Title: The Dark

Author: Sarah

Email: katy@hawkins41.freeserve.co.uk

Spoilers: The Gift. I've seen it! Just, none of the rest of season five.

Hmmm.

Dedication: Here's to you, Ms Devlin! I owe you one BIG TIME.

The Dark

There used to be a time, a while ago now, when I could close my eyes and

everything was wiped away, like a board eraser cleaning off the chalky

lessons of the day. Sleep used to take me to a place where everything was

fine, where there were no problems and it didn't matter if Cordelia and

Harmony picked on me or if someone yelled 'poindexter' when I walked past in

the hall. That was a long time ago now, but I remember it a lot, because I

have to think of it often to convince myself that things ever really could

be that simple and that sweet.

Sleep stopped being an answer when Jesse died.

Xander told me once, after Buffy arrived, and we found out that the wall

between our town and some demon dimension wasn't as thick as we first

thought, that he hated going to bed at night. Because when he closed his

eyes, Jesse was always asking why, and when he opened them, he didn't know

what was lurking in the dark. Or rather, he did know, and he couldn't help

but be afraid.

We saw a lot of people die around here. Jesse, Ms Calendar, Buffy's mom, and

then -

I can't quite bring myself to say it yet. I know and I accept, but I can't

say. It'll come in time.

It's a really mean thing to say, but I just kind of expected that it would

be Dawn next. I found myself wondering what it would be like for Buffy,

being the last of the Summers women left. How would she cope with her mom

and Dawnie gone? But it all got messed up somewhere and came out wrongly.

It's awful of me... awful. But I wish it had been Dawnie who died. Because -

we need Buffy, you know? And Dawn - what is she? A key? She's not even real.

And neither is Buffy, any more, and we need her.

So I lie awake at night, next to Tara, and I clutch her hand as she murmurs

in sleep and I can't close my eyes because I'll see Buffy, Buffy's limp,

broken body, and what am I supposed to do then? What if I fall asleep and it

just repeats itself, over and over? Or maybe I'll see Angel's shattered

face, falling to his knees, beautiful, Buffy's angel -

I never used to be afraid of the dark. But then things changed.