TITLE: Afterthoughts - The Gift

AUTHOR: Goddess Isa

EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com

SUMMARY: Now that Buffy is dead, her friends struggle to carry on and tell

everyone else what's happened

SPOILER: THE GIFT! If you didn't see it, don't read this. Of course,

My summary probably spoiled it for you but whatever :)

RATING: TV-PG

DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com - Fanfiction.net under

Goddess Isa - Anyone else, just email me. The Afterthoughts Series may

Close after this - I haven't decided yet if it's going to continue on to UPN

because, after all, things are changing.

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all. I, like, don't. The WB, for the very last

time, also owns this episode. It's so sad. I can barely handle it.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have never felt more emotionally drained in my life. I

knew that Buffy was going to die, and still, the impact, the emotions I'm

feeling....I'm a mess. Enjoy the fic. Send feedback. All that good

stuff.

DEDICATION: For the memories of childhood and friendship and everything in

between - all I thought of was the Cuddies.......I'm so glad to have you

back in my life, Krash.

5/23/01

Afterthoughts

The Scooby Gang entered Buffy and Dawn's house as though they were

staring at a firing squad. No one was surprised when Spike entered without

an invitation. After all, Buffy was dead now. The invite wouldn't have

mattered.

"I'm gonna go sit in my new chair," Dawn said quietly and went into the

living room.

"I'll sit with her," Anya volunteered.

"Me too," Tara said. She glanced at her clothes and whispered to Anya,

"Have I been wearing this same thing for weeks?"

"Yes, and it smells not so good," Anya whispered back.

"I just can't believe it," Xander went to sit on the bench that had once

been by the door, and slid to the ground. "I keep forgetting that Buffy

redecorated after--"

"It was a way of dealing, I guess," Willow said.

"Poor Dawn," Xander said. "I don't know what she's gonna do without--"

"I'm going to take her," Giles spoke up.

"Way to go," Spike said, sniffling. He and Dawn were the only Scoobies

still crying.

"You are?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Her father certainly doesn't want her," Giles snarled. "I doubt he'll even bat an eye when I call and tell him that--"

"Oh my GOD!" Willow shouted. "Angel!"

"Oh dear," Giles said. "He'll be beyond consolation, I am quite sure."

"I'll tell him," Willow said. "I want to. I need to get out of here for

awhile and I think....it should be me."

"I completely agree," Spike said.

"Who asked you?" Xander snarled. Then he frowned. "Sorry," he muttered.

"We're going to have to pull together now," Giles threw hard looks at

both Xander and Spike. "Bu....she left us in charge of the girls," Giles

was unable to say Buffy's name. He doubted he'd ever say it again. "And we

are going to work together from this moment on to protect them."

Xander nodded, while Spike wrapped his arms around Giles and gave him a

tight hug.

"I know we were never friends, but I gotta thank you for that."

"Not necessary," Giles quickly pulled away. "It would be what B.....what

she wanted."

"Tara," Willow walked into the living room. Tara was standing next to

Dawn at the fireplace, watching the teenager stare at a photo of Buffy and

Joyce taken after she came home from the hospital. "Can I borrow your car?

I need to drive to LA. Talk to Angel."

"Of course," she handed over the keys immediately.

"I wanna go with you," Dawn spoke up.

"Dawnie, no," Willow wrapped an arm around her and smoothed her hair.

"Stay here. With Giles."

"I can't," Dawn whispered. "I can't be here...I can't be anywhere she was. This house....all the pictures," she turned away from them and looked

Willow in the eye.

"Buffy said that," Dawn stopped to sniffle, "She said that Angel moved to

a new hotel not too long ago. She-she never got to visit him there. I'll

feel safe with him."

"I don't think this is the--"

"Let her go," Spike cut Giles off. "If she wants to go, let her go."

Giles studied the vampire for a minute, then nodded. "All right, Dawn.

You may go with Willow."

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Tara," Giles said, "Why don't you go along, too? I hate the idea of

three young women traveling the city late at night less than I hate the idea

of two."

