Title: Eight Pages To Love

Author: Gillian Silverlight

Distribution: My site, those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please ask.

Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, I just play with them.

Summary: Sequel to ‘Seven, The Page of Desperation’ in the ‘Pages’ series

Rating: PG

Lyrics: ‘I’ll Stand By You’ by The Pretenders

Eight Pages to Love

Spike leaned on Willow’s shoulder and cried like his heart would break. The thought that Buffy loved him and felt that she wasn’t allowed to love him, caused his unbeating heart to fell like it was being ripped apart.

Knowing that the strong blonde slayer was so upset and depressed that she felt her only option was to end her own life, was almost more than Spike could bear.

He wanted to comfort her, to tell her how he felt; calmly, instead of the mistakes he’d made before.

He’d started to write her a page, as she had done in her diary; before he and Angel had run to her house to save her. The blonde vampire still thought that was a good idea. It would let him tell her how he felt, without interruptions and without letting his emotions get the best of him in front of her.

Spike pulled back from Willow. “Red, do you know where Buffy would have some paper and a pen?”

“I’m not sure, Spike. I can ask Dawn. She should know. Why?” Willow, as Buffy’s best friend was concerned about what was happening. She didn’t want Spike to write something to upset her friend.

“Angel and I knew what was happening and how she has been feeling because of some of her diary pages she wrote and then threw away. She thought no one would find them, but the wind blew the trash lid off and a page fell out. I saw her handwriting and read the page. It upset me so bad I had to bloody well go talk to the poof about it. He came back to see if there were any more pages and found several. That’s how we found out what she was planning to do and got here.”

“Oh, my Goddess!” Willow then frowned, “But why do you need the paper? I don’t want her upset any more, Spike.”

“She said on one of the pages that it was easier to express her feelings on paper. I thought that I might be able to do the same thing and explain a few things to her in a way that would make her be ok with it. Like a non-threatening way of things.” Spike tried to get Willow to understand how important this was to him.

“Yeah.. I think that would be a good idea. Maybe it will help her feel better” Willow settled into what everyone knew as her ‘resolve face’. “Let’s go get you some paper.”

Dawn found a blank notebook for Spike and a pen and pencil. He took them and found himself a quiet spot to write.

************************************************

‘Oh, why you look so sad? The tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now’

Buffy, luv… I have to tell you first that Angel and I found your diary pages you threw away. We’ve both read them and know how you feel, luv.

The wind blew the lid off of the trash bin and one of the pages fell out. It upset us so much that Angel looked for more. We were worried, luv.

I want you to know that what I have to say here.. Well, I won’t lie to you. Not here, not about this.

The pages are at the mansion, but I remember a lot of your questions you asked. I want to try and answer them for you the best I can.

I’ve known for a bit now that you have been trying to push me away. I had an idea about the reason too. That’s why I told you I knew there was something between us.

Even though you always remind yourself that I’m a vampire, you forget sometimes that we have a few extras. Like an extra good sense of smell. I can’t just ignore that when you’re near me you smell like a wonderful perfume of vanilla, sunshine, a scent that is just you, and that you’re aroused.

Don’t let the way you’ve treated me keep you away from me, Buffy. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always offer you comfort if you need it. I don’t care what the reason is; I’ll be here for you. If you want me to walk away afterwards.. I will.

I love you. I always thought I knew what that meant when I was with Dru. But until now, until I realized I love you, I didn’t know what love really was.

It’s hard for me to admit that something scares me. Finding out that you are more important to me than my own unlife is damned bloody scary!

I miss you too. We used to patrol together. I even miss the fights we had. I know you might think that’s kinda off. I love to watch you move, your grace and beauty.

You keep me on my toes too. I’ve even learned a lot fighting against you and at your side

Why didn’t you come to me and just talk to me?

I know I handled everything so bloody badly and I’m sorry. I don’t have a lot of experience with women. Just the one that rejected me when I was human the very night that Dru Turned me. Then 100 years with Dru…

I did everything wrong, Buffy; and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you

I didn’t want to be the one to tell you about Riley. But I thought you should know before he got Turned and you had to slay him. I knew that would hurt you really badly. I couldn’t let that happen to you.

