Title: When You Are Alone

Author: Gillian Silverlight

Spoilers: After "The Crush"

Distribution: My website, those that already have permission to post my fiction, all others just ask.

Rating: G

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss and the WB. I just borrow them to make them and me much happier.

Summary: Challenge fiction; to include Dawn defending Spike, someone being jealous, Joyce comforting Spike with Hot chocolate and marshmallows, a reference to strip monopoly, and to use the sentence "It's a vicious cycle with you. You try so hard to push away anyone who loves you that you don't realize how much you need them until they're gone."

When You Are Alone

SLAM!

Buffy jumped, as the door to her room was slammed open so hard it hit the wall. Dawn walked in and slammed the door shut again.

"WHAT do you think you are doing?" Buffy yelled at her 'sister'.

"ME!? WHAT do you think YOU are doing?!" Dawn yelled right back at Buffy.

"You treated Spike like he was nothing at all! "

Buffy opened her mouth...

"NO! I get to have my say first this time!

That was horrible, what you did to him. He loves you. Maybe you don't love him but that's no reason to treat him that way!"

"Dawn, he's a killer...."

"Don't even..! You spent three years with Angel. He's also a vampire; he's also a killer. Don't even use that for an excuse!" Dawn was more than just angry at Buffy. She was furious, so much so that she radiated a pale green glow from her very pores.

"Angel has a soul..." Buffy started to defend her ex-lover.

"Right. And that's why he terrorized you and all your friends, that's why he killed Giles' girlfriend and put her in Giles' bed to find, that's why Angel tortured Giles. I'll bet that's even the reason he was gonna sent the world to hell with that damned demon Acathla."

"DAWN! Don't cuss!"

"Don't change the subject either! I may look 14. I may only have been here for 6 months, but somewhere in here, I've been around for hundreds of years. I am not stupid! And if Rhett Butler can say that one word, so can I.

Angel lost his soul and was immediately a vicious demon who killed and terrorized. Spike has been trying hard to show you he's changed. But he doesn't know how to be 'human' any better than I do. He has to learn.

Maybe you should too." Dawn said more quietly than anything else she'd said in the last few minutes.

"W-what?" Buffy was shocked, almost speechless at Dawn's tirade at her, at the truth of the things she said about Angel's actions. Then accusing Buffy of needing to learn to be human too?

"You heard me. I don't think I stuttered at all." Dawn told Buffy in that hard voice.

"Here I've been human for all of 6 months and I have more feelings about what Spike has done than you do. I'll at least admit my feelings. Where did you take me and Mom when you thought we needed protection? To Spike! Who watches your back even if you don't want him there? Spike. Who has never terrorized you or your friends or family? Spike. Yeah, he said he'd kill you before but you've always told him the same thing."

"Dawn, he's a soul-less vampire. He kills."

"Except since he got 'chipped'. But he never tried to torture any of you. And he looks out for me too. You were cruel to him. Even I could see the hurt on his face when he couldn't come in.

He really loves you, Buffy."

"Are you jealous, Dawn?"

"Yeah, I am. But not why you think. If I were to stay human and grow up, I'd give a lot to have someone look at me like Spike looks at you."

"Dawn, Spike is a killer, he's a demon, he has no soul. He tried to kill my friends and me."

"Ok, he tried. But that was before. Angel DID kill your friend and torture your watcher. He's also a demon, he can lose his soul. What about Anya? She's a demon in a human form now. Does she have a soul? She loves Xander. So Spike doesn't have a soul like Angel. He's chipped. I don't see a difference. And even without a soul, he loved Druscilla for 100 years. You told me, he told me. He CAN love."

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Buffy's thoughts were about to whirl out of control at Dawn's words.

*She's right. Spike never tortured, he was always right up front about trying to kill someone. Angel tortured when he was Angelus. He killed Jenny. And Anya... does she have a soul? She was a demon. She does love Xander. Oh, god! *

Dawn saw the emotions and confusion from her words in Buffy’s face.

"Good. Think about that for a while. Think about what happens if Glory comes back and any of us need help. Suppose Spike is stuck just outside your barrier and can't help? Oh, and maybe you should wonder why he can make you so angry..... You say I make you angry because you love me."

