Title: Once Upon A Time
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: hey go for it.
Disclaimer: Joss and the WB own’em, I just play with them.
Summary: A very twisted fairytale
Rating: PG
Once upon a time, in a make believe land called California, there were two Wizards who created a town called Sunnydale. The two wizards, who were named Joss and David (well, I do know the last names, but that’s not polite, besides, names have power) created a world and populated it with all manner of strange and miraculous people.
They decided to share those people in their town and the adventures they had, through a magick crystal ball called television. They were even nice enough to allow their creations to have a version of television in their town of Sunnydale, but alas, that may have been a mistake, as we shall see as we go along, boys and girls.
In the town of Sunnydale, was a young girl named Buffy. She was a vampire Slayer, but as a child she watched too much of the television invention and it had strange effects on her mind, as we shall see.
Buffy was young and sweet and innocent in addition to being a typical teenage girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders. To help her in her glorious never-ending quest to rid the world of the vampires, she had the help of her watcher, Mr. Giles and several new friends. One night, a mysterious handsome dark haired brooding stranger appeared on the scene. He was wise to the ways of teenage girls and with great ease led her to fall in love with him before she knew his true nature. His face was so very beautiful, he was called Angel.
One of Buffy’s new friends was a redhead named Willow. Willow the tree that bends in the wind. And bend Willow did. She was in love with her childhood friend named Xander. Yet Xander never considered her other than a friend and instead lusted after their new friend, Buffy; like a normal teenage boy, which he was.
Everyone in Sunnydale had horrible taste in choosing mates. It was something that had been added to the water without their knowledge.
Willow loved Xander who loved Buffy who loved Angel.
During the course of their adventures, Willow gave up on Xander and decided to love Oz the werewolf. Once she was very involved with the wolf, Xander finally noticed her, only to get caught in the clutches of a kiss by Oz and Xander’s girlfriend, Cordelia. It was a most unhappy scene.
Xander had lusted after a teacher who turned into a big bug and tried to eat him, then he kissed an Incan princess-demon who would have sucked him dry of his life. Next he decided to try Cordelia, who hated all of Buffy’s odd friends.
Once Xander was caught with his lips where they shouldn’t have been, he moved on to the ex-demon who had heard Cordelia’s wish for vengeance, and instead wound up trapped in her human body by Buffy the Slayer.
Buffy’s love with Angel did not run smooth either. She’d fallen very much in love with the man, even though she could tell he was older than her. Then she discovered he was 230 years older than her, and he was also a vampire. The ones Buffy was destined to destroy. What to do, what to do?
Buffy decided to love him. The one with the face of an Angel loved her in return, for while he had been an evil, wicked demon of a vampire; now he had been cursed (a soul is a curse in Sunnydale?) making him an outcast from all vampire kind.
Finally after much making out and petting, getting hot and bothered and much ‘seat wetting’; the young Buffy chose for her birthday present, to lose her virginity to the darkly handsome and brooding Angel.
Waking in the middle of the night, Angel discovered that where in many stories the heroine is saved by the kiss of the handsome prince; in his case, the handsome vampire was in big trouble for doing more than kissing the beautiful Slayer. He had lost that pesky soul and was a very bad vampire indeed.
So Angel returned to doing bad vampire things.
But Buffy still loved him and couldn’t kill him, so he killed the girlfriend of her Watcher, who just happened to be of the same gypsy clan that had given Angel his soul to begin with.
(You see, boys and girls, if you don’t have a score card, it’s hard to know who did what to who and why, cause it just keeps changing, But back to our tale)
So Buffy finally went to fight the evil Angel or Angelus as he was called when he was very very bad (and he still had no curls!)
She had gotten help from another vampire who was a childe of Angel/us’s
(Vampires spell very funny, much like the British and reproduce asexually) who went by the name of Spike.
Like Angel, Spike was also a very attractive vampire and the two vampires had much hostility toward each other. (They kept fighting over the same girls, much like many teenage boys).
Well, Angelus had been even more bad than normal for him, so with the help of Spike; Buffy managed to fight Angelus and was about to kill him when: Willow (remember Willow) who was learning to be a witch now, cast a spell to put Angelus’s soul back and make him Angel again
(He really had this whole Jeckle and Hyde thing going for him)
Xander, who had always been jealous of Angel (remember, Xander wanted Buffy, and had ignored Willow until someone else wanted Willow) accidentally forgot on purpose to tell Buffy that Willow was going to put the soul back and make Angelus nice again as Angel.
So Buffy didn’t know to stop Angelus from his wicked deeds and as she was about to kill him to stop those wicked deeds in progress, his eyes blinked on and off like a Christmas tree light bulb, as his soul returned.
But, alas it was too late for our hero and heroine. She had to turn him into a big shiskabob and send him to Hell (don’t say that boys and girls).
Buffy was so very upset that she ran away.
But then she came back.
And then Angel came back because Hell didn’t want him.
Buffy knew her friends were a bit upset with Angel. They had never developed a taste for being tortured or scared all the time and didn’t understand how to play the game.
