Title:
Author: Gillian Silverlight
Distribution: TQ and Saber, my Website, other ask.
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB. I just play with them
Rating: PG
Summary: Spike find out about Joyce’s death.
Lyrics by Peter Gabriel and Aerosmith
Losing a Friend
Spike stood across the street in the shadows. It seemed it was all he could do nowadays.
He saw Buffy come home with her sister and her watcher. The watcher looked sad. Buffy and Dawn had been crying. He could see the tear streaks down their faces, the reddened eyes.
* What was wrong? What was going on? *
He crossed the street carefully, making sure he was not seen, as he got closer to the house so he could listen to the conversation in the kitchen. He heard the Slayer and her Watcher talking about…Joyce?!
“Buffy, I’ll make the arrangements for the funeral now that the medical examiner has finished checking your mother.”
“T-thanks, Giles. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost…”
“I know, Buffy. I’m here though. We’ll get through this.”
“The house just feels so…. It’s empty without Mom, but everywhere I look, there she is…”
Giles put an arm around the small blonde and hugged her.
“I understand, Buffy. Are you sure you’ll be ok here alone tonight, you and Dawn?”
“Yeah, Giles. I just can’t take any more right now. I just
want to be alone. I just want to sleep.”
”I almost wish I had some of the same sedative the doctor gave Dawn, but I know
I need to be alert.”
“I understand, Buffy. If you are sure you’ll be alright, I need to drop Willow and Tara at the.. ah, funeral home.”
“They said they would stay there tonight with your Mom.”
The Slayer’s Mom? At a funeral home?
Joyce!
* Oh, God! What happened? Not Joyce! *
The blonde vampire was in shock. He staggered to the bushes and sat heavily.
He had no idea how long he had sat there, his thoughts whirling around him. He was dazed and in pain.
Buffy had hurt him with her recent words about how he felt about her. But to add this….
*…The Slayer and Nibblet…. Their mum…. She was the closest thing I’ve had to a Mum since I lost my own. *
Spike got up and walked back to his crypt in a daze. He looked around as he stood inside the doorway.
* Slayer was right. All of the sudden it does feel empty in here. I remember Joyce sitting there…*
He looked over at the chair in front of the television. When she and Dawn had stayed here with him, when Buffy had brought them to him, she’d sat there and watched ‘Passions’ with him. They’d talked.
Spike remember all the times they’d had chocolate together in the Summers kitchen, how they had talked, how she’d always been kind to him.
He held his face in his hands, his slender shoulders shaking as he missed her already.
* No. No, I can’t do this. I need to go see her. *
Spike got up, changed his clothes, and washed up a bit. He headed out of his crypt toward the funeral home. As he had walked through the cemetery, he had seen bunches of flowers on the graves, but it just didn’t seem right. Joyce deserved her own flowers, new flowers.
Spike stopped and bought flowers from a vendor. He got a card to go with them and borrowed a pen from the salesman. He thought about it for just a moment and then wrote on the card, finally tucking it into the bunch of flowers.
***********************************************
Tara and Willow sat at the funeral home. Neither of them had anything to say. They just held each other’s hands and sat. They hadn’t wanted to leave Joyce alone. She might not know they were there, but they had wanted to be there anyway.
The two sat together in a back corner of the room where Joyce was in her… her casket.
From the doorway across the room, they saw a familiar figure enter and head toward Joyce. He had a bunch of flowers in his hands.
Willow moved, trying to stand up and confront the blonde vampire. But Tara saw something in his face and held Willow still with one arm, laying her finger across her own lips indicating to just keep quiet.
Willow was perplexed to begin with. But both girls stayed where they were and just watched.
Spike walked very hesitantly up to where Joyce lay. He stood looking down at her.
From where Tara and Willow sat, they could see Spike’s profile as he looked at Mrs. Summers.
Willow watched in amazement at the expression on the vampire’s face.
Spike reached out a tenitive hand to touch Joyce’s face.
“Joyce… I don’t know what to say to you. What happened to you, Pet? “
“I hope whatever it was, it didn’t ‘urt. I never wanted anything to ‘urt you. Funny that, you know? Even after you hit me with the ax the first time we met and told me to ‘stay the ‘ell away from your daughter’, I could only admire you. It was easy to see where the Slayer had gotten her spunk from.”
