Title: What is Forever?
Author:
Gillian Silverlight
Distribution:
My site, those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please
ask. (If you post my fic. Please do not rearrange the sentence groupings. It
can alter the flow of the story. Thanks.)
Disclaimer:
They belong to Joss and the WB, UPN, FX; just about everybody except me. I just
play with them.
Summary: My
version of the final episode based on Spoilers (BtVS S7 & AtS S4) and on
what I believe and would prefer to see, if it has to be.
Rating: R
(Character Death)
Lyrics: ‘Hero” by Chad Kroeger; ‘Fear’ By Sarah McLachlan; ‘A Soft Place To Fall’ By Allison Moorer; ‘Torn’ By Creed; ‘The Big Empty’ By Stone Temple Pilots; ‘Forever May Not Be Long Enough’ By Live; ‘I Stand Alone’ By Godsmack; ‘Goodbye To You’ By Michelle Branch;
What Is
Forever?
‘But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came
And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait’
The sky was shrouded in a sick, grey yellow smoke that dimmed the sunlight.
Buffy looked at the ruin that had once been her house. The fires had eaten most of it away. The room she’d had for so long, the window she’d used as entry and exit more often than the door, all of the memories it had held of her mother, Angel, Spike… Gone, all gone, eaten away by the fire that had ravaged it.
The fire that had ravaged most of Sunnydale.
The last battle had killed so many of the Potentials…
The demonic hoards spewed forth from the earth by the First Evil…
Robin was gone, killed during one of the many fights. Xander had lost an eye to the chief disciple of the First. He was recovering but was bitter at the hand fate had dealt him.
Buffy had resented Faith’s return initially, but the second Slayer standing shoulder to shoulder with Spike and her, was all that had saved any of them. Faith waited at the hospital with Willow and Xander, hoping the few Potentials they’d managed to take there, would also be saved.
‘The peace is dead in my soul
I have blamed the reasons for
My intentions poor
Yes I'm the one who
The only one who
Buffy knew she had only a short time to try and catch her breath, re-group and attempt one more futile effort to stop the First’s evil.
Wiping a bloody, soot stained hand across her forehead to clear the begrimed hair from her face, the Slayer froze, motionless at the sound of an all too familiar voice behind her.
“Buffy?”
She turned with agonizing slowness, not daring to believe her own ears, but once she looked, it really was him.
A haze of smoke hung in the air between Angel and Buffy; all too reminiscent of the time before he’d left her. That space of quiet confusion after graduation and the defeat of the Mayor’s ascension, as she looked through the smoke from the school burning to see Angel watching her, to see him turn away and walk out of her life.
“Angel?”
He took a step toward her and everything she’d struggled to hold back came crashing down around her. She ran the short distance to the brunette vampire, flinging herself into his waiting arms, his lips suddenly covering hers as they kissed in a kind of frantic desperation.
The other direction down the street, Spike halted abruptly as he saw Angel, saw Buffy see Angel, saw the woman he loved throw herself into the older vampire’s arms, saw them kiss and felt his chest tighten in a pain sharper than anything the First had done to him.
Seeming to crumple in on himself, Spike slowly turned, slipped into the shrubs and smoke, disappearing from sight.
‘Don't misunderstand me baby please
I didn't mean to bring back memories
You should know the reason why I called
Angel released Buffy, letting her drag ragged breath into her lungs.
“Angel, how… Why… Oh, God, Angel! So many of them are dead! I couldn’t save them, I couldn’t do enough…”
Scalding hot tears spilled down Buffy’s cheeks, runnels through the soot and dirt that streaked her face.
“I know. We’ve had the same things in L.A. But they’re better. A bit, but better. I knew you needed help.”
“Thank you, Angel.”
“Buffy… I… I should have been here before… But I couldn’t. I couldn’t see you and not touch you. So I’m here now, but…”
“But it’s different now. You can be here and not have to touch me. I know, Angel. So much has happened to both of us. It’s not the same any more. I mean, I know how we were and I know what you meant to me, will always mean to me, but it’s not the same now.” Buffy wanted to look away, wanted to wrap her arms around herself and walk away, but all she could do was look into the brown eyes she used to love more than life itself and try to explain. However, truly explaining meant admitting the truth. She knew it now, but didn’t know if she could say it out loud. Didn’t know if she could say it to this man who had been her life.
‘time to wait too long
to wait too long
these conversations
kill’
“I know,
Buffy. I’m glad you understand because I wasn’t sure how to say it. It is
different. You know I’ll always love you, just – just not the same.”
Angel hung
his head, unable to keep meeting her eyes. Those blue-green eyes he’d dreamed
of for so long, that could always cut him to the quick, that reflected his soul
back to him. Now they were the eyes of the woman he no longer knew.
“I’m glad
we understand each other, Angel. I’m glad you’re here. We can use the help.”
“Well,
let’s go find the others and decide what to do.”
He wrapped
his arm around her as they started down the street. His heart a bit lighter,
even with the ever-present fear that she might die again.