Buffy knew she had to hide Angel now that she was seeing him again. They were both very obsessed with each other.
Of course all the friends found out that Buffy was sneaking around and a big fight took place between the friends. After all, Xander and Cordelia sneaking around together, and Xander and Willow sneaking around together was not the same as Buffy sneaking around, right?
But Buffy and Angel finally won them over again and kept seeing each other.
One day, Spike came back to town. His girlfriend for the past 100 years had been unfaithful with Angel when he was Angelus, but even though Spike had been willing to forgive her, she was upset because he’d had nice thoughts about Buffy. His girlfriend, Dru, was unreasonable like that.
Spike wanted Willow, with her witch powers to help him win Dru’s love again, but we all know magick can’t make someone love you.
Spike told Buffy and Angel they were being silly to pretend to be friends after the love they had between them. And Xander let his lips wander to Willow’s at a bad time and this is when they were caught.
Later, with the perfect timing that only men seem to have, Angel broke up with Buffy right before her senior prom. He did show up long enough to dance with her once and then help her save the world again, before he left to go to the magickal city of Los Angeles.
(Also called the City of Angels, so he might have thought he’d find relatives there. Instead he just found Cordelia)
There Buffy was, alone again.
She thought one college boy liked her and so she fell straight into bed with him, while her heart cried out for Angel.
But the boy was like so many men and just used our poor Buffy.
(But it wasn’t the same for her, even though she loved Angel still but was having sex with another man)
Once again Spike came back. This time he said cruel things to Buffy, adding to her own insecurities and because he was angry with her. You see, Spike had discovered he liked Buffy, so was saying mean things to her and hitting her and pulling her hair to hide the fact that he liked her. Buffy didn’t understand this is how boys really work.
Willow found out that Oz had been naughty with a female werewolf, so he left Willow. If this was how men were going to be, Willow decided, she didn’t need a man in her life and started dating another woman. That’s called gay.
So Buffy’s witch friend was now gay and dating another witch.
Buffy decided to date a tall studdly man named Riley. But he wasn’t a vampire, and in specific he wasn’t Angel, so it was hard for her to love him.
The people that Riley worked for in secret had captured Spike and put a chip in his head so that he had to be a good vampire or have very bad headaches. While he had calmed down and was being good, Spike finally admitted that he liked the blonde Slayer Buffy.
So Spike hung around her house, and watched for her and borrowed things from her laundry that smelled like her.
(Have any of you girls and boys ever had pictures of someone you had a secret crush on or borrowed a sweater of theirs that still smelled like them, or waited where you thought they might be so they would notice you? Well, that is what Spike was doing too.)
Riley knew that Spike liked Buffy and was jealous, so he was mean to Spike and tried to beat him up and hurt him. So Spike told Buffy that Riley had been cheating on her with nasty vampy vampires. (They were doing bad things! For money!)
Buffy got upset, as most girls would do. Riley got upset that Buffy got upset and tried to tell her what to do. She told him no way, so he left. (Just like Oz did with Willow)
(Watch out girls, this is what some boys will do when they are wrong and get caught!)
But Spike stayed there and tried to help Buffy.
As you might be able to tell, Buffy was always getting into trouble.
Buffy had watched too much television, and had decided that like in that make-believe world of immortals called Highlander; that when it came to vampire, there could be only one. And for her, that one vampire was Angel. But Angel was still in Los Angeles helping the helpless and doing naughty things to lawyers and with his ex-girlfriend.
Buffy didn’t know this and thought Angel was still wonderful.
Finally Spike told Buffy that he loved her, but she was very mean and nasty to Spike for caring about her. She didn’t believe him.
Buffy believed that all kinds of other demons and bad people could fall in love, but not Spike; even after he had stayed with his last girlfriend for 100 years, just like the other fairytales and had been willing to forgive her for being bad with Angelus.
Buffy had learned how to play the games with Angelus, but she got upset with Spike for playing the same games. He chained her up to get her to listen to him but she refused. You see, boys and girls. There could be only one, and that was Angel. So only Angel was allowed to play the chain games with Buffy.
Buffy was very mean to Spike, and got all of her friends to be mean to him too.
Poor Spike. He just wanted to be loved by Buffy. But she wanted to be loved by Angel, and Angel did not know who he wanted to be loved by now.
They were all very confused people and they made everyone who watched what happened to them in the magick crystal ball called a television, very confused too.
We could see what was wrong and we tried and tried to fix it, but the two wizards refused to fix the problems. They were sadists with their creations and very jealous, much like normal teenage boys.( And Angel, Riley, Spike and Xander)
So what have we learned from our story today?
There can be only one and he must be Angel.
When boys and sometimes girls are bad to their mates, they run away.
Some boys only want a girl after she’s with another boy
Some girls decide they don’t want to be hurt by boys anymore and date other girls.
Witches wobble but they don’t fall down.
Just because a vampire can love someone for 100 years, doesn’t mean he can love you.
And finally, don’t try to explain anything to wizards, cause they don’t want you to play with their toys and they think you are crunchy and might go well with ketchup.
Gillian Silverlight 4/16/01