“Then when I came back after Dru and all.. You listened to me pour me ‘eart out to you. You gave me hot chocolate.”
“I know I never told you, but when I was sick or down when I was a child, my own mum would make hot chocolate for me. “You reminded me of her. ‘Course, we didn’t ‘ave marshmallows back then. You know I’ll never be able to see another marshmallow without thinking of you. They were always that special treat you gave me, you know?”
“Bloody ‘ell! Why did this happen, Joyce? The Slayer and Nibblet need you.”
The vampire’s voice was very soft. “I need you too.”
“I won’t have anyone to talk to now. Not about Buffy, or about ‘Passions’…. The others all have threatened me, Buffy has shut me out. Now I’ve lost you too. You know, you were the only mum I’ve had since mine died. I thought of you like me own mum. I wish I’d told you before it was too late, that I love you. I-I didn’t know ‘ow to say anything. I know everybody thinks I’m just a soul-less demon. But I’ve changed, Joyce. I love Buffy with all my un-dead life. I love the Nibblet. And I love you too….. “
Spike pulled a white rose out of the bunch of flowers and placed it in Joyce’s clasped hands. They were even colder than his own.
He brushed his cheeks with the back of his hand and then leaned over to kiss her gently on the cheek. He looked at her again and laid the rest of the flowers on a small table. He hoped someone would put them in water soon.
************************************************
Tara sat and watched and listened as she held a shaking Willow. Although the redhead had made no sound, tears had streamed down her face as she’d listened to Spike talk to Buffy’s mom.
“Tara…. I think we have all misjudged Spike. What he said.. And he was crying. He brought her flowers. He didn’t know we were here, so there was no reason for any of that to be a lie.”
“I know, Wil. He may not have a soul, but I think he really did love Mrs. Summers. I think he loves Buffy and Dawn too. After all, when my family had me convinced I was a demon, I still loved you. And Anya… she is a demon trapped in a human body but she does love Xander. I think maybe some demons can love. Even the ones we might think are bad.”
“I think you’re right, Tara. We had just assumed.. demon-equals-evil-equals-can’t-love.” Willow was silent for a moment.
“Let’s go put Spike’s flowers in water before they die too.”
Tara nodded at her partner. They both got up and looked at the single perfect white rose that Spike had placed in Joyce’s hands. He’d even removed the thorns so they wouldn’t stick her.
Tara got a vase of water from the back area. As she brought it back to Willow, the redhead was holding the card Spike had written.
“Tara, look…” Willow had tears running down her face again. Tara looked at the card Willow was holding.
‘ To my second Mum, Joyce. I love you and will always miss you. I hope wherever you are, you can see this and know what I could never tell you. You have a place in my heart for the rest of my life. William’
“Tara.. Buffy and Giles need to know. They need to know they were wrong. We have all been wrong.”
“I think so too. Maybe Buffy and Spike can even find some comfort together.”
“Tara… you’re not saying..?”
“Yes, Wil, I am. She needs someone in her life that won’t leave her. I think he does too.”
Willow could only stare at her partner as she slowly nodded.
*************************************************
When Giles arrived at Buffy’s house the next morning. Willow and Tara were already there.
Willow got up to hug the older man, then sat back down.
“Giles, Buffy.. We need to talk to you both about something. We need you to hear us out without interrupting or getting upset, ok?”
Buffy looked at her friends, baffled, then looked at Giles. Both the Slayer and the Watcher looked back at Willow and Tara and murmured agreement.
“Ok….” Willow told them both everything they had seen and heard last night. They told about the rose, the other flowers and the card….
“I brought the card so you could see we’re telling you the truth. I think we need to put it back with the flowers though after you read it. That’s only right.”
Buffy took the card with shaking fingers. She held it so that Giles could read it with her.
“Buffy, he had no reason to lie. He didn’t know we were there.” Tara was concerned that Buffy and Giles needed to understand what had happened.
“I think we have been wrong. I think he’s telling the truth about all of it. I think he doesn’t know how to handle any of this either, so it came out wrong. Like he said he didn’t know how to tell your mother that he cared about her.”
