it took more love for me to send him to Hell, than to keep him with me…
But I’m so alone, Spike… I’m so miserable. Maybe I’m being selfish, but it just all hurts so badly. Angel, Parker, Riley, Mom, Dawn…”
“You have your mates. The Scoobie gang.” Spike’s voice was so depressed. His own pain filled his words to her.
“I know they care about me. But… it’s not enough. They can’t hold me at night, or kiss it and make it better. They have their own lives. I should be able to manage by myself… But I just can’t.”
“You’re not alone, Buffy. Look at me. I’m here with you. You’re not alone.”
Buffy looked at the blonde vampire next to her. Red tinged tears rolled down his face as he talked to her. He’d told her before that he loved her. Was it true? Did she want it to be?
“You told me before that you loved me, Spike. Why? If it took Angel so much more love to leave me, why do you stay?”
He sighed. “It took Angel more love to leave you, because he couldn’t give you what you wanted or needed, even though you loved him and wanted him.” Spike’s voice got quiet and rough under neither from emotion.
“It takes more love for me to stay, Buffy. You don’t love me. You don’t want me. I have no chance with you at all. But you need me, even if you don’t want me.”
Buffy couldn’t say a thing. His statement had shocked her. Numb as she was, it shocked her to the bone. She did need him. She hated it too. But she’d been admitting a lot of things tonight to herself, to him; maybe she needed to admit this one too.
“I do need you. I hate to need anyone. That’s why I get so angry, but I do need you.
Why do you stay, Spike? I’ve been so cruel to you, why do you stay?”
“I stay because you need me and because I need you. The world is a much better place with you in it, than if you weren’t here. Not because you’re the Slayer, but because you’re you. The sight of you makes my world a bit brighter. I used to think I knew what love was… I thought I loved Dru for a hundred years. I had no idea what love was until I finally realized that I love you. I was right about what I told you and Angel. I remember it like it was burned into my bloody brain.
‘Love isn't brains, it's blood... blood
screaming inside you to work its will.’
That’s why I stay. That’s why I love you.
You’re in my blood, my heart, every part of me. And none of it does me any good
at all.”
Buffy had almost stopped crying until now.
Spike’s words caused the tears to flow again, even harder. She was sobbing, her
hand over her mouth, fighting to gasp in enough air between the sobs.
* How could I? I let my own pain and
selfishness blind me to his. He loves me as much as Angel did and I haven’t
deserved either one of them.*
Buffy
struggled to her feet, sobbing, gasping, blinded by her tears and the still
pouring rain.
“I’m
sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant to do that. I never meant to hurt you like
that. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”
She
started to run, trying to get away from the pain she was causing him.
Spike got
to his feet and lunged after her. He’d only taken a couple of steps before he
grabbed her arm.
“What the
bloody hell are you doing? Do you hate me that bleedin’ bad?”
“No… I
can’t… I didn’t mean… How can you stand to even look at me after the way I’ve
hurt you!!!” Buffy felt her knees give way. She’d have hit the ground if Spike
had not caught her.
He pulled
her to him. She was sobbing uncontrollably now and he couldn’t even try to stop
her without hurting himself.
He sat
down on the wet ground and pulled her into his lap, and gently slapped her
cheek enough to make it sting.
Pain
exploded through his head. He arched back as the pain caught him in its grip.
The slap
got through the building hysteria in Buffy. She saw Spike’s head snap back and
knew the chip had gotten him. She grabbed his shoulders before he could hit the
ground.
“Spike.
Spike, are you alright?” She asked as she tried to control the sobs.
Pain laced
his voice. “Yeah, just as soon as it stops ‘urtin’.”
The irony
of his comment hit Buffy. In her crying, emotionally exhausted state his words
were funny. She started to laugh as she cried.
Spike knew
she was on the edge, more than he was or had been. He pulled her close to him
and held her. She finally stopped laughing, the tears slowed and finally
stopped. She leaned against his chest, her arms around him.
Finally
she looked up at him as she still sat in his lap, his arms holding her close,
hers holding him.
“Spike…
What do you want from me? You know I’m not in love with you. At least I don’t
think I am. I can’t tell right now how I feel about anything, the walls are too
high.”
“I know
they are, luv. I’ve known for a while.
What do I
want? I want you to see that I’ve been trying to change. I want you to see that
I have changed and will keep trying to do more. I want you to see that I do
love you. I want you to just give me a bleedin’ chance to see if you might feel
something for me other than hate. I want you to give me a chance to prove to
you that I won’t leave you.”
