Title: As Time Goes On
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: www.homestead.com/gilliansspikelair/ , others just ask.
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, I just play with them
Summary: Angel is really missing Buffy. ( Note, the time lines here are not exactly as they are in the actual BuffyVerse.)
Rating: G
Lyrics by: Savage Garden
Winner of the StarCrossed Lovers Award
As
Time Goes On
‘Here
I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's
been seven months and counting
I still feel exactly the same’
It seemed as if that day had been an eternity ago, and only yesterday. As hard as he tried to not think about his day being human, something would happen and there it all was again. It was such a small thing sometimes. A building, a street; he never knew what would trigger the memories and the pain next.
After that day had been erased, Angel had packed away all of the clothes he’d worn while he was human and held Buffy in his arms.
They still had her scent on them. He’d even packed up the sheets with the peanut butter still on them.
He supposed he was just hurting himself, but it wasn’t like he took the items out and looked at them all the time.
Only once in a while.
He tried so hard to move on, but he felt so overwhelmed.
In a way, he’d been glad that the offices had been bombed, glad he was here in the hotel now. At least he didn’t have the memories of the bed they had shared, or seeing his love in every room of his apartment.
The parts of it that did haunt him were more than enough.
‘It's
just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like
photographs and memories of love
Steel
and granite reminders
Angel still fought against the evil and wrongs in the City of Angels. But it wasn’t the same for him any more.
Wolfram and Hart had brought Darla back. He’d tried to save her, had done everything he could do including the ‘Trial’; only to have Dru waltz in and turn Darla again.
He’d gone after the law firm with a vengeance then. He’d had to get the others out of the way, but they didn’t understand.
He wasn’t quite sure he understood either.
It was like parts of Angelus had risen to the top in him. Parts that he wasn’t really very proud of… Yet, those parts had let him do things that he’d not have done a few months ago.
He thought that the day with Buffy, giving back his humanity, all of it was part of the reason he was darker now.
He still loved her though. He’d do anything for her.
* I gave up the one thing I’d wanted so badly. The one thing that let us be together the way we’d dreamed about and talked about. All those ‘what-ifs’ had finally come true for us and I gave them back to keep her alive. How much more do they want me to bear? *
Now, Buffy was doing what he had wanted her to do. At least he told her that was what he wanted. She was dating someone else. A normal human man.
So why did he want to rip that man apart?
‘Ever
since you've been gone
The
only difference is
You
call another name
To
your love
To
your lover now
The
lover after me’
~*~
So Angel lived at the hotel.
Wesley and Cordelia and Gunn were gone.
Oh, they were still around, he just didn’t see them everyday like he had before. They didn’t share his life with him everyday. No one did any longer.
Darla was gone. At least as a human.
Since Dru had turned Darla, now it was his job to kill both of them. Just two more people from his life to go away.
He’d given Darla 150 years of his life, or unlife, after she’d taken his life away from him.
He’d given years to Dru, until he’d been given back his soul and then Spike took Dru.
He’d given his life a second time for Buffy, and she was with a breathing human man.
What else was he going to have to give up?
‘Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway’
Even all alone, Angel couldn’t forget. The memories crowded around him all the time.
He was working for redemption, for his freedom. He supposed in some ways some people might consider him to be free. But it was a lie. He knew he wasn’t free. He was tied down, chained to his existence, his past, his memories and pain more securely now than ever before.
He was tired.
It was ironic. He’d fought beside Buffy for several years. He’d watched over her, helped her, loved her, touched her. And now… He felt like he no longer had any motivation for the job he was suppose to be doing.
* Kinda like Buffy’s job. Lousy hours, lousy pay, no benefits. I guess she used to be the one benefit I had, but now that’s gone too. *
‘So
this is my new freedom
It's
funny
I
don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore’
He wanted to see her. It was a burning pain inside of him all the time. He knew he couldn’t touch her; hold her like he wanted to do. But if he could just see her, talk to her… Maybe… Just maybe it would help.
* That’s what I’ll do. I’ll drive up to Sunnydale Saturday night and just see her. Just to talk to her for a few minutes. *
Angel sighed to himself. It was only Tuesday. It was going to take years to get to Saturday. He just knew it would.
In the meanwhile, he had work to do. The Host had told him he had to make up with Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn. He knew the Host was right.
* No time like the present to get humble, I guess. *
Angel headed out the door to try and talk to his former co-workers. Maybe they’d listen to him, let him apologize before they threw him out. Not that he didn’t deserve it, he knew he did.
‘And
time goes by so slowly
The
nights are cold and lonely
But
I'm still holding on for you’
~*~
So here he was. Angel had helped the gang with some demons.
Lindsey had beaten him with a sledge hammer.
Angel had even slept with Darla. He’d kept his soul this time at least. There was no happiness to be found with Darla. Oh, she certainly knew her way around a man. It had been her ‘job’ before she’d been turned the first time. Then too, after the 150 years they had spent together, she certainly knew her way around him in particular.
But after Buffy, Darla was not a way to any happiness.