Yeah, I do need you. Even if you won’t let me in, I’ll still need you. It’s part of me being in love with you. You’d never disappoint me, Buffy. You make me angry. You aggravate me, but you’d never disappoint me.

If I had one day with you, like the one where Red got us with her spell; but it was real between us… I could die a very happy vampire. To have your love for real even for one day would make it all worth while.

‘But don't, be ashamed to cry, let me see you through

'Cause I've seen the dark side too’

I won’t lie to you, Buffy. I give you my word. I gave you my word before and you took it. You had to then and you don’t now, but my word is still as good. I may not have a soul but I do have my honor.

No, I don’t have the same kind of soul that my sire has. But I have a soul. You are my soul. I have changed. I’m trying to change even more. I want to be someone you can love and not have to protect your friends from. I thought I was getting there when you brought your mum and tha’ Nibblet to me to protect. That you trusted me to take care of the two most important people in your life, meant more to me that you can imagine.

I felt like a man in your eyes and not a monster.

I know it was hard for you to bring them to me and ask for help. Just like it’s hard for you to let people see you cry.

You can trust me with anything, Buffy.

I know what you said about when we sat on the porch. You were right. I did come to kill you that night. But I got there, saw you crying and I couldn’t do it. You had hurt me really bad with what you said to me in the ally. It made me feel like I had when Cicely rejected me while I was human. There was so much pain, Buffy.

But I saw you and I knew I couldn’t hurt you ever.

Even if you hadn’t been crying, I couldn't have hurt you.

I know you don’t believe me when I tell you that I love you, but I do.

I’ve been different ever since I was Turned. I could still love for some reason.

Angelus made my life miserable for that for a long time.

You know I loved Dru. When you threatened her that time, I was willing to do anything to keep her safe.

But somewhere along the way, that changed. I had admired you when I first saw you. You were so strong, so graceful and beautiful.

The more I saw you, the more I admired you. I couldn’t seem to kill you, just like you didn’t seem to be able to kill me.

I got this bloody chip in my head and it calmed the demon in me. I got to thinking. Like you said, thinking can be a bad thing sometimes. But this time.. I had a dream one night. You came into my crypt like always and I grabbed you and kissed you. You kissed me back and told me you wanted me. I kissed you again and told you that I loved you.

Let me tell you that woke me up in a cold sweat! Me, the Big Bad.. Slayer of two slayers, in love with the Slayer. But you’ve never been like any other slayer, Buffy.

I fought against it, like I know you did. But it didn’t go away; nothing would make it go away. I finally realized I didn’t want it to go away.

I had fallen hopelessly in love with you.

‘When the night falls on you, and you don't know what to do

Nothing you confess, could make me love you less’

I know you feel that you’ve done horrible things to me. I know now some of how you feel about what happened with you and Angel. It wasn’t your fault, luv. You did what you had to do. I know that doesn’t make it feel any bleedin’ better, but you did what you had to do.

There is nothing about you that would make me not love you, Buffy.

You’re confused right now. I know how that feels. It won’t make you feel better to know that he read the pages from your diary too, but you need to know before you face him. He didn’t know how you felt about all of it. He was trying to do what was best for you. I can’t believe I’m defending my sire, but I am because it’s important to you and that means it’s important to me as well.

Love isn’t a lie, Buffy. It can be with some people, but I can promise you that with me it would never be a lie. Even if the chip in my head was gone, I wouldn’t go back to what I was before. I’d lose you forever if I did. If that happened, I would want you to go ahead and stake me then, because I’d have nothing left to live for without you.

See, I do understand how you feel. I also know that you didn’t have to keep all this inside of you. It’s been killing you slowly.

Maybe you and Angel couldn’t work things out. That happiness part of his curse won’t let him be with you.

I can! I want to be. I can’t walk in the sunlight with you, but I can be there for you. I can promise you that I won’t leave you. Bloody hell, woman! I stayed with Dru for 100 years and you think I’d leave you? You’re my sunshine. I hadn’t seen the sun in over 120 years until I saw you. Now I can stand in the room with it whenever you’re around me.