Giles had sat in stunned silence.
“Buffy, may I borrow your phone for a moment?”
“Ah, sure, Giles…” Buffy sat in shock, staring at the card in front of her. Her thoughts racing through her mind.
* Spike? He loved my mom? He loves Dawn? Oh, God! What do I do? How can this be? What do I do? Why now? *
Tears started down her face. Willow and Tara went to sit, one on either side of their friend, an arm around her.
They just held Buffy, knowing there was nothing more really to say right now.
A few minutes later, Giles walked back in to the room. He looked stunned, like someone sleepwalking.
“Giles.. What is it?” Buffy reached out to him.
“Ah, Buffy. Willow and Tara may be right. We may all have been very wrong.”
“I called Wesley in LA. Without telling him about Spike’s ah, confession to you, I did tell him about Spike’s words to your mother and the, ah, card.”
“It seems that Wesley has worked with a lot of various demons while in LA with Angel. He says that contrary to what the Council has always told us, demons CAN love. Even ones that we might consider evil. He suggested a test that he can help us do… However, we need to have Spike here with a telephone when Wesley calls us back tonight.”
“A test?” Buffy looked puzzled and still very disoriented.
“Yes, it seems that a friend of theirs is, ah, also a demon. He has the talent of being able to tell someone’s destiny, so to speak, and their inner self by hearing them, ah, sing.”
“Wesley’s going to call from the demon’s bar tonight and have him listen to Spike sing over the phone. The Host, as Wesley called him, will know the truth and can tell us.”
“Can we do this from here, Buffy? You have several extensions so there can be more of us on the phone at once to hear this.” “Validation if you would….”
“You mean invite Spike back in?”
“Yes.. We can have Willow and Tara shut him back out afterwards if you wish.”
“I think that several of us listening on the phone would be better.”
“Oh.. Ok.” Buffy looked at her Watcher. “Do we need to do this now?”
“Buffy, I understand. But this is also important. I think we need to know this information now. Even if we are all grieving, Glory is still out there. We may well need Spike’s help.”
“And… if this is true… he deserves the right to grieve for your mother. He may need someone to help him as well.”
“Giles.. This is just .. so.. wiggy.”
“Ah, yes.. I wouldn’t say this would be my first idea either, or that I’m happy about it at all. But if it’s true….”
The four friends sat and stared at each other.
“I’ll go tell Spike that we need him here tonight. Can all four of us be here at 9 for Wesley’s call?” Giles asked the girls.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Good. Anya and Xander had asked to be at the funeral home tonight. I don’t think that Xander needs to be included in this just yet.” Giles got up and hugged Buffy, then left to go find Spike.
*********************************************
Dawn had been very upset when they came back from the funeral home earlier. Buffy had given her additional medication and put her to bed. Willow and Tara had stayed with them all evening.
Giles knocked and then opened the front door. He came in leaving Spike standing on the front porch. Buffy went over to the door and just looked at the vampire. She saw the faint reddish streaks down his face, the reddened eyes that indicated he had been crying again recently.
“Spike, please come in.” Buffy’s voice was soft. She might refuse to admit there was anything between them, but she could see the grief on his face as plainly as she saw it on hers in the mirror.
Spike came in, unsure of what to do. Willow, sitting next to Tara, looked at Spike, patted the couch next to her indicating he should come sit with them.
Spike walked over and sat carefully next to Willow. “Thanks, Red.”
“Spike, We.. Tara and I were at the funeral home when you came in last night. If you need to talk….”
Spike looked at the redheaded witch with surprise. “Thanks, Willow. I may need to take you up on that, if you’re sure.”
Willow laid her hand on the vampire’s arm. “Yeah, we’re sure.”
Spike swallowed quickly, feeling more tears start behind his eyes. * Oh bloody hell! I can’t cry in front of them. Get a grip, Spike! *
Buffy had just been wandering in an aimless pacing around the edge of the living room. She was hoping the phone would hurry and ring so they could get this over with. She didn’t quite know what to do. She could tell Spike was truly upset. It made her uncomfortable. She wanted to go offer him comfort and seek comfort from him, but she didn’t know what to do.. What if she was wrong? What if Willow and Tara were wrong?