With that parting shot, Dawn opened the door to Buffy's room quietly and left, closing the door behind her without a sound.

Buffy sat on her bed in turmoil,

* No. She can't be right. There can't be anything there. I hate Spike. Then why did I take Dawn and Mom to him to protect? Why haven't I staked him? Why was it only now that I took away his invitation in? *

Thoughts in turmoil, chasing through her head, echoing Dawn's words over and over, mixed with Spike's words, Spike's face....

* I have to get out of here. I need to talk to someone. *

Buffy headed out of her room and down the stairs.

"Mom, I'm going to go to Willow and Tara's for a bit."

"Are you ok, Buffy? I heard you and Dawn yelling at each other?"

"Mom.... I don't know. She said things... things that made sense, but they can't make sense...I gotta go." Buffy practically bolted for the door.

Once she was outside in the cool night air. Buffy stopped to take deep breaths, trying desperately to calm herself. She was shaking. Not from cold, but from the emotions threatening to overwhelm her, push her under, drown her.

* NO! NO, I can do this! I can keep control! *

Buffy tightened her hands into themselves so tight that her nails cut small crescent shaped wounds in her hands. She headed toward Willow and Tara's place. As she walked she started walking faster until finally she was running. Running down the street, trying to leave her thoughts behind, but they kept pace with her.

She knocked on Willow's door and almost fell inside when it was opened.

"Buffy! Are you ok? What's wrong?" Her best friend asked her, a bit frightened at Buffy's appearance. She looked pale, dishelved, so un-Buffy like..

"Will, it's Dawn. She came into my room and she said..... She was so angry.. She was glowing this weird green color.. She said... I can't think..." Buffy cried out, a sobbing moan, as she collapsed into the arms of her friend.

Willow murmured comforting sounds at the crying slayer, looking over her head to Tara. Tara came up behind Buffy putting her arms around Buffy too, trying to calm her, taking part of the burden from Willow.

"Buffy, come sit down. Then tell us slowly what is wrong, ok?" Willow urged Buffy to the couch by leading her toward it.

Tara went to get Buffy a glass of water and a box of Kleenex then sat down on the other side of where Willow was aiming Buffy. Buffy finally sat down, still sniffling. Tara handed her the Kleenex and the water.

"T-thanks Tara, Will."

"Ok.. Tell us what's wrong. What did Dawn say, Buffy?" The redheaded witch asked her.

"She slammed the door open to my room and came in yelling at me about Spike and Angel. She was so angry, Will. She started glowing! It was so weird..."

Buffy told them everything that Dawn had said to her about Angel, Spike, Glory, everything.

"Buffy, you know you're my best friend and I care about you. I don't want you to get hurt like you did with Angel. But you know, Dawn has some good points in all that. In fact, she's right about most of it." Buffy looked at Willow with shocked disbelief on her face.

"I'm sorry Buffy, but it's true."

Buffy just looked at Willow. He emotions were threatening to pull her back under again. She had to struggle to stay above them, to keep the tears back.

"I know." She whispered.

"Buffy.." Tara put her hand on the blonde's back. "Dawn may be your sister, but she's also something much more than human. We've seen her tap into.. something... recently since she learned about herself. Maybe she knows some things we don't."

"I know. I thought about that. Will, Tara... what she said about Angel.. it was all true. And about Spike.. I do turn to him a lot. He never did any of the things Angelus did. Dawn was right, Spike may be a demon, a vampire, but he's been honest in a lying kinda way. We've trusted him in an I-can't-trust-you kinda way. Does that make any sense?"

"Well, kinda?" Willow looked puzzled trying really hard to understand what Buffy was actually talking about.

"Then I should be scared, cause I didn't understand it and I said it..."

"I understood you. You could recognize Spike as what he was before and knew what to expect from him. Angel, when he was evil, was not predictable. Spike could be trusted like a snake can, but only because you know it's a snake and will bite you if you let it. Now he's different and it's confusing." Tara explained her thoughts on what Buffy had tried to say to them.