"I'll take them," Spike spoke up. He rubbed his eyes and cleared his

throat. "I can protect 'em. It's my job now, anyway."

Giles didn't argue. He simply hugged the girls, Dawn not too tightly

since her wounds were still burning-she'd refused to go to a doctor and

had let Giles bandage her up--and watched them go.

"They'll never come back," Tara said when she'd closed the door behind

them. "They'll never come back."

"Don't say that," Xander said. "I can't lose another person that I

love."

"I don't know how Dawn's still walking," Giles sat down in leather

chair, Joyce's chair, and could swear he still smelled her perfume on the

neck rest. "I don't think I would be."

"You're not," Anya observed.

"I don't even know where to go from here," Tara said. "I mean, we're

here in Buffy's house......without Buffy."

"It's Dawn's house now, I presume," Giles stated.

"There's a will," Xander said quietly and everyone looked at him.

"Buffy told me about it after Joyce died. It's uh....."

"Where?" Giles asked. He was slightly hurt that Buffy hadn't shared the

will directly with him, but knew she'd had her reasons. She always did.

"It's in her weapons chest. With the diaries she kept for Angel. I

should've had Willow take them with her."

"I'll see that he gets them," Giles said. "Perhaps we shouldn't read it

now. I'm too tired."

"I don't think I can wait," Xander spoke up.

"I was hoping you'd say that," Giles gave him a slight smile and they

headed upstairs, Spike bringing up the rear of the group. He didn't know

why he was coming along when it was obvious he wouldn't be mentioned--unless

Buffy wanted to leave him her favorite vial of Holy Water.

Xander entered Buffy's bedroom first, then Anya. Spike and Giles each

stayed in the doorway, not wanting to go in. Giles was sure he'd crack if

he did, and he didn't want to crack in front of the others. He was their

leader, their father, their Watcher, and he would *not* let them see him sob

unendingly over losing his most beloved daughter.

"Here it is," Xander pulled out a heavy envelope with his name written in

the center. Below it were the names Angel, Cordelia, Dawn, Giles, Spike and

Willow.

"Open it," Anya urged.

Xander did so, and more envelopes fell out. A letter-sized envelope

addressed to each of Buffy's friends, plus Dawn and Giles, and the will,

which was in a manila envelope with the words TO BE READ BY XANDER IN FRONT

OF EVERYONE written on it in Buffy's messy script.

"I can't read it," Xander showed them what it said. "This isn't

everyone."

"After the funeral then," Giles covered what Xander suspected was a

sniffle when he handed him his letter. "I'm going to be getting home.

You will tell me if you hear from Willow?"

Everyone nodded and followed Giles out. Xander locked the door behind

him and shrugged his shoulders. "This is like a great, big 'Now

What?'."

"I say we sleep," Tara yawned. "I'll talk to you guys in the morning."

"No way," Spike said. "I'm not letting any of you out of my sight at

this hour. I'll walk you home."

"You don't know where I live," Tara pointed out.

"Yes I do," Spike said knowingly. He glanced at Xander and Anya, then

said, "You may as well come too. Tara's place is on the way."

The four of them walked through the darkness in silence. It was nearly

five a.m. now. It would sunrise soon, and Spike would have to be protected

from the daylight. Xander wondered if Spike cared much anymore, but then he

saw the way Spike broke a branch off of a tree to avoid having it smack Tara

in the face, and he realized that Spike did.

He cared because of Buffy. He didn't want to let her down.

"This is me," Tara said. "I'll see you.....tomorrow?" she guessed.

"Yeah," Xander said. "We'll need to do some things. Make calls."

"Daffodils," Anya spoke up.

"What?" Xander gave her a strange look.

"For the....for Buffy. She liked daffodils."

"That's true," Tara said before closing the door to the dorm. "Good

night."

"I gotta ask you somethin'," Spike said as they headed out of the campus

and towards Xander's apartment. "You're not gonna like it and you got

every right to tell me to burn in the bloody sunshine but I gotta ask."