The telephone rang, shattering the uncomfortable silence. Giles had answered the phone.
“Yes. Let me get the others to the various phones and we can give this a go.”
The watcher held the phone away from his ear, covering the mouthpiece with his hand.
“Spike, if you could pick up on the phone in the living room there… Buffy do you want to get the one in your room and let Willow get on the one in your mother’s room… “ He left the question trail off.
“No, It’s ok, Giles. I’ll get the one in Mom’s room; Willow can get the one in my room. Tara, I’m sorry there aren’t enough to go around.”
“Buffy, It’s fine. I’ll keep Spike company here.” Tara looked at the blonde vampire.
Spike reached over and picked up the living room phone as Buffy and Willow hurried up the stairs to the other extensions.
“Hullo?”
“Ah, Spike. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce here. I’m going to hand the phone to the Host here. He’s a demon that can read your destiny and the truth of your words by listening to you sing. He’s agreed to do this over the phone so that Mr. Giles and Buffy can, ah, know the truth of your words as well as all of you knowing what you are doing, as in what your role in all of this is.”
“Ok. Thanks, mate.”
“Hi there! Is this Spike?” The cheerful voice of the Host came through the phone to Spike.
“Yeah. So what do I need to do? Just sing?”
“Yep, that’s it. Just sing for me and I can tell you what everyone needs to know.”
“Any song or does it need to be one in particular?”
“Any song you’d like, ol’man.”
Spike thought very quickly about what to sing.
“Ok.. As long as you know that I’m not great as a singer.”
“Oh, trust me, you can’t be any worse than that guy they say is your sire. Talk about.. Well, lets not talk about that. So just jump on in and sing for me.”
Spike was nervous. Hell, terrified wouldn’t be too strong. But he closed his eyes, and tried not to think about who was listening and just sang into the phone.
‘Darkness, darkness, hungry to the bone
Darkness, darkness, take my body home
God I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love
She like a pooka
She like a lightning
She roller coaster, 'till the break of dawn
She like a shadow
She all around me, nasty hearted dream
She got the sexy
She do it to me, wake me when I dream
God I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in love’
Spike’s voice just trailed off.
“Oh my! You certainly do have it bad, don’t you!”
“Ok, gang listen up here. Now as Wesley told you, this is my talent, my gift, what I do.”
“The vampire is telling you the truth. He does love that little blonde as well as her little sister, who’s not really her sister.. Um, keep that part quiet. There are folks out there that really don’t need to know that. The mother. Gee, I’m sorry about her. I really am.”
“He’s telling you the truth guys. He wants to be one of the good guys but he isn’t sure how to go about it. He’s trying the best he can. You folks need to offer him a bit of a hand here.”
“Um, and not too good with the women, but considering your past experience, man, I’m not surprised. Oooo, stay away from that last one! Bad news!”
“You’re suppose to be with that little blonde there that you’re so in love with. You guys have some work to do together and.. Well the rest of it is not really for mixed company, but you kiddies will certainly have a good time.”
“Ok, final bit. The Souled one here has his work cut out for him. He’s out of your picture. But the Slayer needs that annoying vamp with you to be with her. Them teaming up will keep her alive as well as make her a pretty happy gal, not to mention him.”
“Stop fighting what you need to do, and save the world again as well as the Slayer and that vampire on the phone.”
Shuffling sounds could be heard from the phone as the Host obviously was giving his phone to someone else.
“Well, that was certainly a lot of information. I don’t think we need to discuss this with my former employer, though.” Wesley was back on the phone.
”Ah, quite. And you say this fellow is accurate?” Giles asked his previous co-worker.
“Very. Which can be quite disturbing to say the least when you don’t really want to hear what he’s telling you. Well, I hope this has helped, Giles. We do need to run for now.”
“Yes.. Thank you Wesley. Keep in touch.” Giles hung up the phone and walked back out to the living room. Buffy and Willow were coming down the stairs as well. Willow with her arm around Buffy.
The phone rang again. Giles picked it up again.
“Giles, Wesley here. Sorry, the Host wanted to have Buffy do a bit of a song as well.”
