TITLE: If Only's

AUTHOR: Pandora aka Golden Spike I-Like-Spike@juno.com

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all

DISTRIBUTION: Maggie. Anyone else, please let me know.

RATING: PG-13 I guess

SPOILERS: Crush

FEEDBACK: I'd love it!

SUMMARY: Response to Cat's challenge. Buffy is talking to someone about what happened

that night with Spike.

DEDICATION: To Maggie and Trish for encouraging me and supporting my efforts.

Thanks so much, you are both awesome!

If Only's

Ok here's the sitch...I'm chained up and Spike is telling me that he loves me, that I'm all he ever thinks about, that he's drowning in me...well, you get the pic. With being chained up and all, you'd think my true reaction would be outrage, but honestly...I was turned on.

You don't have to look at me like that, I know it's bizarre, but one time during this little adventure, I said his name and as he leaned toward me with a hopeful look on his face, I wanted nothing more at that moment than for him to kiss me. I really wish he had, because things would have turned out SO differently, but he didn't, so I stupidly told him that the only chance he ever had with me was when I was unconscious.

That's one of those "if only" moments, the kind your mind keeps going over and over, trying out new possibilities, constantly thinking, if only I'd done this, if only he'd done that, if only he'd kissed me, if only I'd kissed him, if only I'd given him the CRUMB he was asking for! But I didn't, and now he's gone, so I'm here talking to you because my mom and Giles think I'm severely depressed and they're worried about me, but you can't help me, I will go over those "if only" moments for the rest of my life and keep hoping that someday the powers that be will change what happened and let one of my "if only's" come true. If only...