"Yeah, what you said." Buffy was relieved that Tara had understood and could explain to her what she was trying to tell her two friends

"Was Dawn right? What about Anya? Now that she's in a human body, does that automatically give her a soul? I mean, Spike and Angel look human too. But only one of them has a soul. Only one of them killed Jenny and tortured Giles and scared us all after I made him lose his soul. Spike has never been that way even without a soul." Buffy's eyes looked haunted all the way to her own soul.

"Buffy... You've been through a lot recently. You're upset and confused and lonely. Everything has just kept coming at you." Willow tried to sooth Buffy, calming her, offering some reason for how Buffy felt.

"Buffy, I think you should talk to Spike. Calmly, without yelling at him. And see what he has to say. Ask him questions about all of this. Try to understand what's happening. He has been helping us and especially you for a year now. Yeah, he's chipped, but that doesn't mean he had to help any of us. I think he at least deserves to be heard." Tara offered her opinion on the situation. She couldn't help but feel some sympathy for Spike. After all, it hadn't been that long ago she thought she was a demon because of her family.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I should at least listen to him without getting all wigged out. OK. Thanks guys.. I'm gonna go home now and try to sleep if I can get my head to shut up... brain hurts! Too much thinking." Buffy tried to joke with her friends but somehow the jokes just weren't there.

Willow and Tara walked Buffy to the door, wishing her good luck and goodnight. As they closed the door they just looked at each other knowing that Buffy was in for a rough time.

*************************************

Buffy slowly walked back home. She'd go talk to Spike tomorrow night. She had to rest some tonight.

Buffy went in the front door, putting her coat on the couch as she headed to the kitchen where she heard voices. As she walked in, she saw Spike. Sitting at the counter talking to her mom, both of them sipping hot chocolate. Spike's was heaped with little marshmallows like always.

"... and they decided to play strip monopoly."

"Monopoly? I have heard of strip poker but not monopoly." Joyce said looking puzzled at Spike's comment. Buffy had only heard the end of the story Spike was telling her mother.

"Mom?" Buffy put her puzzlement in the question. Why was Spike in the house? She'd just sealed him out earlier. Did her mother invite him back in?

Just then, Dawn came back into the kitchen from the other side. Going to Spike and hugging him!

"Night, Spike. Thanks."

"G'night, Nibblet. Hurry off to bed now." He reached over and ruffled Dawn's hair and she giggled before she turned and went back out of the room. He looked like he really cared about Dawn!

"Oh, Buffy... I made Spike some chocolate." Joyce told her eldest daughter, seeing her standing there.

"Excuse me just a minute, Spike. Let me speak to Buffy."

Joyce took Buffy's arm and led her back into the living room.

"Mom, what's he.."? Buffy whispered fiercely to her mother.

"Buffy, Dawn went out after you left. Spike brought her back. She asked him in and I found him in the kitchen crying. He was very upset. I don't know what you said to him, but you need to go talk to him and settle this. I may not want you involved with a vampire after all that with Angel, but that's no reason to hurt Spike."

"Mom...." Buffy wailed softly.

"Now, Buffy Anne Summers!" Joyce kissed Buffy's cheek. "I'm going to say goodnight to Spike and go to bed. You talk to him!"

Buffy just stared at her mother as she went back to the kitchen. Buffy followed feeling very dejected. Her mom had gone over to Spike and hugged him!

"Finish your chocolate, Spike. Then you and Buffy talk this out, ok? You know where things are if you want more chocolate, just help yourself."

"Thank you Joyce. I-I appreciate what you've done."

"Nonsense, Spike. You took good care of Dawn tonight and both of us when Buffy had us hide with you from Glory.

Night, Spike."

"G'night, Joyce."

***************************************

"Buffy.." Spike just said her name and nothing more. His voice sounded so full of sorrow she could almost touch the pain.

"Spike, Is there more chocolate?"

"Yeah." He got up and grabbed a cup from the cabinet, pouring hot chocolate into the cup from the small saucepan on the stove. He handed it to Buffy without a word and went back to the stool he'd been sitting on previously. He sat playing with his cup, turning it around, poking the marshmallows with his finger, anything to keep from looking at Buffy.