************************************
‘but I fear
I have nothing to give.
I have so much
to lose here in this lonely place.
Tangled up in our embrace
there's there's nothing I'd like better than
to fall’
Spike
stood alone in the cemetery, head leaning against the cold stone that he hugged
to his chest while the pink-tinged tears ran down his face.
He was
still standing there when Faith found him sometime later.
“Spike!
Man, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! We’re trying to come up with a plan
and need you there.”
“Don’t
need me… Angel’s there now. ‘S’all Buffy ever needed, all she ever wanted…”
The
headstone he kept his face turned against muffled his voice.
“What tha’
hell are you talkin’ about? Yeah, brood-boy’s there too, but he’s not in love
with Buffy any more and she’s not in love with him.”
Faith was
puzzled as much by Spike’s deep depression as she’d been by the new, easy
relationship Buffy and Angel had seemed to find.
“Saw her
kissin’ him. She doesn’t want me except to fight the First. Should have let it
kill me long ago…”
‘Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
And they say
That a hero could save us
Faith
grabbed the blonde vampire by the arm, jerking him around to face her. In an
instant she took in the despair in his eyes, the tearstains on his face and
lashed out, catching him in the jaw with solid fist.
“You
idiot! We need you and you’re gonna stand here and cry? Are you so damned blind
that you can’t see she loves you? Why tha’ hell d’you think she fought Giles
and damned near everybody else when they wanted to kill you? I heard!”
Faith
grabbed Spike by the front of his coat, dragging him behind her.
“Damn
stupid vampire, got rocks in his damned head now instead of chips... can’t even
see that B’s so damned much in love with him she’d sacrifice all of us to keep
him safe….”
Her words
finally penetrated Spike’s deep depression. He pulled his coat out of her
hands, attempting to smooth the stained leather as he visibly pulled himself
together and walked beside her instead of being pulled along.
‘forever may not be long enough
for you to know just how far I’d travel,
just how far I would go open your heart
and everything will be alright
open your heart, baby leave with me,
don't be afraid forever!
this world is never
enough,
and I'm not givin up
my faith in love is
like blood’
Spike
followed Faith into the room.
His eyes
sought Buffy instantly, only to find her sitting beside Angel. But her eyes
turned to him and he saw the relief fill them, felt the caress of her gaze on
him, saw the slight lift of the corner of her mouth as she relaxed slightly,
knowing he was back.
Feeling
the tightness loosen from his chest, Spike sauntered over to sit on her other
side.
Buffy
reached out with a dirty hand to cover his and as he felt the warmth of her
skin against his coolness, felt the small unconscious motion of her thumb move
across the back of his hand, he knew Faith had told him the truth.
Spike also
knew he’d probably never hear the woman he loved admit how she felt about him,
but he could believe it now. He could accept what was to come, even if it was
the end of the world.
‘And I am needing you here,
Inside the absence of
fear’
************************************
The dead
and dying littered the ground around them.
Buffy,
Spike, Angel and Faith had fought their way to the seal.
They
stood, bleeding, torn, weary beyond belief, as they saw the bright, pulsating
object, spilling forth more energy to the evil of the world.
Across the
blinding brightness, the First flickered in and out of various shapes, taunting
each of them, preying on their weaknesses.
Spike knew
what he had to do. The knowledge filled him like water flowing into a cup,
brimming to the edge.
He turned
his back on the vision of the First to look at Buffy’s battered, bloody,
beautiful face.
“Buffy, I
know what has to be done. It’s alright, luv. I want to do this to keep you
safe, to keep all of you safe.”
She stared
at him, refusing to understand what he was trying to tell her.
“I don’t
understand, Spike. What are you saying?”
‘I'm not afraid of fading
I stand alone’
“You know what I’m tellin’ you, luv. You know this is what has to be done. I just want you to know that the time we spent together means more to me than anything in my life, or unlife, as it is… I love you, Buffy.”
He reached to cup her face, to kiss her, but she wrenched away from him.
“No! Spike, no! You can’t mean… NO! We’ll find another way…”
‘I stand alone
And now its my time (now its my time)
It's my time to dream (my time to dream)
Dream of the sky (dream
of the sky)’
Spike
reached for her again and this time she let him hold her face between his
hands, her hands clutching at his to keep him in place.
“Buffy… You know this is right. It was my blood that opened the seal. It’ll have to be mine that closes it.”
He covered her mouth with his as small, wounded cries spilled from her mouth to his, her hands clung to him.
‘Help me decide if my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone’
Wrenching away from the kiss, Buffy continued to cling to him, desperation filled her eyes, the horror of his meaning spread across her face.
“Spike… I can’t do this! I can’t do this again! Please… I don’t want to lose you!”
“I have to… Tell me just once, Buffy, then I can go. I can be a man.”