"You can crash on the couch, Spike," Xander said. "I'll close the

blinds."

"Thanks," the vampire muttered. They walked the rest of the way in

silence, because there were no more words to be spoken. All else would be

revealed when the time came.

When they were together again.

"Buffy." It was a statement. Angel knew what had happened. He knew the

minute he saw Willow sitting there, he just didn't wanna believe it.

He *couldn't* believe it.

"It was very....we hope there wasn't any pain," Willow said. "She

looked....peaceful when it--" she couldn't help being distracted by

Cordelia.

"What on Earth are you wearing?" she asked. Then Willow blushed in

Angel's direction and added, "Sorry. Distraction tactic."

"Buffy's dead?" Cordy whispered. Willow had never seen Cordelia cry

before. She was even more surprised when Cordelia walked over and hugged

her.

"I'm sorry, Willow," she said quietly. "I know Buffy was your best

friend."

Then she turned to Angel and fell sobbing against his chest.

"I think we should leave you alone," Wesley said, prying Cordelia off of

him. "We have no place here. I'm very sorry, Angel. You know where to

call if you need a friend."

Angel only nodded. He was in another place, his brain nearly exploding.

She couldn't be dead. Not Buffy. Not his sweet, precious, beautiful

Buffy.

"I should've been there," was the first thing Angel said when only he and

Willow remained in the hotel.

"No, Angel, no," Willow sat back down and Angel began pacing in front of

her. "You wouldn't have wanted to--"

"I could've saved her," he began speaking fast. "I could've done

something. I could've pushed her out of harm's way, I could've--"

"Angel, Buffy killed herself!" Willow shouted. When Angel glared at her,

she said, "Not like that, I mean....she died to save Dawn. To save us all."

Angel sat down next to Willow, his eyes staring at the ground. He played

with a frayed thread on his shirt and asked, "What happened?"

"I'm guessing you want the long version." she reached behind the couch

and retrieved a box of Kleenex.

"You always did come prepared."

"It was the big battle with Glory," Willow began.

"I knew it!" Angel stood and began pacing. He soon was walking the

entire grounds of the hotel's main floor, over and over, not listening to

anything Willow was saying.

"Angel?" she stopped him one time when he walked past her. "Since when

are you so peripatetic?"

The vampire stopped and stared at her. "Peripatetic?" he repeated.

"I'm taking an advanced vocab class. Listen, maybe I should just come

back in the morning. There's a hotel down the--"

"This is a hotel. You're staying here," Angel said flatly. "How's Dawn

handling this?"

"Why don't you ask me yourself?"

Angel whirled around and Dawn flew at him, throwing her arms around his

neck and sobbing into his chest. He held her close, his hand smoothing her

hair as they sobbed together over their tragic loss.

Neither of them noticed when Willow slipped upstairs to sleep.

*****

"I can't," Dawn pulled away, her voice hoarse. Hours had passed--she

wasn't sure how many--but the sunlight peeking through the blinds was

bright.

Angel let her free and she sat on the couch, wincing.

"Can I get you anything?" Angel asked. "You should probably eat. I have

Cheerios, and Cordy likes those marshmallow--"

"I don't want anything," Dawn said quietly. "I've done this before,

remember?"

Angel nodded. He couldn't imagine how Dawn was feeling right now. He

put his own pain aside for her and stared at her. "Is there anything you

want me to do? I mean, for the--"

"I can't think about that now," Dawn said quietly. "Do you wanna go for

a walk?"

Angel glanced towards the window.

"I mean here," she added quickly. "This place is huge."

"We should probably leave Willow a note," Angel suggested. "She won't

know where to find us."

"It's okay," Dawn headed towards the stairs. "Tell me something."

Angel followed her up the staircase, staying a stair or two behind her at

all times. "Anything."

"I wanna know what it was like. Dying."

"It wasn't the same for me. I was turned."

"No, I mean the other time. When she..."

"It hurt," Angel answered quickly. "It still would've been different for

her."

