TITLE: A Purpose

AUTHOR: Pandora aka InFury8ed aka Golden Spike

PART: (1/1)

DISCLAIMER: Joss and other people own all.

DISTRIBUTION: Those who already have my permission, feel free. Anyone

else, please let me know.

RATING: PG-13

SPOILERS: Anything up to and including "The Gift" is fair game.

FEEDBACK: Yes, please. <grin> I-Like-Spike@att.net

NOTES: Spike tells a story in the future about what happened to him

personally when the portal closed.

DEDICATION: To the entire One-Good-Day crew who keep a stash of Naked

Spikes handy. <grin>

A Purpose

The shaking stopped. The lightening stopped. It became suddenly quiet, as

if all sound 'ad been snuffed out in an instant, as if the heavens were

stunned into abject silence. I looked up from my position on the ground t'

see that the portal 'ad closed. *Good, Buffy saved the day. Buffy always

saves the day.* I thought in excitement and admiration for my golden girl.

I always called 'er 'mine' in my mind, it made me feel closer t' her. She'd

probably 'ave staked me if she knew 'ow I 'owned' her in my fantasies.

In those first few seconds of relief that the danger was past, it didn't

occur t' me that since the ritual 'ad already begun, the only way t' stop it

was when the blood stopped flowing. And I don't mean stopped by putting a

bandage over it, because that does not actually stop the blood from

flowing. It only stops it from flowing outside the body, but as long as the

body is alive, the blood will still flow. Therefore, the portals between

dimensions would remain open until the blood that opened them in the ritual

stopped flowing... COMPLETELY.

Gradually, I realized that since it'd started and was now stopped, that Dawn

must be dead. *Oh, my poor Buffy. I let you down. I didn't protect Dawn

as I promised I would. Oh god, 'ow is she going t' get through this?* My

thoughts were filled with grief for Buffy at that moment. For a short time,

I wondered 'ow Dawn 'ad died. Did Buffy decide that t' save the world, she

must kill 'er closest blood relative? No, there was no way that Buffy'd do

that. Dawn must've jumped 'erself. Little bit always 'ad a great deal of

courage and she'd do the right thing, just like 'er big sis. Those Summers'

women were so bloody wonderful. Makes me ill t' think of all the years I've

been on this earth and 'ow much damage I've done. My admiration for them

grew tenfold.

Slowly, as if coming out from behind a thick fog, it dawned on me that

Buffy'd not accept the obvious conclusion. She'd not allow her sister t'

die if there was anything she could do t' prevent it. I knew this. I knew

Buffy. I knew 'er better than anyone, but it never occurred t' me t' think

about another possibility. All the clues 'ad been there, but all of us,

myself included, 'ad ignored the facts. Not even 'er watcher 'ad figured

out that Buffy'd not allow someone else t' die if she could prevent it in

any way possible. I should've known she'd sacrifice 'erself t' save Dawn

and the world. I should've known. The wheels were turning in 'er head.

Death was 'er gift. Dawn was made from 'er. Their blood was the same.

Bloody hell! I SHOULD'VE known!

When I came t' the realization that there was only one way our Buffy would

respond, I feared t' look up. I didn't want t' see what I knew I'd see, but

I also knew I must. I picked myself up and moved slowly t' where the

Scoobies were gathering. Even though I knew 'n my heart what I'd find

there, the sight of 'er body nearly tore me apart. My knees gave out and I

fell t' the ground. I looked up t' see if it'd been a dream, a nightmare,

but it was not. I broke. I broke and the floodgates opened. I'd 'eard

that expression many times b'fore, but never really understood what it meant

till that moment. I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably. The tears

poured down my face.

My 'eart felt as though it was gripped in a vice, as though some giant hand

was squeezing it in an effort t' give its muscles a workout. If I'd needed

t' breathe, it would've taken too much effort. Pain far beyond anything I'd

imagined was pinnin' me t' the ground. I was unable t' move in my grief.

While sobbing there on the ground, images flashed through my mind. Images

of Buffy the first time I saw 'er, the times I tried t' kill 'er, the first

time we made a truce. Images of the time Red'd put that spell on us. I 'ad

secretly cherished those images, but I'd not 'ave admitted it t' anyone but

Buffy. Then I came t' the images of possibilities lost. All of the

possibilties that were lost when we lost 'er. Everything gone. Just gone.

I don't know 'ow long I was there sobbing wretchedly, it seemed an

eternity. The emotions flooded through me. The pain of loss, the agony,

the despair, and the knowledge that I'd failed her. I'd let 'er down and

now she was gone. My beautiful Buffy was gone. There was no light left in

the sky. I'd no reason to go on, no purpose in this bitter world. All that

was left for me was an eternity of agony and regret and I wasn't strong

enough t' bear that. I'd just about made up my mind t' walk directly into

the sunlight t' put myself out of my misery, when I felt a tentative touch

on my shoulder and then heard a soft voice behind me.

"Spike..." she said with a question in her voice, as if she blamed herself,

and I knew then that I still 'ad a purpose. I'd made a promise t' a lady

and I planned t' keep it.