Your Ghost
Disclaimer: I do not own them, they belong to Joss
Whedon and Mutant Enemy, etc. etc. etc.
Author’s
note: Not much on spoilers, except the
end of Season 5. I always wondered how
Spike reacted to Buffy’s death. So
here’s my version…
1981-2001
Beloved Sister
Devoted Friend
She Saved the
World
A lot
There’s a letter on the desktop
I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
He stands over the grave, a haze of smoke from the cigarette in his hand floating around him. Tears run down his face as he reads the headstone. He remembers everything. From their first meeting outside The Bronze, to the last night he saw her alive. He sinks to his knees, reaching out a pale hand to trace the letters carved there. ‘I’m so sorry… I should have tried more, fought harder, done…something to save the girl. Then you wouldn’t have had to…’
And the Mississippi’s mighty
But it starts in Minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess that’s how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
He rests his forehead against her name as he rips himself apart mentally. Painful memories flit like bats across his mind. Her smile, her confidence, her strength… her amazing strength. Always stronger than him. Always. In every way. Sobbing now, he curls up against the marker. ‘Every night I dream about it, slayer. How I would be the conquering hero. Save the girl, save you. Every bloody night I save you. But I wake up and you’re still gone.’
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
I’m in love with your ghost
I’m in love with your ghost
‘Is it cold where you are? It’s cold here… without you. Every night I walk around, still expecting to see you. Angry at me for some reason. You were always angry with me. I usually deserved it, too. I miss you being angry with me. I miss you being. I see you in my dreams… sometimes, I see you when I’m awake. You’re still in me. Like a knife in my heart, that I can’t pull out. Don’t wanna pull it out. The pain is my burden for not being enough of a man. Too much monster, not enough man. In the end, that’s all I was.’
That gets whispered in a rush
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper
He turns and rests his back against the headstone, digging his fingers into the dirt beneath him. ‘All those years ago, even in my hate, I loved you. Didn’t know it then. Didn’t know who you were… or who I could be. You made me better. Or at least as close to better as an evil dead thing could be. When you were scared, I wanted to fight away all your fears. When you were sad, I wanted to take away all your tears. I would have taken all of it from you. All the weariness and pain. But I couldn’t. They were yours to bear. I see your face when your mum was sick, and I want to bring her back for you. Fix everything better.’
I’d walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
I’ve never been this close
I’m in love with your ghost
He turns over, digging into the ground with his hands. Tossing aside clumps of dirt he roars, as his face becomes the demon. ‘NO! You have to be here. With me…with us. It’s not right you being gone. We need you… the world needs you. I… we… none of us can do this alone.’ He crumples to the ground, the face melting into that of the man again. ‘Buffy… please…’ He buries his face in his hands, dirt mingling with tears to leave muddy tracks on his pale skin.
Pierce my spirit
But I can’t touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh, I’m forever under lock and key
As you pass through me
To the west the moon is fading. He rolls onto his back, looking at the stars above him. ‘Are you up there? My mum used to say special souls became stars when they died. I figure you must be the brightest one in the heavens. That’s the first thing I do every night. Look for you up there. I can’t tell though, which one is you. Doesn’t matter anyhow. You could be all the stars in Heaven, and it still wouldn’t be enough. What good are stars, when you can’t hold ‘em? They’re just dead light. Not like you… your light, its still here, inside. It’s like a spark inside my chest. Like a soul… you were my soul. The only bright thing in my miserable life.’
I would launch a thousand ships
Bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles
With you always at my heels
He gets to his knees; pushing the dirt he’d torn up back into place. ‘Sun’ll be up soon. I thought about staying, you know. Saying bugger it, and ending it all. But then I heard you calling me a coward and I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to be something you’d despise, even if I already am. Plus, I made a promise to you and I’m gonna keep it. I’ll protect her, keep her safe. It’s the only thing I can do. She misses you…I miss you. I’ll make sure she grows into a woman you’d be proud of. A woman like you. She’s all I have left of you. Sometimes she’ll look at me a certain way, and she’ll look so much like you it hurts. She lets me hold her, comfort her, wipe away her tears. I do it for her, because I couldn’t for you. I see in her everything that was perfect about you and I can’t help but wish… wish you were here to see it, too.’
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me
I can’t swim free
The river is too deep
Though I’m baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost
He looks up; the sun is beginning to rise, the sky becoming pink with the promise of a new day. ‘I love you, Buffy. I always will…’ He presses a kiss to his dirty fingers and places them on her headstone. ‘Til the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.’
In love with your ghost
In love with your ghost
“Ghost”
Lyrics by Emily Saliers
The Indigo Girls
Copyright 1994 BMI Virgin Music, Inc.