I can’t promise you children. But I know the only way a vampire can have a child is with a Slayer. You can imagine how bleedin’ often that happens!

Not all of us can have children even then. But with me there is at least a chance if you want to take it.

I never thought I’d ever have a family. But you admitted in your diary that you love me.

Take that chance with me, luv.

‘I'll stand by you; I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you’

You’re not a monster, luv. You’re also not normal. As the Slayer, you’ll never be normal. You can hug me as hard as you want, luv. I’ll be here for you, always.

Right now, with your mum gone <I loved your mum, you know. She was always so very special to me. I’d never have hurt her. > I know you think it was about you, and sometimes we did talk about you. But we talked about other stuff too. Her work, the art she found… lots of things. I miss her more than I’ve ever missed anyone in over a hundred years.

I know you worry about tha’ Nibblet.

I’d never do anything to hurt her. It would hurt you too much.

Besides.. I kinda like the little chit.

No, I have to tell you the truth. I love her.

She’s your sister no matter where she came from. Tha’ Nibblet is special in a lot of ways. She liked to hang out with me and likes my stories and until I told you how I felt about you, she treated me like a real person too. I miss that too, Buffy.

We can get acceptance from your pals and your watcher. Let me prove to you that I’m different now, Buffy. Let me prove it to them. They follow your lead, you know.

Angel has already talked to your watcher tonight. Tha’ git will listen to the poof.

You know I’ve never been able to get what happened from Red’s spell out of my mind either. You reached inside of me that day and curled your hand around my heart and made me see that I’d fallen in love with you. I’ve never been able to go back afterwards.

This may not be what either of us looked for, but it’s real! It’s inside of us and will eat us up if we keep ignoring it.

You said you slept in Angel’s arms and he was gone when you woke up. I never thought I’d envy him, but I do. I’d give just about anything to hold you in my arms as you slept, knowing I was holding you. You feeling safe enough to sleep. You would be safe, luv. And when you woke up, I’d be there, holding you still. I’ll protect you from anything I can. I’d give my life to protect you and tha’ Nibblet.

She’s your closest family now, with your mum gone. If only you knew how much I want to be a part of that, to belong to a family again. Your family. Your mum made me feel like I was kinda…

I want to be with you for the rest of your life, luv. I’ll get down on my knees and ask you to have me. You’ll never have to be lonely with me.

You’re not bad or evil because you love me. I’m not wrong to love you. We don’t choose who we love, we just fall in love.

You’re watcher told me that maybe there was a higher reason for me to have this chip in my head. Maybe it was someone up there trying to find the person you should be with?

Maybe that’s the reason I love you, the reason I keep coming back to good old Sunnyhell. To keep you safe, to love you, to bring some happiness in your life. I will try my best if you’ll let me, Buffy.

I can feel when you’re near me. It’s like a sweet ache in my bones. I feel your essence vibrate through me. I feel like a schoolboy around you. Unsure of myself. I’ve been a master vampire for a hundred years, Buffy, and you make me feel like a bloody schoolboy.

‘So, if you're mad, get mad,

don't hold it all inside’

You keep too much inside you, luv. I know you can’t always tell your mates everything, or even your watcher, but you can tell me. You can tell me anything.

I’d like to be able to tell you anything.

You talked about what I said about ‘one good day’. My ‘one good day’ with you was the day of Red’s spell. I’d like to have ‘one good day’ like that for the rest of your life.

And as much as I’d like to have you with me for the rest of my life, I’ll never Turn you unless you want me to. I give you my word on that, luv.

When you’re upset, or angry, you like to beat the hell out of something. I’ve seen you do it. I do it. I’ll fight with you when you need that. I won’t hurt you. I’ll spend the rest of forever trying to never hurt you again.

If I could take the words back that I said to you that hurt you so badly, I would. I can’t. All I can do is tell you I didn’t mean them and spend as long as it takes trying to convince you that I didn’t mean them.