"Spike...I'm sorry for being so wiggy and nasty earlier. I-I..." She took a deep breath.

"Can we talk about this without yelling at each other?"

Buffy had no idea what she was going to say, but she did promise her mother she'd talk to him. Tara and Willow both told her she needed to talk to him.

* What am I gonna do? * She moaned to herself.

"Yeah. We can talk about it. I'm not going to yell at you, Buffy.

And... I'm sorry about tying you up earlier. I just wanted to talk to you, to get you to listen to me. I didn't expect to see Dru here. I was afraid she'd hurt you. I don't love her anymore, but we have a long history between us. I would have staked her to prove to you how I feel and for what she did tonight." Buffy already knew about the two kids Dru had killed and then fed on.

"Bloody hell, Slayer, it upset me. I was afraid you'd blame it on me like always and I just didn't bleedin' want that!" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Then looked right into Buffy's eyes, pain swimming through the depths of the blue orbs, very softly he asked her, "What have you done to me, Buffy?"

"Spike.. I don't understand any of this. W-why do you love me? When did this happen? What do you want from me?" Buffy bit her bottom lip, trying not to cry and tremble in front of Spike.

Spike exhaled an un-needed breath, running his hands through his hair again, trying to stay calm. "I don't know. The very first time I ever saw you, I was impressed. I respected you. I was attracted to you. Yeah, I threatened you; but that's what vampires do. I just couldn't kill you anymore than you could kill me, it seems." Spike struggled on trying to explain what even he didn’t understand.

"When the poof turned back into Angelus, you were the only one I could turn to, to help me stop him. I didn't want to go to hell any more than you bleedin' did."

The slender blonde vampire couldn't stand it any longer and almost jumped from the stool, pacing back and forth as he spoke to the woman he loved and despaired of every even being friends with.

"When I left with Dru... she was really brassed off at me for helping you get rid of Angelus. She got weird.."

"Spike, you know Dru has always been weird." Buffy hid a small smile.

"Naw, she's always been insane. Angelus wouldn't be happy until he'd made her insane before he turned her. But I still loved her. It wasn't the same after she'd dumped me for Angelus, but I thought we could go back, start again. I was the one that was bloody nuts!"

He reached for his cup to take a drink of the still warm chocolate. It was a comfort food for him, as much as any food could ever be comfort for a vampire.

"But it wasn't the same. Never again. I tried though. Until I caught her with that bloody chaos demon!" He ran his hand through his hair again to ease the frustration building up inside of him.

"I came back here... I don't know why except I blamed you for her loss. You shagged Angel and he did all that soul-losing and was Angelus again. He took Dru from me. Then Dru kept telling me I was 'full of the slayer'."

"What did she mean that you were full of me?" Buffy asked very quietly. She was afraid she was going to hear something she really didn't think she'd like.

"I thought about you all the time. I dreamed about you. The dreams kept getting worse."

"What kind of dreams, Spike."

He groaned, "Don't ask me that, Slayer. Don't bleedin' make me tell you."

"I think I need to know. I think I should know."

"Alright then! You bloody well asked for it! I dreamed about kissing you, shagging you. Every time I closed my eyes you were there! Then I told you in one that I loved you. Bloody well 'bout made me crazy. ME! The Big Bad. William the Bloody, slayer of 2 Slayers in love with a Slayer"

He turned to glare at her hard.

"In love with you!"

He paced a bit more frantically.

* Like he’s trying to out distance his thoughts like I tried earlier. * Buffy realized as she watched him. She reached a hand tenitively to touch his arm.

"Spike, sit down. You're gonna wear a hole in the floor."

He stared down at her hand touching his arm, afraid to move from her touch, afraid to stay. He knew if he stayed with her touching him, he'd grab her and kiss her like he'd dreamed of so often. He moved to sit again.

"So that was what you were doing in the alley, you tried to kiss me?"

"Yeah. You were so close and I wanted to just touch you."

"And all the times I found you here in the house...." Buffy let her words trail off. Question not voiced, but asked.