“Buffy?”
“Yes, he seems to think it’s important.”
“Oh, alright. Let me get everyone back to the phone quickly.”
Giles stood up handing the phone back to Spike and heading toward the kitchen again. “Buffy, the Host has requested that you sing as well. He says it’s important.”
Buffy was scared. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know any more than what she’d just heard. But she just nodded and headed back up the steps quickly with Willow.
“Hello?”
“Hi there, sweetie” The overly cheerful voice of the Host came through the phone to her again. “Just a little bit of a song. I suddenly realized I need the other half of what’s going on there.”
Buffy reached over and turned on her radio, she’d just sing along with whatever came on at the time.
She heard the song playing and swallowed.
‘It was
only one hour ago
It was
all so different then
Nothing
yet has really sunk in
Looks
like it always did
This
flesh and bone
Is just
the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
And you
leave me
So hard
to move on
Still
loving what's gone
Say life
carries on
Carries
on and on and on and on
The news
that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the
final rattle rocks
Its
empty, empty cage
“Ok, then. Wow, can we say prophetic choices? Well, Buffy… seems you hide everything much too deeply. You know what you really feel about that guy on the other phone. Give him a break, Honey! Yours matches his like the other side of the coin.
Now.. Everybody else hang up the phone except for our two lovebirds.”
“I really think we need to hear this.” Giles told the Host very quickly.
“Giles, It’s ok. I think the Host may be right.” Buffy told her Watcher, as well her best friend on the other line. They heard two phones hang up.
“Ok, just got you two on the phone? Vampire and Slayer?”
The Host heard an affirmative from both Buffy and Spike.
“Ok. I needed to check what I was feeling by getting you to sing too, Buffy. Look, your Mom’s death was just bad timing, nothing else. But I’m really sorry about it. Both of you are hurting. But if you two don’t make peace with each other, this power you are fighting… Buffy, is going to kill you and soon, along with your non-sister sister. After that happens, the vampire is going to take up sunbathing for a hobby. You two kids love each other so much it’s making both of you crazy, and you’re fighting it. But you need each other for all of you to stay alive. Once you two are gone, the rest of us pretty much will be as well, starting with your friends.”
“Slayer, you can trust this vampire even more than you did the previous one. It’ll be worth it for you.”
“And once you’re finished with the funeral, keep your eyes open. Ok?”
“Gotta run now. Keep us all alive.”
The phone clicked as the Host hung up on his end.
Buffy and Spike each hung up the phone.
Giles and Willow had already gone back to the living room. They watched Spike’s face as he hung had up the phone.
The vampire got up from the couch and walked toward the stairs. Buffy was coming down the stairs, her eyes on Spike’s face.
She got to the last step and stopped. He stood there looking at her almost eye to eye.
“Spike… “ Buffy started to sob, throwing herself into Spike’s arms. He pulled her close, crying into her shoulder as well.
As they stood there, the others were watching them un-noticed. Spike finally picked Buffy up and turned around setting on the steps and pulling the blonde slayer into his lap. She continued to cry. He continued to hold her. His own tears had stopped and he murmured soothingly to her.
“Shhh, luv. It’s ok. We’ll make it ok. I know your mum is gone, but I’ll be here if you’ll let me. I’ll keep you safe. Shhh, luv, don’t cry.”
Buffy finally stopped crying enough to pull back and look at the vampire holding her. She saw the tear stains on his face again. Buffy reached out with a finger to wipe them away.
“Would you really do that, Spike?”
“Do what, luv? Oh, what he said about…”
“Yeah..”
“Yes, Buffy. I would. If you weren’t here, if Glory got Nibblet… I’d have no reason to stay. I wouldn’t want to stay. Nibblet gone, your mum gone… you gone… I love you, Buffy. I love them too.”
Buffy searched his face with her eyes. She saw in his eyes what she had not allowed herself to see before. The truth.
“Spike, It may take me a while to work all this out. I’ve buried my feelings pretty deep.”
“’S ok, luv. I know what you feel now. You know I’m tellin’ the truth. We’ll manage.”
“Yeah. Will you walk me over to see my Mom with me?”
“Yeah, luv. I’ve got a few more things to tell her now.”