You are feeling so cold and alone. Like you can’t love any more, like a great darkness inside of you, eating away at you, consuming your soul. I know that feeling, Buffy. I felt it when I was Turned. I felt it when I realized Angelus was gone, when Dru left me; and I felt it when you rejected me and shut me out of your house.

I never tried to harm you in your home. I’d never try to hurt your friends or your mum or Nibblet.

I can understand the darkness that eats at you when you kill and kill and kill. The darkness that comes when you lose someone you love

‘Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?’

When I finish this, I’ll go back upstairs to relieve Angel. I’ll curl back around your body, and hold you, keeping you safe as possible. I hope you’re more awake and can talk to me. You can tell me everything, luv. Please don’t hold things inside like this. I need you, I love you, I won’t leave you, I’ll protect you.

I’ll try to be the man you want.

I do know you for some reason. It’s hard for you to hide things from me. The anger you’ve been sending out has hidden a lot recently though.

You don’t need to hide anything from me, not ever Buffy.

I can understand how you have been feeling so bad. Riley, you mum, that Glory bint after tha’ Nibblet; and then me. I don’t know how to make it better, Buffy. But I need to.

I need you, luv. I need you in my life.

I’ve not seen the sun in over a hundred years. Not until I saw you. You are the sun in my life. To quote that horrible song; ‘please don’t take my sunshine away..’.

‘I get angry too

Well, I'm a lot like you’

You and I.. we’re more alike than either of us wants to think about. It’s one reason we fight, and love and understand each other so much. It has nothing to do with killing, also we both enjoy the fight, the challenge, the violence,

I know Angel will always have a place in your heart and you’re right, Dru will always have a place in mine. We can’t go through what we did with each of them and them not have made their own place inside of us. But I think you and I were meant to be together, luv.

That decision has come for both of us. I know where I want to be, you have to decide now.

‘When you're standing at the crossroads,

but don't know, which path to choose

Let me come alone, 'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you’

You have to choose to live or die. You have to choose to be alone or love.

Choose to love, Buffy. Choose me

You know I don’t beg; no more than you do. But I’m begging you to please choose to live, to choose to give me a chance.

You won’t be sorry, Buffy.

I promise you’ll never have reason to be sorry.

‘Take me in to, your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you’

I’ll do my best to keep you safe no matter what happens. I’d keep you and Nibblet safe even if it costs me my own unlife.

Even if you don’t want me, I’ll be here for you.

‘And when, when the night falls on you, baby

You're feeling all alone, you won't be on your own’

I read your words. I know you love me. We can do this, luv.

Love may not solve everything, but with love, we can get through a lot. You don’t have to be alone, Buffy. I’ll be here for you. I won’t leave you. Your dad, that whelp Parker, Riley, even Angel.. they may have all left you. But I won’t.

Your mum didn’t have a choice, luv. I know your heart hurts, but your head knows she didn’t have a choice.

I don’t have a choice either, Buffy. I won’t leave you. I don’t want to live without you. Please don’t leave me. Even if you won’t ever be with me. Please don’t leave me.

**************************************************

Spike lay the pen down and picked up the page he had written to Buffy. He folded it and took it with him as he headed back up the stairs to her bedroom.

He’d been gone a while and he was sure Angel needed to be relieved.

As Spike walked into the bedroom, Angel looked up at him. Spike raised his eyebrow in a question at the dark haired vampire. Buffy was curled around him, still sleeping.

Angel shook his head slightly as a frown crossed his face.

“She’s been asleep the whole time. Are you ok?” Angel asked the younger vampire.

Spike looked like hell.

“Yeah. I’ll take over for a bit. Why don’t you go grab us both something to eat. Maybe they can make a bit of soup for her downstairs. I’ll try to get it down her.”

Angel eased out of Buffy’s grasp and let Spike slip into the place he had laid beside the fragile blonde girl.

Angel went down stairs.

Spike lay curled next to Buffy, holding her. She held him in her sleep, desperate not to be alone.

He reached into his pocket, took the pages out that he had written for her and laid them on the table next to her bed. He’d give them to her later.

Finally Buffy stirred in her sleep. She opened her eyes and looked at Spike, still very groggy.

“You still here?”