"I could be closer to you here. I kept hoping you'd notice me for something more than a punching bag. 'Course, Capt'in Cardboard found me here one day. I had one bloody hell of a time explaining that! Don't think he believed me though...."

There was something in his words that caught Buffy's attention, something he wasn't saying.

"Why, Spike? Why don't you think he believed you?"

* Other than you're a vampire, a killer, you lie all the time.... *

"He showed up the day before he left. Broke into my crypt, he did! Bloody wanker! Shoved me against the wall and staked me in the heart with a plastic stake! It bleedin' hurt, it did!

Told me to stay away from you. Then sat and talked a bit while he drank my booze."

"He did what! Was this before or after you told me about him...ah, you know."

"It was after I told you about him and the vamp whores."

"So what did the two of you talk about?"

God, she'd had no idea! That Riley did that to Spike, knowing Spike couldn't defend himself because Riley was human.

* How could he! *

"He asked me did I think I had a chance with you, if I could make you happy. I told him no, but that a bloke had to try." Spike looked at the blonde across from him, his emotions in his eyes.

"I have been trying, Buffy. I don't know what you want me to do, but I've been trying to show you that I've changed, that I can change. I may be a demon, but like Dru told you, we can love. We do love." He looked away from her face, knowing she’d not like what he had to say next.

"It's like a vicious cycle with you. You try so hard to push away anyone who loves you that you don't realize how much you need them until they're gone. I see it in you. I know because I do the same thing. We're both afraid to be hurt. But I took the chance with you."

He looked her deep in those beautiful hazel eyes again. "I'd do anything for you, Buffy, if you'd just give me a chance. Let me show you I love you. Let me show you I can be good."

Spike bowed his head and looked at the counter top. Buffy saw a reddish tinged drop of liquid fall to the counter.

* Oh my god! Spike is crying! What do I do? Why me? *

Buffy got slowly up from her seat and walked around the counter. She reached out slowly, like she expected to get burned, and put her hand on Spike's shoulder.

* Just like he did me when I was so upset about Mom. When I was sitting on the back steps. *

Amazement went through her as she stood there. The similarities rushed over her, threatening to overwhelm her again.

"Spike, I don't love you. I'm sorry."

She felt him tense under her hand as she struggled to get the words out.

"But you were right. There IS something there. I don't know what it is. I do know I turn to you more than I realized. I know I fight with you to keep from feeling anything but anger. Anger is safe. It keeps the pain away. It keeps me safe. Safe from myself, safe from Angel, safe from Riley, safe from you."

He turned toward her causing her hand to fall away. He reached out and picked up her hand, expecting to be hit any second.

"All I'm asking is for a chance. Just a crumb from you, Buffy. I know you've been hurt. I know I don't know how to be what you want. I can't be Angel, I'm just me. I don't want to be a replacement. But if you'll give me a chance.... Let me prove to you..... Maybe one day, you'll find something in your heart for me. Other than the urge to kill me, which you haven't done yet although you could have."

Spike tried to chuckled at the last comment. He wanted to break the tension. It was killing both of them..

"I'll try, Spike. I'll try. I can't promise you anything else."

"Fair enough, luv." Spike took a deep un-needed breath and decided to take the next jump.

"Buffy, will you go to the Bronze with me tomorrow night? Will you go dance with me?"

"Are you asking me for a date, Spike?" She smiled inside at his shyness, remembering his earlier attempt to con her into a 'date'.

"Yeah. Please?"

"Ok. I'll go to the Bronze with you tomorrow night. PROVIDED...."

"Anything, Buffy."

"Ok, as long as the world isn't coming to an end tomorrow night. And no hands where they shouldn't be."

"No problem, luv. I can be a gentleman. I'm decades out of practice, but I can do it."

"Want me to meet you there tomorrow night?"

" No. I'll come pick you up. About 8?"

"Ok."

Spike got up and drained his now cold chocolate, and headed out the door. Buffy just stared at the door.

* What have I agreed to do? A date with Spike? Aaaaagggghh! I must be out of MY mind now. *

*************************************

The next night, right before 8, Spike pulled into Buffy's driveway. He knocked at the door, just like the gentleman he said he could be.