Buffy smiled a tearful lop-sided smile at him. She nodded and got up from his lap to walk back to Giles, Willow and Tara.
“Guys. I’m gonna walk over to see Mom for a few minutes again. Can you stay here with Dawn until I get back?”
“Certainly, Buffy. I’ll stay. Willow and Tara can go home if they need to, but are welcome to stay with me while you‘re gone.”
***************************************************
Buffy closed the front door of the Summers house behind her. Spike stood waiting for her at the steps. She walked toward him and as she started down the steps, she hesitantly reached out to take his hand. They turned together and walked toward the funeral home.
Walking slowly, Buffy and Spike talked about what they had been told by the Host.
Spike felt some of the pain that had been constant since Buffy’s rejection was finally going away.
Buffy was still afraid of her own feelings about Spike, but she knew she had to face them. There could be no more hiding. Once again, so much weight rested on her shoulders. Once again, Spike was beside her to help save the world. This was getting to be a habit.
“Spike… I need to know. He said you’d stay… I can’t do this if you’re going to leave me.. Or if you’re going to go back to killing. I have to know that those things won’t happen.”
Spike stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned Buffy toward him.
“Slayer, I’m not my Sire. I stayed with Dru for a ‘undred years. Doesn’t that prove to you that I will stay?”
“Yeah, I loved Dru. But… what I feel for you is different. It’s more than I felt for her.”
He turned Buffy lose to run his hands through his hair in frustration.
“Dammit, Buffy… I don’t know what more to tell you. This chip, you, everything has changed.”
Spike suddenly grabbed Buffy by both arms puling her closer to him.
“Do you know ‘ow long I fought against caring for you? Since I bloody first saw you! I told you that was why Dru left me. I love you, Buffy. I won’t leave you as long as you’ll let me stay.”
The small blonde slayer looked up at the vampire in front of her, searching his face again. She was afraid.
“Spike… I’m sorry I’m having so much trouble with this.” She took a deep breath and continued. “If you want to know the truth, I’m afraid that if I care about you… If I let myself admit what I feel, that it will all happen again. The changing, the killing, my friends being terrified or killed. And of being left again. I can’t take any more.”
“Buffy, I won’t leave. Tell me what happened with Angel, please? I know some of what the bloody toff did, but you’re too afraid for that to be all.”
“Lets sit down for this please?”
Spike lead her to a bench at the edge of the sidewalk. They both sat down. Spike took her hand and looked into her face. He saw the pain she was feeling. He wanted to make it go away, but unless he knew what was causing it, he didn’t know how to try to stop it.
“I met Angel before you came to town the first time. I fell for him before I ever knew he was a vampire, then when I found out he was… it hurt. In all that, the Master killed me, I drowned, but Angel and Xander saved me and brought me back to life. I didn’t deal with it well. Then you came, and tried to kill me. Angel and I got closer until on my 17th birthday.. The Judge and all.. Well Angel and I finally.. You know.. I woke up, he was gone, his soul was gone, he was killing people. I still loved him and couldn’t kill him even thought I should have. If I had, Jenny would still be alive. Angel left her in Giles bed to find. Giles and Jenny had a date that night. He loved her Spike.”
“Angel tortured everyone, especially me. You saw some of it. At the school one night, the spirit of two ghosts there possessed us. He kissed me and I thought Angel was back, but it was just the ghosts. He said such horrible things about how I was… “
“Buffy, was Angel the first?”
“Yeah.”
“Bloody hell! I think I see why he used that for his weapon against you. I understand some of why you feel like you do…Tell me the rest?”
“Well, you know about the mansion and you coming to me for help, what he did to Giles… Willow managed to give him back his soul… Did you know that was what Jenny was working on when he killed her? It was her gypsy tribe that cursed him first. She knew this could happen and never told us. But she was trying to make it right by redoing the curse. Willow found her notes and did the curse the night we fought and you left the mansion. Angel had gotten the sword out of Acathla already, and only Angel’s blood would put it back. I was about to kill him when his eyes lit up and his soul was back. He didn’t remember what he’d done. It was Angel I had to send to Hell, Spike.. Not Angelus.”
