TITLE: Glaringly Obvious

PART: (2/?)

http://www.geocities.com/rollergirly2k/Glaringlyobvious.html

AUTHOR: Pandora aka Golden Spike I-Like-Spike@j...

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all. I own none of the characters and make

not a cent from writing this.

DISTRIBUTION: Those who already have my permission, feel free.

Anyone else, please let me know.

RATING: PG-13 I guess

SPOILERS: Anything up to and including the end of Crush is fair

game.

FEEDBACK: I'd love it!

SUMMARY and NOTES: Spike is reflecting on his feelings after Buffy

shuts the door in his face at the end of Crush. In other words, he's

thinking things over. Everything is going on in his mind.

DEDICATION: To Trish for reading this over and making me feel I'm

on the right track. To Maggie for her encouraging words and

unflagging support. Also, to Celyia for dedicating "Only Human" to

me, calling me her bud, and sending me great feedback even though she

hurt her back. Thanks girl! To Lea and Penny at the mirrorofdarkness

for backing me up and making a list where you can go have fun without

being troubled by many ridiculous rules.

THANKS TO: Missi, Patti, Cinnamon Spike, Jo, Jaybee(Jaybird),

Krissy, Meredith, Cat, Dee, Raven, and Kimberley.

Glaringly Obvious

Part 2

She.. shut.. the door... in my.. face. She.. bloody well.. SHUT..

the door.. in.. my.. FACE! And.. as if that wasn't enough, my open

invitation was rescinded as well. After three years of enterin' her

house at will, I am now persona non grata at Casa de Summers. With

the simple act of closing a door, she took away my last chance.

There was an odd look on'r face b'fore she shut the door though. It

looked like she was considerin' somethin'. Was she thinkin' 'bout

lettin' me in again? Maybe... she was.. thinkin' 'bout.. what.. I

said? No, bugger it all, Spike, don't go all poofty. No reason to

get your 'opes up...

I'm a bloody, stupid fool to think she'd respond well to being

chained and threatened with death the way my insane ex would. I love

her more than anything in my life or unlife, and now I've lost any

chance I might've 'ad by my unthinkin', idiotic actions. It's all my

fault for being such a dunce.

Might as well call myself Peaches now... Yeah, I'll ring the poof

in LA and tell'm I've taken up 'is name b'cause I also fell in love

with the Slayer. He'd have a heart attack at that news if his heart

actually worked. Hey, that sounds like fun. Maybe some good can come

of this mess, since no matter 'ow much pain I'm in, at least I get to

share it with Angel. Y'know.. usually, causing pain to broody

hair-gel boy would make me feel better, but for some reason, it

doesn't right now. hmmm..

I guess when she told me to leave, she WAS dead serious. Those

words she spoke were filled with venom. I can still hear 'em loud and

clear: "It changes everything, Spike! I want you out. I want you out

of this town, I want you off this planet! You don't come near me, my

friends, or my family again ever! Understand?" Never thought words

could hurt so much, even though I didn't think she actually meant

them. I thought she was just workin' off her anger for being chained

up and everything else I put her through tonight, but obviously I was

wrong, judgin' by the door shuttin' in my face and the anti-invite.

Now all I feel is pain, pain that is INTENSE, to say the least.

I've been on this earth for 120 odd vampire years plus 26 human years,

and I've never experienced pain such as this. I don't even know how

to describe it with words. Words are just.. inadequate...

In fact, I told Dru that the pain caused by the chip was searin' and

blindin', but this emotional torment FAR eclipses any pain I've felt

before, EVEN from the chip. I'd rather 'ave the blasted chip go off

for hours than feel this total sense of loss. I thought when Dru

cheated on me with Angelus it was bad. I thought when she left me for

a chaos demon and then a fungus demon it was bad. But there.. is..

NO.. comparison. Those things were child's play.

Y'know, it's interestin' to think that, 'cause maybe I never

actually loved Dru. I doubt I'd 'ave been interested in her when she

was human. I don't know how I stood listening to her insane dribbling

for over a hundred years. I'm surprised it didn't drive ME crazy.

The love I thought I felt for her was probably nothing more than the

sire/childe bond. Plus, I'd just been rejected by that bint Cecily.

I was most likely just grateful that she took me away from being the

butt of everyone's jokes, nothing more.. What I feel for Buffy is far

stronger. Far stronger, but also capable of causing much more pain.

Bloody hell! How do I make this torment STOP?

It's not like I don't realize that I brought this on myself. I'm

not a bloody fool about everything. I know I've done plenty to

deserve her hatred. Not only have I tried to kill her numerous times,

but I've also PLAYED on her insecurities far too many times to number.

Shit, last year I even tried to get the Scooby gang to turn against

each other for Adam. It's no.. bleedin'.. WONDER she can't see me as

anything but an evil demon. I've not really done much to show myself

differently.

And lest I forget, when speaking of playing on her insecurities,

I've said some horrible things to her about her man-keeping skills.

All out of jealousy, of course, but she didn't know that. She

could've kept me forever with one kind word. Shit, I'd 'ave stayed

with mean words and plenty of shagging. I'd 'ave stayed for any

measly amount of attention. She's golden, she's my sun, she's MY

SLAYER. Bugger it all, I sound like the poofter. Yep, just call me

Peaches...

That brings to mind some things I've said quite recently about her

and Captain Cardboard, but I don't think she'd 'ave taken those things

too seriously. She can't 'ave missed the way I look at her, can she?

I wonder what she saw in that wanker. Her taste in men has always

been on the blah side. She'd be better off with that whelp Xander,

and that says a lot!

While I'm thinkin' 'bout this, I can't very well forget what I did

last year when I got the Gem of Amara. I was a complete sod. That

stupid prick Parker dumped her after he got to taste her wonderful

body, and then I acted like a complete blackguard and told her that

she was so bad in bed that she wasn't worth a second go. What was I

thinking? Even back then I'd 'ave JUMPED at the chance to get in her

pants. It's no wonder she can't stand the sight of me. I must be a

constant reminder of her self-perceived problems pleasing men

(conveniently created by myself and Angelus).

So many mistakes. It'd take me forever to catalog them, and doing

so'd just make me feel worse, so I might as well stop now. Can't do

anything to change what I've done in the past and she won't even let

me apologize for hurting her. How COULD I 'ave hurt her so much?

I always knew there was something special about her, even before I

admitted that I loved her. Shit, when Red put that spell on us, it

was wonderful to be able to touch her and kiss her. Maybe I should

get Red to do another spell..... Nah, Buffy'd never forgive me for

doing that.

So, what do I do? Should I do as she said and leave? Or should I

stay and fight for her and alongside her? Right now all I want to do

is stand 'ere til the sun rises and be rid of the pain, but I don't

think I'll do that quite yet. Still, if I stay, what chance do I 'ave

of gettin' her to give me a chance? Probably no chance at all, but if

I leave, I definitely will not have a chance.

Damn. What should I do?