Buffy had had a hard time explaining to her friends why she was going on a date with Spike. Dawn had just looked at her with a sly knowing look. Her mother told Buffy how proud she was that Buffy was going to at least be nice to Spike.

As Buffy left, Spike took her arm and walked her to his car. He'd obviously spent time that day cleaning it. It was spotless inside and out, although the cigarette smell did linger over the air freshener he'd put in it. It was almost comforting in a way. The smell of his cigarettes and the leather of his duster in the back seat just said 'Spike'.

Once he'd parked the car, he hurried to open her door for her, taking her hand. When she was out of the car, he turned her hand loose and offered her his arm. She looked at him with a small sideways smile on her face.

* He's really going all out to impress me. *

It was sweet and scary at the same time. Buffy was worried she'd not be able to keep the indifference in place if he was going to be this nice all the time with her. She suspected they'd still wind up fighting at times though.

* W-what was that! Jeeze, don't GO there, Summers! *

They went into the Bronze and got a table. Spike went to get her a coke and himself a beer. They chatted just a bit, awkwardly and he asked her to dance. She agreed and as they approached the dance floor, a new song started.

Buffy took a deep breath and steeled herself to be in his arms. It was a slower song than had been playing when he has asked her to dance. Spike took her hand and put the other arm around her waist, leaving space between them.

* Still the gentleman. He's behaving at least. *

Buffy listened to the song, hearing the words like it was the first time. Without thinking about what she was doing, she drifted closer to Spike and slid her hand up his arm to his shoulder. They were dancing cheek to cheek, both of his arms around her waist, both of hers around his shoulders, the length of their bodies touching.

Both vampire and Slayer listened to the words of the song, letting them wash over each of them. Down inside of them, something started to change. It would take a while. They'd fight it. But something was different. She'd give him a real chance. He wasn't going to screw it up.

They danced to the song and went back to their seats. Talking was easier now. They laughed and Buffy had to admit, she was having a nice time. She was relaxed for the first time in a long time.

The song started once more before they got ready to leave the Bronze for the night.

Buffy and Spike just looked at each other and got up without a word to dance to the song again before they left.

' there your are

in a darkened room

and you're all alone

looking out the window

your heart is cold

and lost the will to love

like a broken arrow

here I stand in the shadows

come to me

come to me

can't you see that

nobody wants to be lonely

nobody wants to cry

my body's longing to hold you

so bad it hurts inside

time is precious and it's

slipping away

and I've been waitin' for you all of my life

nobody wants to be lonely

so why

why don't you let me love you

can you hear my voice

do you hear my song

so your heart can find me

and suddenly you're

flying down the stairs

into my arms, baby

before I start going crazy

run to me

run to me

cause I'm dyin'

nobody wants to be lonely

nobody wants to cry

my body's longing to hold you

so bad it hurts inside

time is precious and it's

slipping away

and I've been waitin' for you all of my life

nobody wants to be lonely

so why

why don't you let me love you

I wanna feel you need me

just like the air you're breathin'

I need you here in my life

don't walk away

don't walk away

don't walk away

don't walk away, no

nobody wants to be lonely

nobody wants to cry

nobody wants to be lonely

nobody wants to cry

my body's longing to hold you

so bad it hurts inside

time is precious and it's

slipping away

and I've been waitin' for you all of my life

nobody wants to be lonely

so why

why don't you let me love you'

Spike took Buffy back to the car. They headed back toward her house where he walked her to the door. Neither had said a word since the last dance. They were simply being together.

"Thank you, Buffy for going out with me. Thank you for giving me a chance."

"Thank you for asking me out, Spike. You were very much a gentleman.

Call me tomorrow?" She asked him shyly.

"Yeah, luv, if you want me to..."

"Yeah, I'd like that, Spike."

He leaned toward her slowly, so she could move away if she wanted. She stayed perfectly still.

Spike brushed his cool lips over her warm ones.

"Goodnight, luv."

He turned around and walked back to his car. She stood and watched as he backed down the drive and drove away. She reached up to touch her lips with her fingers wondering...

* Yeah, giving him a chance was a good idea after all. *

End.

Gillian Silverlight 2/16/01