Buffy
looked into his eyes. They were beautiful. So blue, so full of pain, so edged
with hope that it hurt her to look at them.
She was
alone in the middle of her friends. He was completely alone. He loved her. She
needed him. He’d said he wouldn’t leave her. He did keep helping her, saving
her even when she didn’t want him to, even when he had to save her from
herself, like tonight.
Could that
be enough? Behind all the walls, did she love him? Could she love him?
She’d
loved Angel. Even when he was Angelus, she’d still loved him while she hated
him.
She hadn’t
staked Spike, no matter how often she’d threatened him. He’d never been shut
out of her house in four years, until recently. He’d never hurt her or any of
them, even without a chip.
She took a
deep breath and closed her eyes. Trust had to start somewhere. He’d trusted her
to understand when he told her he loved her.
Buffy
opened her eyes and looked back up at Spike. The hope was gone from the edges
of his eyes, leaving just the pain.
“Spike…
I’ll give you a chance. I’ve not been fair to you at all. I’ll give you the
same chance I gave Angel.”
“That’s
fair enough, luv. It’s all I can ask for.”
“Spike,
will you take me home now?”
“Yeah.
Don’t think you could fight off a butterfly right now.”
She
laughed at him. He pushed her up so he could stand as well. He kept one arm
around her, helping her to stand. She put her arm around him. It had been an
exhausting night for both of them, without slaying a thing.
They
walked toward her house in a comfortable silence.
She felt
so much… better, lighter, relieved? Why? She didn’t understand.. Was it because
she’d agreed to give Spike a chance to win her love? Maybe it was. Maybe that
was what she was suppose to do.
‘It was
all that
~*~
The wet,
bedraggled pair reached Buffy’s house finally. As they walked up onto the
porch, Buffy very quietly asked Spike, “Please come in, Spike. You’re soaked to
the skin. A-and I don’t want to be alone. Please?”
“Are you
sure about me coming in? Are you asking me to stay tonight?”
“Yes… To
both. I’m not offering anything except company. Angel stayed over one night…
Before I knew… He slept on the floor next to my bed… I’m offering the other
half of the bed. And sleep. Nothing more. Okay?”
“Yeah.
It’s okay. I accept. Thank you, luv.”
‘It was
something
You never
knew’
~*~
Buffy went
to shower as she sent Spike to her Mother’s bathroom to do the same. She found
dry clothes that she thought might fit him and left them outside the door to
the bathroom.
Once she
was showered, dry and dressed, she waited on the top step for him.
He came
out dressed in an over sized tee shirt of hers and a too large pair of sweats.
At least they were too large on her. They seemed to fit him just about right.
Without
any more words, Buffy took Spike’s hand and lead him toward her room. She
turned down the cover on the bed.
“Which
side do you prefer?”
“Which
ever one you don’t want, luv.”
She simply
nodded at him and crawled into bed on her usual side.
Spike
looked at her tenseness and hesitancy.
“Buffy, if
you don’t want me here just say so. You know I can’t hurt you. You also know by
now, I hope, that I wouldn’t hurt you, ever.”
“That’s
not what I’m worried about.”
“Buffy,
I’d never take advantage of you either. It’s not how I am.”
“I know
that, Spike.”
“Then…” He
was silent as it suddenly hit him what she was really worried about.
“Oh. It’s
okay, luv. We’re just gonna sleep.”
But not
tonight’
Spike got
into bed on the other side, being careful to leave space between them. Space
wasn’t what he really wanted but this was more than he had ever thought he’d
get, so he wasn’t complaining or taking any chances.
Buffy
turned off the light and snuggled into her pillow. Spike closed his eyes and
tried to relax. Gradually the tenseness left his body and the edges of sleep
started to creep over him.
He felt
Buffy turn over, and she moved closer to him, putting an arm around his waist.
She
snuggled up against him and he put his arm around her being careful to not
touch anything he shouldn’t.
Finally he
relaxed again, feeling her warmth the length of him.
She moved
again, reaching up and kissing him. The kiss was all lips and tongue, sweet and
consuming.
Buffy
finally broke the kiss, breathing a bit hard. Spike was long past that point.
“Good
night, Spike. Thank you for staying. I’m gonna fall now.” Buffy’s voice was
low, husky, filled with an undercurrent of sleep.
Tonight
I fall’
“G’night,
luv.”
In the
darkness of the room, Spike didn’t see the tender smile that crossed Buffy’s
face.
The Beginning
Gillian
Silverlight 3/24/01