"Would it have?" Dawn stopped walking and looked at him. "You died to

save her. She died to save me. Sounds the same."

"It wasn't." Angel walked past Dawn and opened the door to the attic

staircase.

"I have to know something else," Dawn stared at the floor.

"What?"

"If you had been there...if there had been time....could you have turned

her, and still stopped the ritual?"

Angel thought about it. Willow and Giles hadn't told him enough about

the ritual before he left for Pylea for him to make a definite decision.

"I don't know," he finally told her. "I wish I did."

"I wish a lot of things." Dawn began walking up the attic stairs and

Angel followed, waiting for her to say something. When she didn't, he

said, "Buffy was right."

Dawn didn't stop moving. "About what?"

"You. Me. Us. The day of the Ascension, we were gathering weapons and

she looked me in the eye and shook her head. I asked what was up, and she

just said, 'You have no idea how much you remind me of my sister

sometimes. Two peas in a stubborn pod.' I didn't understand what she meant until now."

"Buffy wanted you to take care of me," Dawn said, kneeling on the attic

floor beside an old wooden chest. "What's in here?"

"Some of my journals."

"From your days as a vampire," Dawn said knowingly.

"Dawn," Angel said softly, "I still *am* a vampire."

"You know what I mean," she looked at him carefully. "Can I read one?"

"Absolutely not." he walked across the room and brought her a fireproof

safety deposit box.

"What's that?" she asked.

"These," he said, unlocking the combination, "Are letters from Buffy to

me. I thought maybe you'd wanna read them. But I want them back."

"I can't read those now," Dawn handed the box back to him. "Thanks. But

I can't. Maybe someday--"

"They're here when you're ready," Angel relocked the box and put it back

on its shelf. He was relived actually--he wasn't ready to look at them

yet, either. Seeing Buffy's handwriting, reading her babbling and details

about her life without him, her relationship with Fish Boy, he couldn't handle

it right now.

"We should go," Dawn said. "I should get Willow up."

When they knocked on the door of the bedroom Dawn had first cried in when

she and Willow had arrived at the hotel, they found the Witch asleep on the

bed, still wearing her shoes.

"She fell asleep crying," Dawn whispered. "I see it in her eyes. Will,"

she nudged her. "Willow, wake up."

"Dawn?" Willow sat up and rubbed her eyes. "I dozed off. I need to talk

to Angel..."

"It's okay," Angel said soothingly. "We'll talk later."

"Angel?" a familiar British voice called downstairs.

"Giles?" Willow asked, her eyes widening.

Dawn raced down the stairs and Angel followed, with Willow bringing up

the rear. Standing just inside Angel Investigations was the entire Scooby

Gang.

And Spike. His eyes were still rimmed with blood, and Angel realized

that he'd been crying. He suddenly hated his enemy a tiny bit less.

"What are you all doing here?" Willow asked, instantly looking to Giles

for answers.

"It's Buffy's will," Xander explained. "And these." he handed Dawn,

Willow and Angel each a letter. "There's one for Cordy, too."

"Where was this?" Dawn asked, staring at Buffy's familiar handwriting.

"In her weapons chest. It was with the will. She told me about it

before. Just in case...."

"She wanted it read in front of everyone," Giles explained. "I'm afraid

considering the circumstances we were a bit anxious."

"I understand. There's a boardroom through here. We'll use that,"

Angel led the way and the others followed.

"I'll call Cordelia," Xander volunteered. "She's a part of this, too."

"Willow, would you happen to know how to get in touch with Oz?" Giles

asked. "We found a letter for him as well. It was separate from the others,

loose in the chest as well as the ones for Anya and Tara."

"He's in Canada, I think," Willow sniffled and tried to think. "I could

try to write, but it'll take a while."

"I believe she would've liked him to be at the funeral," Giles said

gently.

"I'll do my best."

Ten minutes later, Cordy joined the others in the boardroom. Sniffling

and staring at the floor, they waited while Xander tore open the large

envelope.