“Spike…”
Her voice broke, tears choking her as she struggled to find the words he wanted, the words she knew would take him from her…
“I love you, Spike. You are a man and not a monster. I – I’ve loved you since… since I came back and you took my hand and knew exactly how many days I’d been gone. I was just so afraid, Spike. I was afraid to love you, but I do… I love you! I’ll always love you, Spike. Please don’t leave me!”
‘I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded
by the light’
“I have to
do this, Buffy. I love you, Slayer. I’ll love you forever…”
Spike
glanced at Faith and Angel, surprised to see tears on their faces.
“I have to
do this. Take care of her for me.”
Angel and
Faith grabbed Buffy’s arms as Spike turned away, stepping toward the glowing
seal. Behind him, Buffy shrieked, screaming his name. Across the seal, the
First Evil taunted him.
Spike took
a deep breath, shutting both of them out and reached into his pocket, pulled
out a small knife.
Gritting
his teeth against the pain, he slashed it across his wrist; quickly holding the
arm over the seal, letting his blood flow across it, soak into it.
Then
before the blazing light could die away, Spike stepped onto the metal, reached
into his pocket again and pulled out one of Buffy’s stakes. Gripping it with
both hands, he closed his ears against Buffy’s screams as he plunged it into
his heart.
Pain
filled him more intensely than he could have imagined. He felt his heart
shudder around the wood, saw his blood spill from his chest as the light from
the seal disappeared and the world around him grew distant and grey until it
disappeared.
‘Looking out your window at the dawn
baby when you wake up I'll be gone
You're the one who taught me after all
****************************************
Angel and Faith guided Buffy back to the Crawford Street mansion after Spike’s funeral.
The old stone house was one of the few places to remain standing and even somewhat habitable.
Guiding the blonde Slayer to a bedroom, Angel gently laid her on the bed as Faith removed Buffy’s shoes and covered her with the blanket from the foot of the bed.
Buffy’s sightless eyes still stared unblinking at the ceiling as vampire and Slayer left the room.
“How is she?” Willow asked the brunette pair as they came down the stairs.
“No different. It’s like she’s not even there.” Angel had no idea what to do. Buffy didn’t respond to any of them.
“It had to be a shock, Angel. To finally admit that she, ah, loved Spike, only to have him die in front of her as a human instead of a vampire. She went through losing you more than once, her mom… she’s lost so much…” Willow hurt deep inside for her friend, understanding something of how Buffy felt. She’d been just as lost after Tara died.
“We just have to give her time. It’ll take her a while to get better.”
Angel didn’t feel the conviction of his words, but said them anyway as the three survivors went to tend to the rest of the wounded.
‘Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
********************************
Moonlight slipped though the window, dappling the room with black and silver slivers. Buffy crept silently from the bed, slipping on her shoes and jacket before leaving the room. She knew where she was going, knew if she woke any one they’d stop her, but she had to go.
The earth was raw and stark over his grave.
Buffy wrapped her arms around the simple headstone Angel had gotten for him. She rested her cheek against the cool marble.
“I didn’t think you were comin’, love.”
“I had to wait for them to fall asleep. They’d have stopped me from coming to you. I’ll always come to you, Spike.”
“I know, love. Are you ready?”
“Yes. I’ve missed you so much…”
“It’s only been three days, Buffy.”
“It was a long three days.”
She reached to take his hand, turning away into the night.
‘You're the one who taught me after all
***********************************
“Angel! It’s Buffy!” Willow banged on the door of Angel’s room.
The door opened suddenly, Angel standing there in just his pants, eyes blinking against the sudden light of the hallway. Across the corridor, Faith exploded through her door.
“I told you we had to watch her! How long has she been gone, Will?”
“I don’t know. I think she left during the night. I tried a locator spell but couldn’t find her anywhere.”
“What’s the radius on the spell?” Angel asked the redheaded witch.
“Fifty miles, give or take.”
“I’ll check everything I can from the sewers while it’s still light. You two check outside. Start with the cemetery.”
‘This vessel is haunted, it creaks and moans.
My bones call to you, in their separate skin,
I make myself translucent, to let you in.
For I am wanting,
And I am needing you here,
Inside the absence of fear’
**********************************
“This is all we could find, Angel. She had this scarf in the pocket of her jacket. It was next to his grave.”
“Was the grave… Did he… I mean…”
“No, Angel. It wasn’t disturbed. He didn’t rise as a vampire again. There was no sign of her except footprints at the edge of his grave next to the headstone. But a little further away, where the dirt had been piled, while… There were two sets of prints. Small ones like hers and then larger ones…” Faith looked as disturbed as Willow.
Angel sighed.
“I don’t know. I know I’ve seen some really strange things the last few years and I know that nothing is what you’d expect with Buffy or with Spike. I know it doesn’t make any sense at all but wherever she is, I think he’s with her. They said they’d love each other forever.”
‘forever may not be long enough for my love I have a will
but I’m lost inside your time if you could,
would you come with me to the other side?
forever may not be long
enough forever may not be long enough’
Gillian Silverlight 04/07/03