“I couldn’t stand it. I left… but eventually came back as you can tell. Then Angel came back from Hell. I found him, nursed him back to health.. You came back in all that… Angel and I were back together, but everyone was hurt by it, especially Giles. Then Angel broke up with me before the Prom. Not a big thing to you vampires, but it was to an 18 year old girl. He left after graduation.. College started, I was miserable, Parker came along.. I thought it was something but he just used me. You were back, found the ring of Amara.. And when we fought, you said horrible things to me.. Said Angel had told you…”
Tears were falling silently from Buffy’s eyes, as she continued. She didn’t see the stricken look on Spike’s face.
“I sent the ring to Angel, you went and tried to kill him, you tortured him.. We all saved him, and with the ring, I finally got to see him in daylight for the first time. We….”
“But he destroyed the ring. He said he didn’t deserve it. Then the Indian spirit attack.. And Angel was here and didn’t tell me. I went to LA and.. Something happened. I can’t remember what, but I know it was important and I felt like he left me again somehow. I was seeing Riley… Faith woke up, took my body, slept with Riley, I was almost killed by the Council; Faith went to LA, tried to kill Angel again. I forgot.. She tried to kill him before graduation; I tried to wound her so Angel could drink her to keep him alive.. Not one of my better moments. I made him drink me and he almost didn’t stop. So Faith went to LA, tortured Wesley. Angel and I fought about her. He protected her; he hit me because of her. It felt like losing him again. He came here, he and Riley fought, Riley got weird.. Dracula came.. All that happened, Riley got weirder. The vampire whores, Riley left me. Glory came, tried to kill me.. Everything that has happened since then. You told me you love me, but chained me up, threatened me with Dru…. Do you understand why I’m afraid?”
“Buffy… I had no idea about all of that. Part of it is my fault. I’m sorry, luv, I’m so sorry.”
“I’d forgotten about the fight about the ring, what I said. Dru had left me because of you. I went back for her like I told you, she laughed at me. I was hurt and lashed out at you. I lied, Buffy. I lied. Yeah, Angelus did say those things, but I knew they weren’t true. I knew cause I’d have given anything to be with you and it bleedin’ made me crazy. A vampire in love with a Slayer? A vampire without a soul?”
“But the thoughts kept on and the dreams kept on. I couldn’t sleep without seeing you. I made love to you in every dream. Red did her spell and it was all over for me. I thought about you more than all the time. I remembered the feel of my hands on you, kissing you.. And I couldn’t be with you. You were right there and I couldn’t touch you. It was eatin’ me alive, or undead.. You know what I mean.”
“Solider-boy came and staked me with a plastic stake the day before he left. Told me to stay away from you or he’d kill me. I didn’t want to have to tell you what he was doin’, thought you’d blame me for it. But if I didn’t, and you found out, I knew you’d blame me. I didn’t want to ‘urt you, luv. I didn’t want him to be Turned and you have to kill’em. I told you how I felt and you were as ‘urtful as I had been. Knew it was my fault. Dru showed up, wanted to kill you, wanted me back. I had to play along to keep you safe. I don’t love Dru. She kissed me and it was like nothing to me. The demon was right. One woman I loved before Dru, she rejected me, told me I was beneath ‘er. Dru turned me that night. Then 100 years with Dru.. I didn’t know ‘ow to be what you wanted. I ‘andled it all wrong. I’m sorry, luv. I want to make it up to you.”
Buffy had been watching Spike as he talked, amazed at what the vampire told her. She’d had as little idea about what he’d been through as he had about her.
“Seems we’re one hell of a pair, Spike.”
“Yeah, there is that. Both of us bad with relationships.”
“Think we understand enough to do better now?”
“I understand what you’ve been through now. Why everything I did was even worse. Let me make it up to you?”
“I think we have to keep talking, Spike. I think we need to know all we can about the other. I had no idea what you’d been through either. I understand more about why you did what you did.”
Both of them just looked at the other. They’d done so much wrong, had understood so little. Maybe now they could work this out.
Buffy looked at Spike’s lips. She grabbed all the courage she had and the memory of kissing those lips under Willow’s spell.