He pulled out a stack of papers as well as a smaller manila envelope

addressed to Wesley.

"That's strange," Cordelia said.

"She put a lot of thought into this," Willow said. "It's strange."

"She knew," Angel said quietly. All eyes were on him, so he added, "She

knew she was going to die. She saw it coming, so she made the time to do

this."

No one said anything for awhile. Then, finally, Xander picked up the

will and began reading.

"I don't know how wills are written because I've never done one before.

I can't believe I'm doing one now at the distant age of twenty.

That's old for a Slayer though, isn't it Giles? I'm practically a geriatric by

Their standards.

"I'm going to make things simple for everyone. Giles, I want you to move

into my mother's house. The forms are here for you to take over the

mortgage, and I've got all the insurance handled, too. I think my mom's

lawyer thought I was planning a suicide or something with all the paperwork

I had him draw up.

"That house will be yours forever. Please don't think of it as invading

our space or something creepy like that. I loved that house. I want you to

have it because it should hold happy memories for you. And it will keep the

house in the hands of someone I trust to take care of it until Dawn's old

enough to take on the responsibility herself.

"As for Dawn, I'm leaving her custody up to you guys. Angel or Giles,

it's her decision. Whatever she chooses, you'll both have to live with

it.

All those forms are here, too. Angel, I had Willy make you a birth

certificate. Looks pretty good if you don't mind being forty-one

already."

Angel couldn't help smiling at that part. Buffy was always thinking of

everything.

"Giles, I need you to understand why I'm doing things this way," Xander

continued, "You, Dawn and Angel are the only family I have. I love you all

so much, and that's why I can see Dawn wanting to live with both of you.

Maybe it'll be like one of those joint-custody deals. I don't know. I

don't care, as long as she's happy. That's all I care about.

"That's all I ever cared about.

"I want to be buried in the cross Angel gave me the night we met, and the

Claddagh ring he gave me for my seventeenth birthday. Both are in the

nightstand by my bed. If you're reading this after my funeral, Spike,

Xander get ready to do some digging, because if I don't get what I want, my

Ghostly self will haunt you for eternity. And I snore."

Xander laughed. It felt completely wrong and completely right at the

same time. He wished he could just make all of this go away.

"Willow, Xander, Cordy, help watch over each other. The Scoobies are

divided forever now. I don't wanna meet any more of you up here for a

really, really long time, okay?

"I guess that's it. Read your letters. Take care of each other. I love

you all. Buffy Anne Summers. The luckiest Slayer in history."

Xander set the pile of papers down and sighed. "Wow."

"We really shoulda waited to do this," Cordy said. "I can't even think

right now, I know Dawn can't."

"No it's good," she said slowly. "It's good that I know."

"I need a nap," Willow announced.

The group split up, most of them taking rooms in the hotel. Angel went

to his apartment and everyone knew better than to disturb him. Cordelia

took Wesley's letter and headed for the small apartment he still kept on the

other side of town.

"Cordelia," he squinted when he opened the door wearing his fuzzy blue

bathrobe. "What are you doing here?"

"It's from Buffy," Cordy held out the letter. "I have one too. I

thought maybe we could....you know, open them together. I'm pretty

surprised she even wrote me at all. I always thought she hated me. She didn't even tell me goodbye when I left for LA."

"You left in the middle of the night without giving your friends so much

as a hint of a notice of your destination or your departure," Wesley pointed

out.

"Can I come in or not?" Cordy asked.

Wesley held the door open and Cordelia followed him. She settled on his

ratty couch while he took the beanbag chair, a $2 bargain at a garage sale

last month. Cordy took a deep breath and opened her letter.

Wesley studied her handwriting, the envelope size, and its weight before

opening it up.

"Ready?" Cordelia asked. "Set. Go."

*****

It wasn't until the next day, when everyone was headed back for Sunnydale

to prepare Buffy's funeral, that anyone saw Angel. He came out of his

room wearing the same clothes he'd had on since returning from Pylea and asked,

"Can I hitch a ride?"

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