Spike chuckled a bit. “I’m here again, luv. I had to have a break for a bit and catch a cigarette. Angel stayed with you while I was gone. We’ve not left you alone, Buffy. You’ve hung on to which ever one of us was here with you.”

“Are you any better?”

“I’m more awake, if that’s what you mean. But I don’t feel any better than I did. It all still hurts so bad, Spike. Why? Why did you save me?” Buffy asked with her eyes still closed.

“We both love you, Buffy. There are more people down stairs that love you as well.”

Spike took a deep breath. “I wrote you a bit trying to tell you how I feel and to answer some of the questions you had in your diary pages. When you feel better, I’ll give them to you if you want.”

Buffy opened her eyes and tried to focus on Spike. “You did that for me?” What Spike had said finally penetrated her befuddled brain. “Answered the questions in my diary pages? That means… you had to read them. You found them… You know everything! Oh God, how can you stand to even be around me?” Tears slid out of her eyes and down her face.

Spike wiped the salty drops away with a gentle thumb. “Luv, we’re here because we love you. No body knows what you wrote except me and Angel. Please don’t cry. No matter what you wrote, we are here because we love you.”

Buffy looked at the blonde vampire lying next to her, holding her, with amazement in her eyes. “Even after all I said? After all I did?”

“Yes, luv. Just read what I wrote when you feel up to it.” Spike reassured her again.

“Well right now, I kinda need to be up to the bathroom, but I’m not sure I can make it on my own.” Buffy told him, a bit embarrassed.

“Let me get Red up here for you, then. You’ll be more comfortable with that, even though Angel and I did hold you in the shower forever, then we had to strip you and dried you off and get you into something warm. I’ve already seen it all, but Red will make you more comfortable. Right?”

Buffy blushed at his words. “Yeah, she will. It’s just that female thing, Spike.”

Spike started to get up to go to the door and call Willow upstairs. Buffy grabbed at his arm. “You won’t leave me will you?” He could hear the panic in her voice.

Spike sat back down on the bed and took her face in his hands. “I will never leave you, Buffy. I give you my word as a gentleman, and as a master vampire and as the person who loves you. You know my word is good.”

She looked back at him with amazement in her eyes. The love she tried to fight swam in the back of her eyes behind it all. “I know your word is good. You’re honorable. It’s a strange sense of honor, but it’s there and you mean it.” She leaned forward slightly and brushed her lips across his.

“Let me call Red for you, luv. I’ll be right here.” Spike got up and walked to the door to call Willow. He didn’t see Buffy grab the pages he’d laid on the table.

Standing in the doorway so Buffy could still see him, Spike called down the stairs. “Red, can you come up please?”

“Sure, Spike.” Willow answered him as she hurried up the stairs.

She entered Buffy’s room and saw her friend sitting up, then looked at the blonde vampire. “What do you need?”

“Not me. Buffy wants to go to the loo, but didn’t feel like she could on her own. I’d feel better if she wasn’t alone and she’d be more comfortable with you in there than me.”

“Sure.” Willow turned to her friend who was sitting unsteadily on the edge of the bed.

She walked over to Buffy and helped her stand, then led her to the bathroom.” Just lean on me, Buffy. You better now?”

“Trying to get there.” Buffy told her.

Willow helped Buffy into the bathroom and over to the toilet. “I’ll leave you here to do what you need to do. I want your word you won’t do anything to yourself.” Willow had that resolve face firmly plastered in place.

“I promise, Will.” Buffy had ever intention of reading the letter Spike had written her, though.

“Ok, I’ll stand over next to the door to give you some privacy.” Willow walked the few steps away to the door, facing it. It had been a long evening and didn’t promise to get any shorter. Buffy might be out of trouble physically, but the problems were still there.

Willow cracked the door just a bit so she could talk to Spike. “Spike?” The redheaded witch called out. Hearing a reply, she continued.” We made some broth for Buffy. While I’m with her in here, why don’t you run down and get her some and bring it back up.”

She heard Spike agree and move across the room. Behind her, Willow heard Buffy rustling paper. It sounded unlike the normal paper found in a bathroom. "Buffy, what are you doing?”