The slayer reached up to put her hand on the back of Spike’s neck and pull her down to her. She kissed his lips very softly.
Spike was shocked. He was in heaven. He looked back at the Slayer, reaching out to cup her face in his hand. He kissed her this time. Harder, more demanding, he felt her tongue seeking entrance to his mouth and gave it to her.
The kiss lasted until Buffy had to breath.
“Wow! Way wow. More wow than I remember.”
Spike laughed very shakily. “Yeah, You can kiss me like that and then have doubts about yourself? Luv, never doubt yourself. You’re the best Slayer that has ever been. And you kiss even better then you slay. I can’t wait to find out the rest.”
Buffy blushed at Spike’s compliments. “Do you really mean that?”
“I said it, didn’t I? Of course I mean it!”
“I won’t lie to you, luv. You might not always like what I have to say, but I won’t lie to you.”
“Promise?”
“Let’s see.. That’s a promise to not lie, to not kill, to not leave, to love you, to talk to you… That about right?”
“Well… yes.” Buffy sounded hesitant, afraid.
“Luv, I’m teasing you. Of course I promise. Every one of them.”
Spike stood up and taking Buffy’s hand pulled her to her feet as well.
“Let’s go talk to your mum, luv.”
“Yeah. I think she might be happy about this. She liked you, you know.”
“I know. I wish I’d been able to tell her how I felt about ‘er.”
“I think she knows, Spike. Why do you think she always made you chocolate? She bought the marshmallows just for you. I don’t like them.”
“Bloody hell! For real?”
“Yep. So lets go see her and tell her about all of this.”
“Oh, and Spike… I don’t want to stay alone tonight. Would you stay over? We can make chocolate, talk about Mom, watch a movie until I fall asleep..?”
“Yeah, luv. I’d like that”
********************************************
Buffy and Spike returned to her house after talking with Joyce for a while. Everyone else might think they were both crazy, but it made them feel better to talk to Joyce, even if she couldn’t hear them. They thought she could in some way.
When they entered the house holding hands, Giles went to Buffy and asked her very seriously, “ Do you think this is what you should do, Buffy?”
“Giles.. The host said we don’t have a choice. But after Spike and I talked.. A LOT! Yeah, I think I should.”
“It won’t be like before, Giles.”
“A-alright. Do you need us to stay, Buffy?”
“Not tonight, Giles. Spike and I are going to make some chocolate, watch some movies, talk about Mom, talk about us..”
“I think we’ll have lots to talk about for a long time.”
“Will you be ok?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine, Giles. Oh and one thing I’ve learned tonight and the last few days… never let things go until it’s too late.”
“I love you, Giles. I’m glad you’re my Watcher and my friend.”
Giles blushed. He was stunned by Buffy’s words. Little did he know…
“Watcher, “ Spike started, “Thank you for being here for Buffy when she needed you. Thank you for caring about her and protecting her.. And for loving her.”
“Spike… I.. I don’t know what to say.”
“You’ll figure it out. Never seen you without a comment about something, Watcher.” Spike grinned slightly with a glint in his eye.
Willow and Tara chose that moment to grab Giles by the arm and lead him toward the door.
“Buffy, we’re gonna get Giles home. Relax and enjoy sharing about your mom. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Willow ran back to hug Buffy and pilled Spike down to kiss his cheek. “Take care of her, you fake.”
She hurried back to help Tara lead Giles out as Spike stared at them in astonishment.
“Com’on, Spike. Let’s go make some chocolate before you pass out.” Buffy laughed for the first time in days as she drug the vampire to the kitchen.
“You’ll have to help me. Mom always did this. You’ve seen her do it more than I have.”
*******************************************
There were empty cups from the chocolate on the coffee table. The popcorn was gone. Buffy had gone to sleep before the end of the movie. She was nestled in Spike’s arms on the sofa. They’d talked a long time.
He pulled a throw over the sleeping woman in his arms, hit the remote switch for the TV and curled around Buffy, drifting off to sleep with her. He’d be there was as long as she’d let him.
Dawn found them like that the next morning. She allowed herself a small smile thinking Mom would have been happy they made peace. She went back upstairs so she wouldn’t disturb them.
Gillian Silverlight 3/6.01