It had been a wake-up call for him though, he knew how deeply he had sunk, how much of himself he’d almost lost to the darkness.
Angel felt so ashamed. He hoped this was one thing that neither Buffy nor his co-workers ever found out.
They were his co-workers again. He’d humbled himself and they had allowed him back in... kinda.
So much had happened and it was still only Friday. One more day before he’d planned to go see Buffy.
*Ohhhhh! I promised myself I’d just get through the week without thinking about her, for at least a few days! *
Angel groaned to himself. This would be killing him if he weren’t already dead.
* NO! I won’t wait any longer. Maybe if I go tonight, I can see her and then try and concentrate on something else, on what I’m supposed to be doing. *
He slammed down the book he’d been researching though and headed for his car.
It had been dark for only an hour, so he could do this. He could make it to Sunnydale in a couple of hours, see Buffy and then be back before dawn.
As Angel drove along the highways, he thought about the woman he loved. How her hair had shone in the sunlight, the warmth of her body next to his, the feel of her mouth on his.
All the things he knew he shouldn’t be thinking about.
Over the two hours it took to make the drive, Angel had walked himself back through all the time he’d spent with Buffy since the beginning. Every glance, every word, every touch. He hadn’t spared himself. He’d even gone over the time when he was Angelus.
* I don’t deserve her. I never deserved her. Yet… even after all I did to her, after the pain I’d caused while I was Angelus; all she could see when I came back from Hell, was how guilty she felt for sending me there. I should stay away from her. I should leave her alone, like we said. *
It was just a few minutes later that Angel turned onto Revello Drive. He parked his car down the street from Buffy’s house. He’d walk up to the door so he didn’t disturb anyone. At least that’s what he told himself.
‘Here
I go again
But
I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on’
Angel walked around the side of the house he knew so well. Almost as well as he knew his own place. He’d spent so much time there, especially Buffy’s bedroom.
He saw the lights were on downstairs, and moved closer to the windows. He didn’t want to disturb Joyce if it was her instead of Buffy.
As Angel looked in the window, he saw her.
* God, she’s so beautiful! *
He watched her through the window as she walked across the room. She seemed to be talking to someone just barely out of his line of sight.
Angel watched as Buffy raised an arm toward that unseen person. He saw a man’s hand reach around Buffy’s waist.
Buffy and the unseen man moved back a step, coming into Angel’s view. He saw her arms around the man, his arms around her; they were kissing, completely involved with each other.
Angel turned to leave. He couldn’t interrupt her. He knew he shouldn’t have come. He knew she was involved with someone else.
Seeing her kiss someone else, the way she used to kiss him was tearing him apart.
Somewhere in the back corner of his mind, something finally made its way through the pain and loss Angel was feeling.
* NO! No, it can’t be! I must be wrong, *
He turned back to the window to watch.
Buffy broke the kiss with the man, and as she pulled slightly back from him, Angel saw his face.
It was Spike!
It was the hair that had caught Angel’s attention. It just took a few seconds to make an impact on him, as hurt as he was feeling.
* She said she was dating a human! Why Spike? How…!? I gave up everything and instead of the normal life I wanted her to have, she chose another vampire?! Spike? *
Angel just stared. As he watched them together, he saw that Buffy seemed to be happy. So was his childe. They laughed with each other between kisses.
The tears rolled unheeded down Angel’s face as he watched the couple and realized that they cared about each other. He remembered that Spike had had a chip put in his head by some government outfit, so he couldn’t hurt any human. He didn’t have a soul to lose either. If he loved her…
Angel sighed, tears still falling. He turned away, feet as heavy as his heart as he walked back to his car. He wanted Buffy to be happy. If it was his childe that could do that instead of him…
* It hurts. God, how it hurts! If he ever hurts her though… I’ll make sure he’s dead permanently. I’ll stake him myself if he hurts her at all. *
Angel slid behind the wheel of his car and started the engine again. As he pulled out into the street, heading back to Los Angeles, he never saw the door open half a block behind him.
Buffy looked out the door. She looked up and down the street. Behind her a male voice asked, “What’s wrong, luv? Is someone out there?”
“I don’t know, Spike. This is gonna sound weird, but I thought I felt Angel here.”
Not seeing anything, she stepped back inside, closing the door behind her.
“ ‘S’okay, luv. Must be just your imagination this time.”
Spike took the blonde Slayer back into his arms as he looked out the window, his thoughts kept to himself.
* No Buffy, you did feel Angel out there. I did too. Guess I’m gonna have to call my Sire and explain things to him. I know how much he’s probably ‘urting’ right about now.*
“Let’s finish watching our movie, luv.”
“Okay. I’ll grab some more popcorn and be right there, Spike.”
~*~
It was a much longer two hours back to LA for Angel than the drive up to Sunnydale had been. For once Angel was glad he wore black. The front of his shirt might be damp, but at least the blood tint of the tears never showed.
‘Ever
since you've been gone
The
lights go out the same
The
only difference is
You call another name
To
your love
To
your lover now
To
your love
Gillian Silverlight 3/25/01