“I’m reading the note, letter, whatever, that Spike wrote me. You can turn around now. It’s ok” Buffy told her friend a bit distractedly.

Willow turned to see Buffy doing just that, with silent tears falling. “Buffy, you don’t have to read that if it’s upsetting you.”

“Yes, I do Will. I’ve been hiding from too much already. You’re welcome to read it as well. In fact I’d like for you to, please.” The slayer held out the page she had already finished. Willow took it and read in silence.

The witch was touched deeply by the words Spike had written to her friend. She had no idea this was inside of him. None of them had any idea. Yes, he was a vampire, but Willow remembered how nice he’d been to her at times, how upset he’d been when he couldn’t bite her in the dorm. Maybe this really was the chance Buffy needed.

Both girls read the eight pages Spike had written. Buffy looked at Willow, eyes wide and tears on her face. “Willow, I had no idea! What do I do?”

“Buffy, it sounds from this like you said in your diary that you love him. If you love him, go to him. You have to get past this. It almost killed you. If you really love him, don’t let any of us tell you differently. We’ll manage. We’ll get over it and used to it. Your happiness is what matters, Buffy. Do you love him?” Willow was being blunt. That resolve face was back too.

Buffy looked at her friend and saw the resolve face there. “Yes, I do love him. I tried not to, but I do.”

Willow took the step next to Buffy and hugged the blonde. “Then go to him. Tell him in person. Talk to him. Angel is downstairs writing his own letter.” Willow pulled her friend to her feet and gave her a slight push toward the door. “Go tell that man you love him.”

“And drink your broth!”

Willow helped Buffy back to her bed where Spike sat waiting, anxiety all over his face.

****************************************

Spike put his arm around the slayer and helped her back to bed, sitting next to her, offering the wonderful English beef tea that Giles had made for her. She took the broth and looked at it. “This looks funny. What is it?”

“It’s English beef tea. Your watcher made it for you. Drink it all. It’s good for you and it’s an effort to make. He loves you too, you know.”

“I know.” She took the cup of broth and sipped it. “It’s good. I read your letter. Maybe we should talk a bit, Spike.”

**********************************************

Some time later, Buffy had finished her broth and wanted more. They had talked endlessly for almost an hour.

Spike took her cup and sat it on the table as he knelt next to the bed, taking the slayer’s small hand.

“Buffy Anne Summers, I love you with all of my unbeating heart. Will you have me please?”

Buffy could see the longing and fear very evident in Spike’s eyes. “Yes, Spike. I will. I love you too. I’m gonna hold you to your word to stay with me, to win the gang over. We’ll need to handle this with Angel too. He can stay here while you go get your things.”

“My things?” Spike was puzzled at what she meant.

“Yes, you’re moving in with me tonight. Unless you don’t want to be with me after all?”

“NO! I mean, yes! I want to be with you. Are you sure of this, luv?”

“No, I’m not sure of anything except that I love you and I don’t want to be alone. So you’re moving in with me tonight. We have to talk to Angel and to Giles and Willow. I talked to Willow a bit already. Now, will you please kiss me?”

Spike didn’t need a second invitation. He gathered her into his arms and kissed her tenitively, carefully at first. Then increased the demands of his lips on hers, his tongue against hers as she responded in kind.

When they finally broke the kiss so she could breath. Both of them were gasping for breath

Buffy looked at the flushed blonde vampire in front of her. She carefully touched her lips with her fingertip. The look of amazement shone from her face. “I had no idea. I had no idea it could be like that.” She whispered to him.

“We’ll just have to find out how much more it can be for us, luv.” Spike was more overwhelmed that he wanted to admit. This had been nothing like what had happened between them with Red’s spell. This was so much more…

“We better call them and talk to them now.”

“Yeah. Cause as soon as you’re feeling better, we may not be able to talk for a while.”

“Oh, I think you can count on that.” Buffy smiled at him.

Quickly kissing her again, Spike got up and went to the door to call Willow back, asking her to ask the others to come upstairs.

Gillian Silverlight 4/28/01